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Need some feedback on a short story idea.

Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
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Favorite Quote:
Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 13 at 11:35 am
What do you think? @Cyber_Hippos
Also It keeps stopping me from writing and I found out that the word bo ob s and br e a sts are filtered.


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
0 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 13 at 11:51 am
ALSO DO YOU SEE THE PATTERN?
Chapter 1: My first real taste of life is
Chapter 2: My not real life and
Chapter 3: My god awful day.
Chapter 4: What has life come to in
Chapter 5: My now suddenly weird life and
Chapter 6: My oh so very scary life.
Chapter 7: My humiliating life is
Chapter 8: The most hurtful time and
Chapter 9: My try at getting a life is
Chapter 10: My most terrifying nightmare.
Chapter 11: My nightmare is now a good dream
Chapter 12: And my real life is now real,
Chapter 13: My dreams really do come true
Epilouge: And its hard to belive its not a dream.


Cyber_Hippos SILVER, Wayne, Pennsylvania
8 articles 1 photo 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I want to smile, and I want to make people laugh. And that's all I want. I like it. I like being happy. I want to make others happy." - Doris Day

Cyber_Hippos SILVER replied...
on May. 13 at 2:05 pm
I love that you are including teenage akwardness and keep the things that adults would try to avoid mentioning that teens would mention. It is really good that chp 4 has a full explaining section of Lydia so people can get where the Leo mentions come in. The chapter titles flow together in sentences and all mention life, time, nightmares, or dreams and that is great.


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
0 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 13 at 2:44 pm
5
My now suddenly weird life and

January 751, 20108
Time: 50:5050 PMAM

I get up from my tent and go wake up Alea. When I zip open the tent, Alea is snuggling with her little stuffed anime bear. I take a huge breath and yell, “GET UP ALEA!”
Alea jumps up. I blink and she already has her hiking gear on.
“What are you waiting for? Get dressed!”
I run into my tent and grab my stuff.
I then meet Alea in a clearing with a mountain near it. Alea starts climbing up the mountain. I rush up to follow her. The mountain suddenly stops and we are on a cliff. Alea looks down.
“Cool.” Alea points in the darkness, “Come on, look.”
I walk up to the edge. Afraid.
I turn to Alea ready to tell her I want to go, but when I turn Alea pushes me.
I lose my balance and tumble off the edge. Wind whistle’s around me. I look at Elena. Elena?
Elena!
I scream and just before I hit the ground I wake.

May 21, 2018
Time: 6:20 AM

I really want to go to Amber’s house.
My parents said no and that really confuses me. Like me and Amber have been dating since I was 15 and now, they won’t let me see her.
I text Amber the news.

Lydia: I can’t go.

Lydia: My parent’s said no.

Amber: and you’re going to take no as your answer?!

Lydia: Well, I thought there was no way.

Amber: Oh, there’s a way.

Amber: What’s your address?

Lydia: Why? What are you going to do?

Amber: If you can’t come to me then I’m going to you.

Lydia: What! No do come over!
Lydia: ahh autocorrect
Amber: Ha, you want me to come over.
Amber: I’m coming over no matter what you tell me.
Amber: Just remember you will look fabulous when I’m done.

Lydia: (: YES, DO IT!! COME OVER.

I may have pleaded a little more after that. But before Amber could come over, I would have to face my parent’s at dinner. I’m very conflicted, one side of me is telling me that everything will be fine since you talked to your parents about this before. But the other side is like hiding in a corner crying.
I had fainted in the car and my mom had just gotten home when I woke up. So, my mom probably thought I fell asleep. Now I’m walking down the hallway calming myself down. I breath in and out. Then I walk into the dining room.
I take a seat and my parents are both staring at me. They seem to be trying to figure something out. Thomas is already at the table and he’s giving me a ha-ha you’re in trouble look. I glare at him, when mom gets up.
“Leo, are you okay?” Mom askes as she leans over the table to get more food.
I nod.
Dad looks at me. Dad looks like he’s about to say something.
Ding. Someone is texting me.
I pull out my phone and see that Amber texted me.

Amber: I see you!

What does that mean? I look around at the windows.
Right above the kitchen sink, Amber is looking into the house.
She waves at me and makes a silly face.
I almost laugh but all that comes out is ha—.
“What?” Mom looks at me, eyebrows raised.
“Nothing… May I be excused.” My voice cracks on “excused” but Mom nods and I go to my room. The wave crashes against my legs making my legs wobbly.

