boys don’t cry (pls give i’ve advice, i’ll read your work!!) | Forums | Teen Ink

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boys don’t cry (pls give i’ve advice, i’ll read your work!!)

madsdaws BRONZE posted this thread...
on Mar. 20 at 5:05 pm

boys don’t cry

they always said that boys don’t cry,
but i saw you that night with your
honey gold lips, dripping with expletives:
words building citrine castles
on tops of trees, and your
eyes that were not the crash of waves
—sky kissed ocean waves—
for their opulence was not in their sapphire phosphorescence
but that night in the rims of the red rims
and in the corners that began to well
(almost as if to match match the lilac flower petal veins blooming around the edges of my own, for your whiskey driven hands had always liked me to acquiesce to their intemperance,)
but I wore citrine around my neck, on a tattered black cord
with a clear quartz point below
and that night you cried.
your tears were sun-drunk or moon-drunk or just drunk
or maybe me-drunk,
i wish i could say i felt nothing as they fell.
i wish i knew
how to unlove.



madsdaws BRONZE, Staten Island, New York
3 articles 0 photos 1 comment
rmamamnbiba, Bronx, New York
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rmamamnbiba replied...
on Mar. 24 at 1:15 am
I don't think you need to start with "they always say". I think it should just be "boys don't cry". A poem is conveying in a story in as little words as possible. Other example change I saw you that night to that night


madsdaws BRONZE, Staten Island, New York
3 articles 0 photos 1 comment
madsdaws BRONZE replied...
on Apr. 2 at 11:33 am
ahh thank you so much!


jenny_care168, Hudson, Ohio
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jenny_care168 replied...
on Apr. 18 at 6:56 pm
I honestly don't have any notes, i think it was done beautifully with excellent imagery, great job!


Aaftan31, Surat, Other
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Aaftan31 replied...
on May. 16 at 11:49 pm
It is amazing. I love the description very much. But I just didn't understand why you'd want to unlove this person..


lemon-girl, Houston, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
lemon-girl replied...
on Jun. 27 at 3:33 pm
@madsdaws this is really good!! seriously, you're doing great with the imagery.

if you want advice, i'd say try to stick to one thing to write about? the whole premise is him crying but then you also bring up your feelings--which is fine, but i feel like you don't really unpack either of them? just talk more about your feelings or his feelings i guess :) also is there a reason this has so many big words? sometimes simpler is better. but having said that, amazing job <3


Amy_04, Colombo, Other
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Amy_04 replied...
on Jul. 28 at 3:27 am
it is great .heart touching as well