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Need some feedback on a short story idea.

Telltheart posted this thread...
on May. 1 at 10:18 am

I got this idea randomly and I want some feedback on it, tell me what you think.

Plot:
A transgender teen girl named Lydia has been living their life through lucid dreams. She lives her life when shes asleep. But when her dreams stop becoming every night and she forgets the difference between her real life and her lucid life things go wrong. She accidentally tells her parents forgetting shes dreaming. Then her brother rants to the school bully about and Lydia is now in trouble. Right when she thinks shes gone through a high school day without anything bad happening the school bully starts chasing her, yelling obscene things. Lydia runs to the woods that line the school and try to lose him but hes still chasing her. As a last attempt Lydia climbs high in a tree, and closes her eyes trying to go to sleep. The bully shouts that hes coming back, and Lydia falls asleep.
In her dream however, she doesn't get to control this time. Elena, her dream best friend tells her: "Wake up, talk to your parents brother, and actually meet me." Lydia wakes up and the sun is setting. She runs to her house, tells her parents. Next day she starts talking to Elena. THE END



Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Cyber_Hippos SILVER, Wayne, Pennsylvania
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"I want to smile, and I want to make people laugh. And that's all I want. I like it. I like being happy. I want to make others happy." - Doris Day

Cyber_Hippos SILVER replied...
on May. 6 at 2:34 pm
I think you could have an interesting story. For feedback you use their and her for Lydia - please pick one so readers don't get confused. I think you could have a nice story here but dream stories can come off as cliche sometimes so be careful? Are you think of doing this in 3rd person because I don't see how you could get the scene with her brother talking to the bully in 1st with just Lydia perspective or if you want to chose to do multiple perspectives in 1st person. For for little plot summary you don't mention Elena till the end but I'm guessing you are thinking of working her in a small part in both the dream and real life at the beginning because I think a reader many need to already know a little about Elena and make sure she's not written in as just a love interest. Please give her some characteristics. I would read it if you wright it so I hope you do :)


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Favorite Quote:
Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 7 at 9:30 am
Checking


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 7 at 9:32 am
OK now it works.
I've only written about 2 chapters cause I lost my old writing files and I had to re write. (WHICH IS ANNOYING.)
Anyway, this is what I have so far

1
My first real taste of life is




June 19, 2017
Time: 8:00 PM

As we approach the mall Elena turns to me.
“Let’s find the best dresses for prom.”
We head out of my mom’s perfect-condition Chrysler Pacifica and go through the mall’s Macys’ entrance. The glass doors slide open. I am assaulted by the bright lights on the ceiling and I cover my face. I look over at Elena, she doesn’t seem to notice and runs out the Macys’ and into the mall. I follow, exit the Macys’ and move my hand away from my face.
The mall is small, it doesn’t have many people but it resembles a large mall except that it has one floor. It has a glass ceiling. But it makes up in its smallness from the stores they have. In front of the Macys’ was a makeup store called Perky Face, and right next to that is the store that were walking to; Betty’s Wedding and Prom Dresses.

As we walk through the entrance, we see an employee staring at us intently like she’s been waiting for someone to come in.
When we walk up to me, she looks at me and says,
“Hello SIR, what can I help you with?” I fill with fear and bolt awake.

May 21, 2018
Time: 1:00 AM

Oh god. I’m back here again. This body. I try not to look down at his chest but I do and I start panicking. “Oh no. Oh no. NO! NO! NO!” My eyes go blurry. I can’t see, I can’t hear. I can’t. I can’t…
I think of Elena and I going to the mall. Calm down. If you fall asleep then you will get to try on dresses for prom then you’ll dance with your date Amber. I feel the sleep inking his body and just when it reaches his head, I fall asleep.

