So tell me, is it desperatley low or ultimatley high? | Teen Ink

So tell me, is it desperatley low or ultimatley high?

December 22, 2009
By jenx0x3 DIAMOND, Swampscott, Massachusetts
jenx0x3 DIAMOND, Swampscott, Massachusetts
68 articles 0 photos 90 comments

The question is simple.. Do you get really low and never get back up or do you get really high and then face the crash and burn?? When you feel crushed like your heart is threatening to crumble your brain ready to burst which do you choose?
You feel out of your mind crazy but then you don’t want to think that you are that person who thinks about putting the blade to your wrist. Pointing the gun to your chest, sniffing the meth, swallowing the bottle cap. No you are not that person who thinks about those things, you don’t want to be falling in that black hole of depression that has open arms waiting for you to fall into it. One minute you want to cry then the next all thoughts of cutting and snorting are gone and you are engrossed in a good book keeping your mind busy. When you get home and your are by yourself you know that you will have to much time on your hands; too much time for your mind to run through the painful days in the past. The thing that kills the most is the thing going on right now.. You are being suffocated squeezed by two people who will not let go. You feel annoyed at every person who shouts your name and you want to scream at all of them but the person on that outside will not let you do that. The person who everyone thinks you are, the good one, the one who listens understands and follows peoples rules. That is not true, not now anyway; the person on the inside is burning to come out and slap those other people in the face. That other person is calling you, begging you to let her out of her cage but you know that you can’t. You know this because once you do, once you let that other person take over you know that you might not ever gain control again. The pain of being alone, no one truly feeling or understanding you eats you from the inside out until you are ready to rip your hair out. It kills you until you choose to face it until you choose to break down and have a good cry, a good tantrum. You think that facing the monster inside of you is the crazy part so you don’t do it you just continue to burn with pain. Soon you get sick of yourself sick of the pain the sorrow and that’s when you think about it, that’s when getting high, the highest you can ever be sounds delightful to you. When you are at the bottom of the deepest ocean and no one can pull you back up except for the one person who doesn’t even know you exist. That is when you turn, you turn from the person on the inside and let the crazed person get the best of you. You know that this is wrong but you just want to try, you want to get to know that feeling, the feeling of soaring high and never crashing. You think now that you won’t crash but once you get way up high you figure out that the saying what goes up must come down really is true. You put in a façade so people will never know what your really feeling on the inside. You will never confess to anyone what you think but don’t think you are, crazy, insane, in need of desperate help? Maybe but no one will ever know no one will ever understand the decision that one simple question that sometimes haunts you. The one that makes you itch inside, the one that sometimes burns you with pain. So tell me what will you choose, will you fall into that deep whole of depression and stay there or will you get really high and face the ultimate crash and burn?

The author's comments:
I wrote this because I want people to understand and relate to how I feel sometimes when I feel alone in the dark...

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