Paradoxically Average Joe | Teen Ink

Paradoxically Average Joe

July 25, 2012
By Jefferson_Aero SILVER, St. Joseph, Missouri
Jefferson_Aero SILVER, St. Joseph, Missouri
7 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Joe was a pledge to The Multitude. Membership to The Multitude provided many services, including: movie tickets gifted by rich alumni (parents); both a ride in the Party Bus and a date to prom; and a tacit reservation of front-row seating at all extracurricular events. Membership required no pecuniary contributions; however, members had to pay their way into this elitist group somehow.

Task 1: Body Build.

Joe inflated his biceps to the size of supergiant suns, burning his muscles just as hot, too, with every bicep curl and steroid injection. Joe’s body went ballistic. It swelled, comparing in size only to the Incredible Hulk. But it was not he who turned green with envious rage, for members of The Multitude had all they ever desired at their fingertips. In The Multitude, jealousy was dead and could no longer victimize young souls.

Task 2: Get laid.

He hosted a party for The Multitude, plus Jackie Frank who was so average that she never warranted inclusion in The Multitude. He planned that he and Jackie would overtly “sneak” into the Seven-Minutes-In-Heaven closet for the spectacle of his audience. She had trusted him her whole life, and thought they would merely kiss. The door was locked from the outside for seven minutes. Joe did not stop at anything for The Multitude.
Joe was celebrated the victor, the bloody panties his spoils. But there was one final and compulsory step to the hazing process.

Task 3: Prove Loyalty.

A bridge overlooked a taunting tributary. Multitude pledges traditionally hurdled themselves off the bridge and swam to tag a willow tree upstream. Joe could not swim but primed himself for triumph nonetheless. Arrogantly, he volunteered first. His dense muscles anchored him to the riverbed, to see neither the light of day nor the light of a human pupil again. Newspaper headlines the next day heralded, “14-year-old boy commits suicide due to poor self-image,” but everyone knew Joe: this was too staggering to be true.

The author's comments:
This piece was inspired by the great satire of Mark Twain. I wanted to play around with satire myself.

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