June 19, 2017
Time: 8:10 PM
“Hey are you okay?” I hear Elena said.
“Lydia?”
I open my eyes and focus on Elena’s face.
“I’m fine.”
I look at Elena intensely and say,
“Nothing happened,” I quickly look away before seeing Elena and the employee snap into different positions.
I look back and Elena is approaching the employee with the nametag; Christina.
“I’m looking for prom dresses for me and Lydia.”
Christina takes us in, her eyes bouncing over our bodies, probably calculating our measurements from just looking at us.
After a long while she claps her hands together and declares,
“I know the perfect dresses for you two.”
Christina leads us over to the dressing rooms and tells us to wait in there for the dresses. She goes through a rack of dresses.
“Wait in there.” Christina says, pointing in the general direction of the dressing rooms. I go in the first one and Elena goes in the second. I look in the mirror and admire my eyes, black with little flecks of yellow around them. Then I focus on my skin, a milk chocolatey color and flawless—Kind of—. I look at my long curly hair reaching just below my shoulders and I feel euphoric, I gently hold my hair and pose into the mirror, making kissy faces until Christina puts two dresses on the curtain. I pull them down and look at them, a blue one and a green one. I strip down and put on the green on. I close my eyes then look towards the mirror and open them. I gasp, the skirt is floor length and dark green but the top is tulle, pink and with little roses going around it. I step closer to the mirror and notice that in the middle there is a bigger rose with glitter surrounding it. I look at my face. I look at myself, I look just… So good, and the fabric feels so… —Oh my god— soft.
“Oh my god…” I whisper.
Elena must hear me because she says,
“Lydia come out! I want to see!”
I take one last look then I walk out.
Oh my god, Elena is wearing a dress that makes her look like a Disney Princess. The floor length skirt is purple, and the top is purple as well but the most beautiful thing are the sparkles. The skirt is sprinkled with them but the top is kissed with designs of snowflakes made from sparkles.
“How do I look,” Elena, askes looking insecure.
“You look gorgeous, Elena,” I answer “How do I look?”
Elena looks at me weirdly, then says in mono-tone,
“You can do this Lydia.”

BEEP BEEP BEEP





















2
My not real life and


May 21, 2018
Time: 1:00 AM
Don’t look. Don’t look. Don’t look.

“You can do this Lydia,” Elena had said. I must’ve lost control near the end. That hasn’t happened for a while. I started lucid dreaming when I was ten and for 6 years, I have been trying to perfect it, so that all I have to do is feed and hydrate this body then go into my real life every day. I probably need more practice nearing the end. It must’ve been what I saw in the mirror that took the control from me. I think back to the dress. I loved how it felt. Maybe I could buy it in this life? I would need lots of money though.

SLAM

“Wake up Geo-Leo!” My brother, Thomas slams into the room turning on the lights. I put my hand to my chest—immediately yank it back— and yell,
“GET OUT!”
“Ok, jeez.” Thomas walks out but leaves the lights on and the door open.
I get up and close the door then cry. I panic, wanting to go back to Elena. His eyes go dark and I can’t see anymore. It’s a wave. That’s drowning me. I can’t see, I can’t breathe, I can’t… I want the pain to go away. This aching in my heart. I want it to stop. This body is not mine. My body is in my dreams. I think about how Elena and I are going to prom in a couple days. If I can hold out till then. Stuck in this body. I’ll be okay. I know if I want nobody to notice I need to go to school. I get dressed. I’m not going to tell you what happened there. So, don’t ask. After I was done, I ate breakfast then hopped on the bus to Mallory Academy. Or just... The Evil Castle. Most people in my town refer to it that way because it looks like an old medieval castle on the outside. All stone bricks surrounding a stone wall, but on the inside, it looks like a normal high school, minus the rough concrete floor. I sat in the back of the bus, watching Elena talk to someone, —Stephanie I think—. She must notice me burning a hole in her shirt, because she looks behind her until her eyes stop on me. Elena says something to her friend and gets up and walks towards me with her backpack. Like TOWARDS ME! OH GOD. WHAT DO I DO? RUN AWAY? Elena sits down next to me.
“Excuse me, I noticed you were staring at me; could you stop…. Please?”
I try not to look anywhere but her face but my eyes dart over her body, cataloguing how she looks for my next dream. Elena gets an impatient, annoyed look…
“Ok…” I immediately feel the wave crash over me. I get swept under it, stuck. I curl up into a ball and silently cry. I feel the wave slowly get lower and lower until I’m not drowning anymore. That’s when I feel a hand on my shoulder.
“Hey, are you okay.”
I shake my head.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I look over and mouth, “Don’t want to talk, Maybe, we could write?”
Elena seems to get the message. She seems curious about why I don’t want to talk but she doesn’t ask. Elena grabs her backpack, zips it open, and pulls out a pen and paper. She hands it to me and I write:

Hi, my name is Lydia, and I can’t talk because it hurts.

