A Completely Fictitious Account of The History of Wall Ball | Teen Ink

A Completely Fictitious Account of The History of Wall Ball

May 18, 2018
By Fifteen SILVER, Plattsburgh, New York
Fifteen SILVER, Plattsburgh, New York
7 articles 1 photo 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
Missed it by that much-Maxwell Smart

If you grew up in northeastern New York, odds are you are familiar with the game of wallball, or its more complex sister sport, handball. What many of you may not know is the history of handball, and the reason it eventually spun off into wallball. In this piece, I plan to address at least maybe a little bit of that. A little bit. Maybe none.

Handball, as you may know, was originally invented by the great emperor Confucius, ruler of the European nation of Japan off the coast of Australia. While his game was called handball, or in his native tongue of Korean, but it bore only a passing resemblance to the much beloved playground classic we know today. It was originally created for Confucius’s royal guard to perfect their mastery of the ancient Chinese martial art of Krav Maga, and consisted of quickly and deftly striking four balls, rather than the single one we know today, against a wall adorned with either the royal crest or, in wartime, a tapestry depicting enemy soldiers. While it could be played with up to 14½ players, it was typically played by only one individual, to prove to the emperor he was worthy to serve in his royal guard. He, of course, was only allowed to do this after 12 years of loyal service. Go fig.

It wasn’t until 1492, shortly after the voyage of Magellan, that famous nun Marsha Polo visited Japan from the island nation of England with her three ships the Niña, Pinta, and Santa Claus and brought, from the secluded landlocked nation it was born on to her North American home. Even though she had left in search of spices, she returned with a way to entertain the convent.

As you probably are aware, handball was originally played exclusively by women. This is because it was, as mentioned before, introduced to the Americas as a way to entertain bored nuns. It wasn’t until the Austrian women’s suffrage movement of 1876 that men were allowed to play. When the women were all like, “I wanna vote!” the men were all, “Oh yeah? If you’re gonna vote, I’m gonna play handball!” and the women were like, “…Okay, I guess.” This is actually where the business in the front party in the back men’s hairstyle the mullet originated, as the male players were humiliated by the sport they enjoyed so much. There fore, the grew out their hair in the back so that from a distance, they were disguised, but the could fix it in their manly, manly workplace so that it appeared as masculine as David Hasselhoff bench-pressing a shark full of He-Man dolls. The hairstyle is named for Sir John William Mullet, inventor of the hair pick microwave.

While men could finally play handball legally, they had to significantly alter it because, as none of them had ever been nuns, they lacked the characteristic flexibility and bloodthirstiness required to play the game. Therefore, the ball count was reduced to one, this was ironic, because there were now more balls on the court than ever before. The new game was so easy to play that it was eventually introduced to schoolchildren, who had quite a bit of difficulty with the original game, and so the rules were simplified, giving us wallball.

For those uninitiated, here is a brief summary of the rules of wallball:
There are seven main positions and five separate teams. The positions being Half-staff, Falstaff, Shepard, Gavel, Scuzzbucket, Gulchswinger, and Quarterback. Their functions are self explanatory. Only four out of those seven positions may be present on the court at any point in time, with the frequent injuries resulting in the switches. Each player is equipped with an empty leather wallet, two nickels, and a Bowie Knife. The wallet to fill with the money frequently bet on the games (Each player receives a cut), the Bowie knife to savage their opponents, and the nickels for obvious reasons. At no point may the nickels be placed inside the wallet, doing so will result in immediate disqualification.

To win the game, one team must achieve full-square, this requires seven and a half points to be scored on Thursday, five on  a Friday, and Thirty-Two every other day of the week.You may be wondering how to score. That is a very good question.

When the game is over all participants are either expelled or sent to prison.

Now that you are familiar with the rules of wall ball and its rich history, perhaps you will think twice before invoking your right to object at a wedding.

The author's comments:

This piece is utterly and completely false. All inaccuracies are completely intentional and meant to offend nobody. Please take nothing written in this article into factual account or cite it anywhere, or else you will appear a doofus before your peers.

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This article has 2 comments.

EthanO BRONZE said...
on Feb. 2 2019 at 12:12 am
EthanO BRONZE, Falls Church, Virginia
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Maybe this world is another planet's hell."
-Aldous Huxley

I think I've become your biggest fan. I won't object at our wedding ;)

on Aug. 14 2018 at 1:17 pm
CompoundArcher GOLD, Broomfield, Colorado
13 articles 2 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I Have Not Failed. I've Just Found 10, 000 Ways That Something Won't Work." Thomas Edison

"Surely this world-so beautifully diversified in its forms and motions-could not have arisen except from the perfectly free will of God, who provides and governs all things." Roger Cotes

"Don't doubt the Creator, because it is inconceivable that accidents alone could be the controller of this universe.'' Isaac Newton

"In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." Abraham Lincoln

That was funny! I love your sense of humor, too. Keep writing!

(P.S. 14 1/2 players? ;) hahaha!)