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The Ultra-Super Power Lords of Suburbia Parts 1 & 2
Through the years, there have been only 3 things as awesome as this tale. The first was the birth of Zardon, far on the first moon on Jupiter. The second was the Birth of Oprah, far on the eighth moon of Saturn. I don’t particularly remember the third, but rest assured it was really awesome.
Anyway, now, a hundred million googolplex years after its actual occurrence comes the tale of Gizzard, Scardacia, and the Power Lords of Suburbia!!
We join our heroes on their village. . .
Scardacia walked in a large black cloak, blissfully smelling the last days of the summer. It was actually autumn, but incidentally all of Scardacia’s friends hadn’t the heart to tell him.
He had been traveling for many days. His father, who lived in a village 80 miles that way, needed help. See, he had lost all of his sheep, and needed help finding them. Oddly enough, they were under the couch cushion.
Suddenly, a tall man wearing a bandanna and a leather jacket walked up to him. Scardacia had never seen this man before, and wondered why he was in his otherwise peaceful village.
“What are you doing?” cried the man. He pointed forcefully at Scardacia.
Now, Scardacia, only being 8 hundred years old, was NOT a very quick thinker. The only thing he could think to say was, “What are YOU doing?”
Then, Scardacia saw it. It was a beautifully crafted sword, sticking straight out of an enormous rock.
“Ha!” chuckled the Leather Jacket Man. “That sword will never be touched by your hand!”
“Indeed?” said Scardacia.
The fight began! After a good two hours of battling, Scardacia’s wrist began to burn. Then, he recalled his ailment! “ARGH! CARPAL TUNNEL!”
The man leapt for the stone and with an agonizing scream he pulled the sword from the stone, and he held the sword up and it shone in the sun.
“No!” cried Scardacia, even though, if you haven’t noticed, there’s really no significance to the sword, or the man in the leather jacket, who’s name, incidentally, was Gizzard.
To make everything else even more confusing, Gizzard turned his head violently and cried “Look!”
In the mountain of wood chips before them was another large sword, shining in the sun.
Gizzard leapt and bounded up the mountain and managed to pull the sword out, leaving the other one discarded for Scardacia.
“And so the greatest battle of our time begins!” He declared. He was kind of right.
They sword fought all over the village, breaking many houses and costing a lot of really good people quite a good amount of money in damage. They also said some stuff, some of it was
pretty awesome but most of it was fairly boring.
Eventually, they got pretty tired. Scardacia
climbed into a large building, and Gizzard grabbed a stick of some sort and beat the door open. The stick broke, also.
They were locked in a face off, growling and spitting, their swords grinding together, creating the terrible noise of metal upon metal. Then, they stopped. Gizzard smiled. It had been a few long years since he had been locked in such a great battle.
“Let us be best of friends. Come, to my house. I have Hall & Oats.”
Part One and One Half
Upon arriving at Gizzard’s very large mansion, he played a few choice chords on his organ. This, he explained, was to keep the evil away.
Then, he put on his favorite Hall & Oats record and declared, “After a long day of battling, it’s good to just, you know, hang out.”
Scardacia laughed, jumping on a trampoline. They then sat together on the couch and laughed of times passed.
Suddenly, Gizzard got angry. He overturned the trampoline and destroyed a lamp or something.
“What is wrong, Gizzard?” cried Scardacia, throwing his shoe.
Gizzard climbed upon The Exercise Bike of Infinite Anger and screamed, “I HATE EVIL!!”
Scardacia nodded, “As do I! Come, there are books on this!"
The two warriors climbed into Gizzard’s 1993 Chrysler Le Baron and set out to find the legendary book that would teach them to defeat evil.
They finally arrived at Ye Olde Booke Shoppe and parked. Gizzard got out of the car and walked to the back of the car. He opened the trunk and there lay Scardacia.
“Are you sure about this book?” asked Gizzard.
“Surer than most things,” said Scardacia. “There are 3 of them; The Encyclopedia on How to Skin A Man, Good, Evil and Stuff, and this one. Come!”
They set off down the sidewalk and entered the shop. At the desk of the shop was a young lady. She smiled as they walked in.
“Hello Scardacia,” she said pleasantly.
“Wow,” commented Gizzard. “First name basis!”
“Yeah, I wasn’t kidding when I said I come here a lot,” said Scardacia, rather arrogantly. “Plus, I don’t really have a last name. Well, I do, but the last man who tried to pronounce it died.”
They began searching through the bookshelves of the store. They looked through the “Self Help Section” which contained a book called 1001 Ways to Better Your Kids. There were 2 editions of this book: With Shoving Your Ideas and Beliefs On Them and Letting Them Figure It Out For Themselves.
After a while they were beginning to give up hope. They had found such classics as The Viking, Death and the Easter Bunny, The Taste of Death, and a book who’s author’s name Gizzard could not pronounce.
“Ah,” said Scardacia. “Good thing you didn’t try. My uncle wrote it.”
Finally they came across a book with a large white cover.
“Wait! Gizzard come get a look at this!” cried Scardacia upon finding it. Gizzard leapt to his side.
The book was entitled Chicken Soup for the Warrior’s Soul: 1001 Tales of Life, Love, and Learning.”
“This is the book that will teach us to defeat evil,” said Scardacia. “Come, we must read!”
They sat down on the couch and threw the book onto the table. Scardacia threw the book onto the table and opened it, and it made a sickening crackling noise.
“Alright,” said Gizzard, nervously. “Chapter one. . . How to Defeat Evil.”
Suddenly, everything got very dark. The wind outside blew terribly, and the birds all flew away. The lights in the book store flickered, and the young lady at the front desk cried a small “oh my” and flew into the basement, quite literally. She had wings.
As all of this was going on, Gizzard had climbed under the couch, and Scardacia gripped tightly to the sides of the book. Out of the book sprouted a fist. Suddenly, everything around them changed color; everything was a black, red or blue. It was all very. . .digital. Out of the book climbed a tall man, dressed neck to toe in black jeans and a t-shirt with a wolf on it. He had a very impressive red, white and blue mullet, and wore sunglasses and an eye-patch.
“I’ll show you what’s up,” he declared. The training was to begin.
To Be Continued. . .