That’s the easiest way to explain it. I hand the paper back. She reads it, a very confused look on her face. Elena writes on the paper then hands it back.

Your name is Lydia?
Does like your throat hurt?

She gives me the paper back. I look at her questions and think of the best answers.

Yes, its Lydia. No, my throat doesn’t hurt. It’s my… body… it doesn’t align with who I am.

Elena writes back:

What?
As she hands the paper back to me, the bus driver shouts,
“Time to get off!”
Elena bolts up grabs her backpack and walks away.
“Wa…” The wave swallows me whole. I curl up and wait for it to stop.
“Hey kid, it’s time to get off.” I don’t hear the bus driver.
“Hello?” He waves his hand in front of my face. My eyes focus.
I jump up shove past the bus driver, walk out and go into the school.
“Weird…” The bus driver mumbles behind me.


Cyber_Hippos SILVER, Wayne, Pennsylvania
8 articles 1 photo 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I want to smile, and I want to make people laugh. And that's all I want. I like it. I like being happy. I want to make others happy." - Doris Day

Cyber_Hippos SILVER replied...
on May. 7 at 5:18 pm
This looks like it could come out well. (just ignore that I spelled write wright earlier I can be a functioning human being) I think if a reader already knows the story is about lucid dreams they should be fine in understanding the first few little sections but if not you do have an explanation in your second chapter. It took me a second to realize that the years are different and one is dreamland and one is real life but once I did everything made a lot more sense. There are a few grammar mistakes but nothing major. I do like the almost slice of life type of bouncing back and forth between the two realities. As she forgets which realities she is in the Date and Time could be interesting. You could say something along the lines of Someplace Warm Time: Afternoon or lead on the reader to think a certain way by continuing the months and years.


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 7 at 6:12 pm
@Cyber_Hippos Yeah! That's a really good idea! I may try to like slowly make the dates the same in the end.


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Favorite Quote:
Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 7 at 6:47 pm
@Cyber_Hippos There are a couple other things that I need to work out.
Lydia is sensitive to being called male. I used to be that way but that was only when I was a kid(Since I wasn't used to it.) But Lydia is a high school student. How would she not get used to be getting called male? (Since I got used to it over time.) I've been trying to figure out her backstory. Do you have any Ideas?


Sylvs29, Berwyn, Pennsylvania
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Sylvs29 replied...
on May. 7 at 8:02 pm
Just to add on to what @Cyber_Hippos said, try to stick to one pronoun, and add backstory to Elena, Lydia, and the brother. The plot sounds good, just try to stay away from stereotypes. Good luck!!!


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Favorite Quote:
Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 8 at 12:14 pm
testing


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 12 at 6:53 pm
3
My god-awful day


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 12 at 6:56 pm
May 21, 2018
Time: 8:45 AM

“Now go to page 555 to learn about human genetics,” Mr. Howard states.
I flip to page 555 and read the first paragraph,


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Telltheart replied...
on May. 12 at 6:58 pm
(It wont let me post this for some reason so this basically says that male have XY and female have XX)


