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I turned the lights off, crawled into my bed, and pulled the covers over me. I saw the house go dark, hear my parents shut their door and climb into bed. I heard them watching the Ellen show. Finally I heard the T.V. turn off and after a while I heard snoring.
I pulled the covers off and stepped out of bed. I grabbed my bag with my stuff in it, and tip toed down the hallway making the least amount of noise possible. I know what I was doing was wrong, but I convinced myself that my parents were just unreasonable. I went through the kitchen and found the doorknob on the back door. I quietly opened the door and slipped out and then closed the door. I walked to the side yard and jumped over the wall. I wonder how I didn’t have any guilt as I walked past my house and looked back at my parent’s window. I walked around the corner and smiled at my boyfriend Jamie who was waiting for me in his car. I slid into the passenger side and closed the door as he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and we drove away.
He asked me where I wanted to go, and I answered how about that party your friends having. He didn’t really want to go but I begged him. He told me he couldn’t resist saying no to me. I smiled and climbed into the back seat and put a blanket over me to change into my dress. After, I clambered back into the passenger seat and fixed my hair and make-up. We drove up to an old, beat up house that no one had been living in the past few years. I got out of the car and stepped onto the sidewalk as Jamie grabbed my hand and led me to the front porch. We opened the door, and the house was filled with people dancing, drinking, and hanging out.
We squeezed through the crowed rooms and got some “lemonade” which we knew really was not just lemonade. Jamie and I had a couple of cups each and then we squeezed into the middle of the dancing crowd.
I lost count of how many drinks Jamie and I had. We were definitely wasted, just like everyone else at the party. At about four in the morning, we decided to leave. I walked out of the house and down the porch steps. I started to walk along the path as I felt Jamie’s warm arms around my waist. He put his cheek against mine, and then he sweetly kissed my cheek and put his arm around my shoulder and led me to the car. He opened my door as I climbed in and shut the door. I watched him walk around the car and get in. Once he was settled he turned to look at me. He leaned over and put his warm hand on the back of my neck and so softly pressed his lips against mine. He then leaned back but didn’t look away. He looked deeply into my eyes and with a soft whisper said “I love you.”
We were speeding down the road not paying attention. He was driving with one hand on the wheel and the other in my hand. We knew there weren’t many cars out so we “thought” we were fine. We were laughing so hard, passing every red light, screaming and having the time of our lives, until suddenly a bright light flashed before us. Jamie’s hand slipped away and pain suddenly went through my whole body.
I woke up and saw my older brother sitting in the chair next to the hospital bed I was lying in. He stood up and sat on the bed next to me. I was able to tell he did not know what to say, so I took a deep breath to break the silence. He asked how I was feeling and I answered fine. I asked him where mom and dad were, and he said they were getting lunch. Before I could say anything else he suddenly said everything is going to be ok, don’t you worry… it’s going to be ok.
I sat there thinking about the night and Jamie came to my mind. I sat up and asked my brother if he knew how he was. He looked at me with the face I wasn’t hoping for. The doctor came in and I asked him if I could go see Jamie. He looked at me, then at my brother and walked out. I turned to my brother, looked at his face, and it all came back to me. Tears filled up my eyes and I started to cry. I felt physical pain as my body tightened up.
When I got home I stepped into my house and walked straight into my room. I lay in my bed and just cried. I felt like Jamie’s death was entirely my fault. I had begged him to take me to the party. I laid there looking at the ceiling, crying until I fell asleep.
Days passed and the only time I got out of bed was to go to the bathroom. My mom brought me each meal in bed. I didn’t talk to anyone and nobody ever brought up that night.
I was depressed. I wasted my whole summer away staring at my ceiling.
There was one week of summer left and school was nagging on me. Nothing changed and pain was still eating me alive. I couldn’t take it anymore. I thought there was nothing in my life worth living for. I waited until I was home alone and got out of bed and slowly walked to my father’s closet. I pulled out the case we had for safety, like if someone ever broke in. I brought it into my room and set it on my bed. I found an old notebook and opened it. With my lucky pen I wrote, “I love you all so much, but I cannot live my life like this anymore. I have ruined this family and me and I am sorry. Do not forget me and remember I love you so much. With love, ‘lost one.’”
I opened the case with tears now streaming down my face. I lifted the gun out, knowing I was about to do what was best, and then Jamie came to my mind. I remembered all the things we did together. How inseparable we were. All the laughter we shared and the pain we helped each other through. I remembered how sweetly he kissed me and then I cried even harder when it was as if I could see his face, his blue eyes staring into mine, and I could see and hear him say so clearly, “I love you.” At that moment the gun slipped out of my hand, and in my heart I decided that I would live my life in honor of Jamie, knowing that’s what he would want me to do.