The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes | Teen Ink

The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.

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This article has 1967 comments.

on Oct. 28 2009 at 4:26 pm
very_literary SILVER, Ballwin, Missouri
7 articles 0 photos 46 comments
I absolutely hate twilight and this was just absolutely hilarious to me with all of the short, shallow, simplistic comments which very much mirrors twilight. This really made me crack up, keep up the good (and funny xD) work!

Mehmeh SILVER said...
on Oct. 28 2009 at 7:09 am
Mehmeh SILVER, Bethesda, Maryland
5 articles 0 photos 18 comments
HAHA! Truth. I used to love the Twilight series but then I read BD and realized how shallow and badly planned it is. Love this!!

on Oct. 27 2009 at 6:34 pm
twilighter_360 GOLD, NYOB, New Jersey
12 articles 0 photos 47 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A bird dosen't sing because it has an answer.A bird sings because it has a song." -- Maya Angelou

"Give peace a chance." --John Lennon

omg...this is sosososo hilarious...this should be the movie...omg if you did one of harry potter i would die

on Oct. 27 2009 at 12:05 pm
Judith_Victorieuse SILVER, Boones Mill, Virginia
8 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
Outside of a Dog, a Book is Man's Best Friend.
Inside of a Dog, it's too Dark to Read.
-- Groucho Marx

LucyM, you have a gift. You have effectively strained the 'Pop' out of 'Pop Lit' - quite an achievement.

on Oct. 26 2009 at 7:11 pm
BridgetD96 SILVER, Southbury, Connecticut
8 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life can stop.
Just as long as the music keeps playing,
I won't notice a thing.

This is so funny. Major props!

on Oct. 25 2009 at 7:44 pm
JessicaMollie BRONZE, Hawera, Other
3 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Quick question in regards to stage directions: if it starts with edward looking over his shoulder at bella, shouldn't he whirl around to face her, rather than the other way around?

Thanks, Jess

on Oct. 25 2009 at 4:21 pm
ButterflyHeart20, Scottsdale, Arizona
0 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be thou the rainbow in the storms of life. The evening beam that smiles the clouds away, and tints tomorrow with prophetic ray. ~Lord Byron

Very nice script! I love it!

on Oct. 24 2009 at 11:59 pm
NewYorkDreamer, Randolph, Massachusetts
0 articles 1 photo 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you want to be loved, simply be loveable♥

I am like THEE biggest Twilight Saga fan EVER (not to make peeps mad :P) and... I think this is the funniest thing ever!! Especially since this basically is all there is to the books with a fun twist. I absolutely love it!! ♥

on Oct. 23 2009 at 11:57 pm
luvyellow33 GOLD, Hoffman Estates, Illinois
10 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
Whatever dont kill you will only make you stronger

im a Twilight fan too but this was amazingly funny

on Oct. 23 2009 at 2:38 pm
NinjaNina BRONZE, Dulles, Virginia
4 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. Now which is more valuable?

That would be AWESOME! LOL the best part would probably be the 'kill me edward' part... loved that.

blooomeanie said...
on Oct. 23 2009 at 1:54 pm
blooomeanie, Dunlap, Illinois
0 articles 0 photos 18 comments
all i can say is this: *thumbs up*

on Oct. 22 2009 at 9:08 pm
anonymousfish BRONZE, Wentzville, Missouri
2 articles 1 photo 57 comments

Favorite Quote:
Like I always say, there is no 'I' in TEAM... there's a 'ME' though, if you jumble it up. -House

hahahahaa! I should hate you for bashing twilight, but i thought it was funny!!

IHSkid said...
on Oct. 22 2009 at 3:07 pm
IHSkid, Albuquerque, New Mexico
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
They should make this into a youtube video.... that would be sick,,,,

on Oct. 22 2009 at 3:07 pm
123nikki6 BRONZE, Albuquerque, New Mexico
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment
This was great! i loved it!!

123Taylor6 said...
on Oct. 22 2009 at 3:07 pm
123Taylor6, Albuquerque, New Mexico, New Mexico
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
wow lol that was very interesting and Edward is very stupid.

on Oct. 21 2009 at 6:08 pm
arElana PLATINUM, Fair Lawn, New Jersey
24 articles 0 photos 94 comments
JaJa (that how they say haha in spanish countries) jaja, that was sooo funny, and just proves how wtupid twilight is.

EdytD SILVER said...
on Oct. 19 2009 at 7:18 pm
EdytD SILVER, Livingston, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 258 comments
haha I love this!!! I find Twilight a bit lame, honestly, and this so accurately describes the way I phrase twilight every time. I love how you put in "anticlimactic" as edward's quote, because that's definitely one of the many faults of the book/movie. Great job!

on Oct. 18 2009 at 8:40 pm
carolineD BRONZE, Coppell, Texas
3 articles 0 photos 1 comment
HAHA!!! Could not stop laughing!!! Love this! Funny, truthful and completely appropriate.

on Oct. 18 2009 at 12:12 am
Alycat07 BRONZE, Fall River, Massachusetts
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"Your hold on me is Permeanent and Unbreakable. Never doubt that."-Edward Cullen Twilight Saga

this is soo creative and its hilarious!1 i love it!!

Wordgasm GOLD said...
on Oct. 17 2009 at 2:14 pm
Wordgasm GOLD, Kingfield, Maine
12 articles 0 photos 45 comments

Favorite Quote:
If it was a unicorn it would have gored you.

muustt stoopn laaggghhiiinnngg....