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 12 at 6:58 pm
I shouldn’t have read that. I shouldn’t have started laughing. But I did and I couldn’t stop it.
“Mr. Turner, you are disrupting the class!” Mr. Howard shouts. MISTER!? I keep laughing uncontrollably, I can’t stop. Mr. Howard looks terrified of me and everyone must think I’m crazy. Mr. Howard frantically looks around, picking the first student he sees.
“Elena can you escort Mr.—I laugh louder— Turner to Ms. Rose.”
Elena jumps up, rushes over to me, grabs my arm and pulls me out of the room in less than twenty seconds. We are all the way down the hall when I stop laughing. We round a corner and Elena pushes me against a locker.
“What is wrong with you?” Elena yells. What?
“First, you stare at me on the bus, then you tell me some stupid stuff about your body, THEN you start laughing really loud like you’ve gone mad.” “What is wrong with you!?”
I’m very confused. I thought we were friends. What about yesterday? We went to a dress store and bought dresses for prom. What has happened to us?
“You don’t remember yesterday?” I ask, then I feel the wave crash over me again. I slide down to the floor, curl up into a ball and start sobbing.
“What? Yesterday?” Elena looks down at me. “What happened yesterday?”
I stay silent until the wave gives me air to breathe.
“We bought dresses for prom…” The wave smashes against me, harder than ever. My eyes stop working. My ears aren’t working. I don’t hear Elena talking to me. I don’t see her pull me up and basically drag me down the hallway. We are down the hall, turning a corner when, I start to feel better. Then someone comes from around the corner. I feel Elena immediately tense up. Kevin, with his buzz cut and goatee stands in front of us.
“Look what we have here... What’s up Maneo.” Kevin nods to me. I feel sick. I do not what to be a part of the stupid guy nod. But I know I have to. I nod and the wave crashes over me, but I try to swim over it. I stay standing. I don’t crumple to the floor and cry. I stand.
“Hey girl.” Kevin winks at Elena. Elena’s face flashes with disgust.
“We were just leaving.” We try moving past Kevin but he stops us.
“Hey I was talking to you...” Kevin looks at me. “The rumors are true…” Kevin looks from Elena to me. “You two are dating.”
“No—” Elena starts.
“I was talking to Maneo!” Kevin interrupts.
“So, have far you got?” Kevin whispers.
I have no idea how to answer that. I don’t want to answer that.
“Hello? Maneo?!”
I still don’t say anything. I have nothing to say to this jerk.
Kevin runs up to me and pulls me up into the air before Elena can try to stop him. I don’t make a sound.
“Hello?!” Kevin stares into my eyes, angrily. “You know what I’m done with all these people not listening to me.”
The last thing I see is his fist going to my face. I can’t see but I can feel. It feels like he was hitting me for hours. When I thought he was gone I say.
“My body deserves this.” Then I black out.


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Favorite Quote:
Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 12 at 6:58 pm
What do you think?@Cyber_Hippos


Cyber_Hippos SILVER, Wayne, Pennsylvania
8 articles 1 photo 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I want to smile, and I want to make people laugh. And that's all I want. I like it. I like being happy. I want to make others happy." - Doris Day

Cyber_Hippos SILVER replied...
on May. 12 at 8:05 pm
I think this is coming along well. Of course I have suggestions.
As someone comes from around the corner, I feel Elena immediately tense up. Kevin, with his buzz cut and goatee stands in front of us in an otherwise barren, beige hallway blocking our path. (This just makes Kevin seem more like the imposing guy he is)

I slide down to the floor, curl up into a ball and start sobbing seems a little severe and just completely weird to do in a high school hallway. Maybe shuttering and leaning against a wall crying would be enough especially because you never mention Lydia getting up.

It is really nice how you mention 'yesterday' without exactly saying that was a dream.


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Favorite Quote:
Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 12 at 8:12 pm
feel sick. I do not what to be a part of the stupid guy nod. But I know I have to. I nod and the wave crashes over me, but I try to swim over it. I stay standing. I don’t crumple to the floor and cry. I stand. Lydia never slides to the floor. Unless your talking about this: slide down to the floor, curl up into a ball and start sobbing. (Elena pulls her up: "I don’t see her pull me up and basically drag me down the hallway." )


Cyber_Hippos SILVER, Wayne, Pennsylvania
8 articles 1 photo 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I want to smile, and I want to make people laugh. And that's all I want. I like it. I like being happy. I want to make others happy." - Doris Day

