The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes | Teen Ink

The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.


[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.

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This article has 1967 comments.


kaleyj SILVER said...
on Dec. 4 2009 at 3:05 pm
kaleyj SILVER, East Lyme, Connecticut
5 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In school, my teacher had us
write down what we wanted to
be when we grew up. I wrote
down "happy". She told me I
didn't understand the assignment.
I told her she didn't understand life."

haha this is great:) especially because the whole twilight plot could be summed up in two minutes. its pretty shallow.

on Dec. 4 2009 at 12:21 pm
peace_love_beauty PLATINUM, Florien, Louisiana
22 articles 35 photos 121 comments

Favorite Quote:
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Psalms 23:4

Ha! i love it! hilarious!!!

on Dec. 3 2009 at 1:50 am
AzureGal BRONZE, Malacca, Florida
1 article 0 photos 14 comments
DUDE!! I LOVE U!! DO ANOTHER! =)

Bones BRONZE said...
on Dec. 2 2009 at 1:47 pm
Bones BRONZE, Pocatello, Idaho
3 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
destroy those who would destroy you

OH my g o d that was the most fricken halarious thing i have ever read

on Dec. 2 2009 at 12:27 pm
HaleyPotter SILVER, Henderson, Nevada
5 articles 0 photos 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi.

That was hilarious! Best Twilight parody I've ever read.

on Dec. 1 2009 at 7:49 pm
SarahSar94 BRONZE, Palm Beach, Florida
4 articles 0 photos 27 comments

Favorite Quote:
Love is just a word until it is proven to you.

Ohh wow! I have to admitt I like the Twilight Saga, but this was hularious. Good job!

ERGrey SILVER said...
on Nov. 27 2009 at 11:11 pm
ERGrey SILVER, College Station, Texas
9 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"If it is once again one against forty-eight, then I'm very sorry for the forty-eight."- Margaret Thatcher
"Red meat isn't bad for you, fuzzy green meat is."
"Writers are the only adults who get to work in their pajamas and play with imaginary friends

Oh my gosh, this was too funny! I loved this! When I was reading the books I was like WTF is up with this story line and you basically summed it up. It's good to know there are other people out there that believe Twilight isn't the greatest thing since sliced bread.

on Nov. 26 2009 at 8:58 pm
Soccergoalie7 SILVER, Granville, Ohio
5 articles 7 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it." -Thomas Jefferson

LOL! One of the most hilarious things I've seen in a while! That was so funny when Edward shot Bella... and I'm a Twilight Fan :). Go Jacob/Taylor Lautner!

on Nov. 24 2009 at 7:21 pm
I LOVE ITTT! as an anti-twilight person, It made my day XD and I am SO sending this to all my friends, Twilight-loving and hating alike!

on Nov. 24 2009 at 4:18 pm
CheshireKitten BRONZE, Riverview, Florida
1 article 0 photos 6 comments
Love it xDDD

Garnet BRONZE said...
on Nov. 21 2009 at 7:03 pm
Garnet BRONZE, Frederick, Maryland
4 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Fall down seven times, stand up eight."

Absolutely hilarious and very witty!

I love Twilight but this was way too funny NOT to laugh at!

on Nov. 21 2009 at 10:27 am
LavenderStone BRONZE, Athens, Georgia
4 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It's never too late—in fiction or in life—to revise." -Nancy Thayer

Genius! I think this sums it up really well, and it's hilarious!

casey261 GOLD said...
on Nov. 21 2009 at 9:45 am
casey261 GOLD, Hainesport, New Jersey
18 articles 0 photos 25 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

im a big twilight fan, and that was just too funny! i loved it!

on Nov. 19 2009 at 4:30 pm
AnneOnnimous BRONZE, Peterborough Ontario, Other
3 articles 0 photos 146 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself."
— John Green

ugh, twilight is so stuupid!! the writing style is so terrible- harry potter is waaayyyy better! but good job

on Nov. 18 2009 at 2:49 pm
NewYorkDreamer, Randolph, Massachusetts
0 articles 1 photo 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you want to be loved, simply be loveable♥

I loved this so much I decided to comment again!! (im OneWithWords at the bottom vvvv) Anyways I'm probably making a youtube vid of it. Permission?? and I will credit you. ~Amanda M. R.

on Nov. 18 2009 at 8:09 am
Happy2lV3Hate GOLD, Gfa, Kentucky
10 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
Im gone...dust in the wind. I smile down at these people.

Stop pretending, your just like me. You'll die one day or another.

This was to funny! I love it! I love Twilight too, I've read all the books, but this is good for people who don't want to read it.

on Nov. 17 2009 at 8:55 am
Onceknown BRONZE, Denver, Colorado
1 article 0 photos 78 comments

Favorite Quote:
Courage is doing what your afraid to do
There can be no courage unless your scared
-Eddie Rickerbacker

I laughed so loud that the libraiain gave me funny looks. Hehehe

evie428 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 16 2009 at 8:23 pm
evie428 BRONZE, Ontario, Other
4 articles 1 photo 88 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writing a novel is not merely going on a shopping expedition across the border to an unreal land: it is hours and years spent in the factories, the streets, the cathedrals of the imagination."

That was soo funny! I read it over again about 3 times! I absolutely love it! :D How did you come up with the idea?

So great! Do more like this!!

Poems BRONZE said...
on Nov. 16 2009 at 12:43 pm
Poems BRONZE, Denver, Colorado
3 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Stepping into an ever expanding field of ignorance..." Richard P. Feynman

HILARIOUS!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHaHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHH....gasp*gasp....HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!

Inkie BRONZE said...
on Nov. 15 2009 at 3:51 am
Inkie BRONZE, Hong Kong, Other
2 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
The universe is actually a giant popcorn....

I fell off my chair, i was laughing so much.

This was so random but so funny...