Southern Peach | Teen Ink

Southern Peach

October 14, 2011
By Miki-chan BRONZE, Waynesboro, Mississippi
Miki-chan BRONZE, Waynesboro, Mississippi
3 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't screw with Crazy.

Blythe Longfellow was gathering wood for the stove. The year was 1889. She lived in the small town of Whistle Stop, Mississippi, and while she usually felt she was melting from the famous southern heat, she was feeling chilled to the bone. She had reason to be: it was the beginnings of a dread filled winter. Her brother had traveled to New England for business and came back with a Farmer's Almanac. Unfortunately, it said that it was going to be a bad winter for Southern Mississippi, really bad. And the almanac was hardly ever wrong. So she hurried, picking up plenty of good sized sticks. When she all she could carry, she scurried back to her cottage. As she loaded the wood into the stove, she heard a loud rumble. She shut the oven door, then looked out a nearby window. She saw nothing, so she stepped back, and started back to the stove. For a minute, she thought she heard several men talking. That night, she heard a BAM, BAM, BAM, coming from downstairs. She suddenly realized what was going on. Someone was trying to break in to her house! She also realized what she'd heard earlier. She'd heard the people who where trying to break down her door this very minute! She knew what she had to do. She walked across the room and opened her closet. She reached in and pulled out a gun. Blythe was no coward. She knew how to shoot. And her aim was almost always perfect. She went downstairs, and reached the bottom just as the burglars had broken open the door. The men had only knives, while she had a powerful musket. They looked at her with joyless amusement. She held up the gun as one took a step forward. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger, girlie" he remarked, and burst out with laughter. She aimed her gun, then pulled the trigger. She hardly felt the recoil, while the man flew back and landed, slid a few feet, then stopped. Her aim had hit it's mark, right in the middle of his chest. It was obvious he was dead. She looked at the others. They were trying to look menacing, but their eyes pleaded for mercy. One stepped forward, and she pointed her gun towards him he was foolish enough to dare to take another step, and she laid him flat. The others ran off, running like roaches when the light comes on. She buried the bodies deep in the ground, in the middle of the forest. She was a strong girl, and you never try to take on a girl like that; you'll come to regret it.

The author's comments:
I know one thing: if I were Blythe, I'd have done the same thing. This is my first try for public writing, so please be gentle with your words.

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This article has 2 comments.

on Nov. 9 2011 at 8:25 pm
Miki-chan BRONZE, Waynesboro, Mississippi
3 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't screw with Crazy.

Well, at least I got that. Thanks!

on Nov. 9 2011 at 2:20 pm
kingofwriters BRONZE, DeWitt, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Books are a uniquely portable magic." - Stephen King

I love books, and I love technology, but I don't want to see the latter overwhelm the former. I just think books are meant to be pages you turn, not screens you scroll through.

Okay, CaeCae97, I'll score your story like the thred in the writing forum said. Here's your score!

2/3 for vocabulary

1/2 for writing techniques

1/2 for grammar

2/2 for plot/topic

1/1 for spelling

Final Score: 7/10


Overall, it's a good story; decent from start to beginning. You said you wouldn't get better than 5/10, and now you got a score of 7/10.


But the story has a lot of flaws. You didn't really have strong vocabulary and you didn't have that many good writing techniques such as similes or metaphors.


There were a lot of points in the story where the grammar was bad, but you stuck to the plot and your spelling was good.


Consider this feedback, and I hope you can make a great story! :)