Cyber_Hippos SILVER replied...
on May. 12 at 8:25 pm
Oh okay I missed a line


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Favorite Quote:
Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 13 at 11:32 am
4 What has life come to in June 20, 2017 Time: 7:00 PM “Honey, that dress is absolutely beautiful.” Mom says at dinner. “Yeah, Amber will love it.” Dad jumps in. I love my family. We talk. We love each other. They have no problem with changing my body from male to female. Sometimes we joke about it. I can talk to them about anything. I eat my dinner. Hiding my face because I’m blushing. Amber is literally my dream girl. Even the way she asked me to prom was a dream. I had been walking to my locker. When I got there, I opened my locker and saw that Amber was squeezed in there. She jumped out, hugged me and whispered in my ear: “I like you; will you go to prom with me?” I looked straight at her and pecked her on the lips. “Yes.” “Whatcha, thinking about?” Mom pulls me out of my thoughts. “Honey, she’s thinking about Amber.” Dad points out. My face goes red. Dad takes a look at my red tomato face and starts laughing. “I was right!” I start laughing too. “You were.” Mom laughs too. God, I love my family. Suddenly, Mom and Dad stop laughing. They both stare at me. Then say in unison. “Deep down you know what to do.” I jump awake.


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Favorite Quote:
Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 13 at 11:33 am
May 21, 2018 Time: 2:50 PM I’m in a bed. In the nurse’s office? What happened to dinner? I was just eating. Oh no... I’m back here. I look down and start sobbing. Why do I have to be back here? “Leo, are you okay?” I look to my side to see Amber, holding the curtain back looking at me. Oh god. She is so… —oh my god. She called me Leo… — I sob harder. Amber sits up and looks over. “Hey, it’ll be okay.” Amber states. I look up at her. I want to tell her. How do I tell her without talking? We don’t have paper… I know! I point at my chest and mouth “Leo” and shake my head. I mouth “Lydia” and nod my head yes. “Leeda?” I shake my head and mouth “Lydia” slower. “Lydia?” I nod. “Okay… Why do you want me to call you Lydia?” I mouth slowly “It’s my real name” and Amber seems to get it. “So, your name isn’t Leo?” I flinch when she says Leo but I nod. “Ok... But you’re a boy, right?” The minute she says it I shiver and let out a small sob. “Oh… Ok I get it…” Amber says, noticing my reaction to the word boy. “Ok… so your……” Amber pauses and thinks. Probably trying to find the word for it. “Transgender?” I nod my head vigorously. “And you don’t like being called a boy.” I shiver… “Ok... cool,” Amber pauses for a second, debating something in her head. She then gives me a cute smile, and my cheeks are as red as apples. I blush so hard. I haven’t talked to Amber for days. I just wish my body wasn’t this way. I wish she wouldn’t look at me this way. In this body. I look down at my chest and start to cry. Amber notices me looking at my chest. “Oh! Hmm… I know!” Amber exclaims. “Come over to my house today and I’ll fix that.” Amber smirks. I look up at her, sniffing, shake my head and mouth “I don’t think I can...” “Look…” Amber takes out her phone. “Give me your phone.” I mouth “Ok…” I hand over my freshly cracked phone. It must’ve broken when Kevin was hitting me. Amber opens contacts and adds herself as a contact. “Come over at 5 IF you can.” Amber blushes? I nod when the nurse pushes the curtain away. Amber rushes over to her bed just in time. “Leo, dear are you awake?” “Your parents are here to pick you up.” I look over to Amber for a second. She smiles at me, then looks away quickly. I get up.


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Favorite Quote:
Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 13 at 11:34 am
May 22, 2018 Time: 3:10 AM I’m in the car, and mom is driving home. I’m thinking about last night’s dinner. My parents were joking with me talking about amber. If they were that way last night what do I have to be scared of? “Mom, can I go over to a friend’s house at 5?” I ask, surprised that the wave didn’t crash over me. “Who are they? What are you going to do?” I pause for a second, then say. “It’s Amber and she’s going to fix the chest problem.” I joke. “Chest problem?” “You know cause I’m… like flat chested like I have no (it is filtering this out it says female chest) whatsoever even though I’m supposed to have them.” “What? No, you’re not.” Mom replies. I freeze. What went wrong? “Yeah I am.” “No, Leo you’re not. You’re a boy. Girls have (same thing here female chest).” I feel the wave crash over me and I stop talking. I don’t know what went wrong. I was having dinner last night when they were talking about amber. They were calling me she and Lydia. Not he and Leo. What has happened to us? “Leo, are you okay?” I notice that I’m silently crying. “No, I’m not.” Then I faint.