its a poem i wrote 2 years back i know its not that good but please give suggestions on how to improve it | Forums | Teen Ink

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its a poem i wrote 2 years back i know its not that good but please give suggestions on how to improve it

booklover_711 posted this thread...
on Jun. 17 at 1:46 pm

LIFE


life is a game
to build up our fame
so never give up
because life never gives up
life never stops
so, you can’t stop
and prepare yourself for this endless race
life is never certain
it always seems to be changing like the tide
so, live this life to the fullest
like there is no tomorrow



booklover_711, New Delhi, Other
0 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
it is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities
- professor Dumbledore

KiaraPolland, Christ Church, Other
0 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
Never going to get to the top if you stop.

KiaraPolland replied...
on Jun. 18 at 5:21 pm
It is good, but if you want my opinion you should try writing a little more in your lines.


Cyber_Hippos SILVER, Wayne, Pennsylvania
8 articles 1 photo 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I want to smile, and I want to make people laugh. And that's all I want. I like it. I like being happy. I want to make others happy." - Doris Day

Cyber_Hippos SILVER replied...
on Jun. 18 at 6:22 pm
I think your rhyming scheme is what's throwing you off. You go from what I think is going to be an aabbcc etc. pattern to the same word to free verse. That makes the whole thing a little disconnected. I really like the line it always seems to be changing like the tide. I tried a little editing to make it more rhyming. I sort of like what I added but want to find a way to not have stop and stop because I feel like there is something better that could go right there but I have no idea what it is. Maybe life never stops/ so don't seemed shocked.

life is a game
to build up fame
so never give up
because life never lets up
life never stops
so, don't seem shocked
prepare yourself for this endless race
knowing doors may slam in your face
life is a set of never ending rides
it always seems to be changing like the tides
so, live life to the fullest
like there is no tomorrow


booklover_711, New Delhi, Other
0 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
it is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities
- professor Dumbledore

booklover_711 replied...
on Jun. 19 at 12:50 am
@Cyber_Hippos,@KiaraPolland thank you very much for your suggestions


risha17, Indore, Other
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
risha17 replied...
on Jun. 20 at 6:06 am
In my opinion instead of repeating the word life so many times, use pronouns or alternatives.