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sheer uncertainty (plss give feedback)

Aaftan31 posted this thread...
on May. 16 at 11:59 pm

Sheer Uncertainty

The day I was born,
I met with unconditional Love,
Her hair smelled like gooey chocolate,
She shimmered like a pure golden dove,
She patted me on the back and lulled me to a doze,
And she whispered in my tiny elf-like ears,
With sheer joy that she wouldn’t leave my side until the collapse of stars.


As I grew, my fingers elongated like water pipes,
My golden locks bobbing with my head,
My feet thumped to the rhythm of music,
My twists and turns like spinning starlight.

Unconditional Love taught me,
To sway and croon with the beat of the moon,
To scribble and devour about valour and tribunes.
But I met some new ones too,
They introduced themselves as Envy,
And Desire and Temper and Pain.

Love knew they would come, restlessly rapping at my door,
And she let them in with reluctantly,
And thus was born Doubt,
I couldn’t trust Love the way I used to anymore,
But she still clasped my hands and trembled,
With sheer uncertainty that she wouldn’t leave my side until the collapse of stars.



Aaftan31, Surat, Other
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maybe-lemon, Flemington, New Jersey
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maybe-lemon replied...
on Jun. 13 at 6:43 pm
I love this so much! The only thing I can think of after reading it is maybe try to make it flow a bit better in some places? The last line of the third stanza sounds a bit awkward with the extra "and" at the beginning.


Aaftan31, Surat, Other
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Aaftan31 replied...
on Jun. 27 at 5:56 am
thankyou so much!!! for the feedback


XxfirewolfyxX, Independance, Missouri
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Favorite Quote:
“Let your unique awesomeness and positive energy inspire confidence in others.”

XxfirewolfyxX replied...
on Sep. 3 at 12:14 pm
it's awesome but I also agree with maby-lemon about the extra and you did great never give up :)