May 22, 2018
Time: 12:40 AM

“So, which bra do you want?” Amber holds up a purple and black sports b r a and a red and white one.
Amber snuck into my room after dinner and asked me questions.
Mostly they were like measurement questions or if there’s something I want specifically. I really just want her to fix my c h e s t so I told her my c u p s i z e and Amber just left after that. As I was waiting, I may have like bitten my nails down to little nubs. I was so excited, I thought about all those clothes and being happy again that I almost started crying. But before I could Amber came back a couple seconds ago with a bunch of bags. She dropped the bags to the floor and pulled out the b r a s.

I point at the black and purple one. I’m practically hopping up and down when Amber hands me it.
“You know how to put it on right?”
I think for a second.
“Yes, I do.” I hold it, “It’s like putting on a backpack, right?”
Amber laughs and gives me a smile.
“Yes, basically.”
I put one hand through and put the b r a on. I close my eyes and look down.
I lay my hands on my c h e s t and I feel a wave crashing over me but, it’s not the normal wave. It feels good. This feels so good. I feel correct again. My body is right. It’s correct. I remember wishing when I was younger for someone to fix me. Did the magical fairy come? Is this body mine? Did the angels fix my body? Did whoever is up there fix me?
I lift one hand off of my c h e s t and slowly gravitate it to my g r o i n. When my hand touches it, I feel the wave crash over me bigger than the other wave. The happy one. Opening my eyes, I start to bawl.
“Lydia, calm down.” I feel Amber wrap her hands around me, squeezing me gently.
“Why can’t I be normal?” I cry, and start to sink to the ground. Amber goes down with me. She starts whispering, calming me. I’m laying down on top of her, still crying when Amber whispers.
“You are a girl, Lydia.”
I feel the happy wave try to battle over the murky wave. I try and shield my face from the murky wave but I can’t stop it. The happy wave gets taken over by the murky wave. I turn my head to Amber and our faces are inches away. I look into her eyes. Her beautiful brown eyes. I felt like crying but suddenly the murky wave is gone. I start to close my eyes and lean towards her lips when
SLAM
“What the h e l l?!”


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
0 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 13 at 2:59 pm
6
My oh so very scary life.

Laughing. Loud laughing is what I hear. Amber and I jump apart. Thomas is standing at the door, pointing at my chest.
“What are you wearing?” Thomas laughs at me. “And who is this?”
I cover my chest and look for my shirt somewhere.
“What is this!?!” A voice shouts and I know who it is.
Mom walks into the room, looking super confused.
Amber seems to have faded into the closet but Mom sees her.
“Who are you? What are you doing with my son?” I flinch and my knees go weak. I start to fall but Amber is already behind me holding me up whispering, “You can do this Lydia.”
“I’m Amber and Lydia and me were just—”
“Lydia?”
I look at mom. I really look at her. I’m scared. My whole body is petrified, but I manage to get out the words.
“Mom, I-I” I can’t do it. I feel this wave overcome my body and I lose myself in it. I’m drowning slowly sinking down to the bottom of the sea.
“Lydia, fight it.” I hear coming from the surface and suddenly I have the strength to keep going. I swim and swim. I push the water below me propelling me forward until I hit the surface and say out loud. “Mom, I am transgender.” I look at Thomas and Mom, Thomas has a sour look but Mom, somehow has a smile on her face.
“I knew it.” She mumbles.
“Excuse me what?” Amber askes, looking surprised.
“I knew it.” Mom repeats, “You’ve told me that before.”
“What?” I blurt out.
“Well maybe not in the same words but...”

You were only six years old and we were going to a birthday party at the pool.
You were getting dressed and you had called out to me.
“Mom!”
I rushed into the bathroom to see that you’re not even close to dressed.
“What’s wrong?”
You paused not saying anything.
“Somethings wrong with...” You pointed down at your privates.
What? What’s wrong?
“What’s wrong with it?” I ask.
“It’s not right.”
I walk up to you and take a look.
I don’t see anything wrong with it.
“I don’t see anything wrong with it.” I stated.
“It’s supposed to be like…” You paused. “a… What’s the word?”
“A… va…”
Pause.
“It’s what girls have.” You finally said.
“Why do you think you should have that?” I asked.
“Because… I’m a girl.”


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
0 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 13 at 5:13 pm
Good? @Cyber_Hippos


Cyber_Hippos SILVER, Wayne, Pennsylvania
8 articles 1 photo 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I want to smile, and I want to make people laugh. And that's all I want. I like it. I like being happy. I want to make others happy." - Doris Day

Cyber_Hippos SILVER replied...
on May. 14 at 6:59 pm
I think you are doing great but to clear up confusion at the end it may be best to keep the mom's part where she is talking in "quotes."


Telltheart, Hyattville, Maryland
0 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't let others limited imagination limit yours, Mae Jemison

Telltheart replied...
on May. 14 at 8:16 pm
Ok thanks.