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Get up you lazy ass, time to get moving… come on! You know what you are? You’re a waste of a sperm, you are nothing more than a whore you conceited little wench. Who are you trying to fool; you can’t do anything even if you tried. Another day of self-loathing. Great start to the day.
I put on my favorite pair of jeans, tank top and plaid shirt that went well with my sneakers. A little bit of eye liner and I would be ready. Ha! You really think eye liner does anything for you? All the make up In the world wouldn’t be able to hide your hideousness girl, my reflection that looked back at me was pained. I sucked in my stomach hoping my ribs would show, but I was too fat. It wasn’t even worth it. I looked paler than usual so I decided to put on some blush and some foundation to cover the cuts on my arms. I could never show these. Everyone knew me as a fun person, what would they think if they knew I cried myself to sleep every night and cut myself to the point where I needed tourniquets? They couldn’t think any worse of you than they already do my conscious sneered at me. With a sigh I grabbed my bag and headed out the door to the bus.
You know they can tell you are hiding something, say something idiot! My conscious screamed at me. “Hey, guys, how was your weekends?” they all looked at me like I had 5 heads, nice one.
“It was great girl! What did YOU do?” It was my best friend carol who chose to speak to me, “no, wait, don’t tell me, you got laid!” she squealed with delight. You wish you did you ugly piece of s***.
“Umm, yeah, of course! Bobby and I had a blast last night if you know what I mean,” I winked at her. The truth was, I never slept with anyone in my life, I was still a virgin and well Bobby, he was my best friend since kindergarten, he just went along with it all.
“I knew it! You look fantastic!” I blushed at the small indirect compliment which was getting rarer and rarer every day.
“Thanks Carol,” I gave a smile that was sure to fool her for what was going on inside my head.
The bus came to an abrupt stop, I looked out the window and saw the high school with a dark ominous cloud circling it. This day keeps getting better and better. I slung my back pack on my right shoulder and walked off the bus. Now don’t be a klutz, be normal, would ya! I would if I could. I was lost in my own reverie that I slipped on a patch of ice. I wiped out on my butt in a matter of seconds. The ground was cold and unwelcoming. I stood up as fast as I could brushing myself off looking around me as people snickered and shook their heads going into the building. I shrugged off the feeling of bitterness and opened the door to a blast of warm air.
“Hey! Over here!” Bobby was cheerful as ever as he raced towards me. His eyes clouded as he looked me up and down, “Everything alright Liv?” he asked taking my books from my arms and slinging an arm around my shoulder.
“Yeah, fine” I muttered.
“You don’t look so good, when’s the last time you had a decent meal? You know I don’t like you not eating,” he scolded me, but his tone was light.
“I know, I know. I’m sorry, I just-“
“Hey, don’t sweat it, let’s grab a bite for lunch, my treat, meet me out front alright?” Bobby handed me my books back and took his arm off my shoulder pausing first and giving it a little squeeze, “three more hours and its lunch, hang in there babe,” Bobby bent down and kissed my cheek in a friendly way. I smiled at his kind gesture and walked into my classroom soon realizing I had forgotten my homework.
I took my usual seat in the back of the classroom and tried to busy myself with getting my notebook out. Ms. Salvador came over to me, “Well Olivia? Your homework?” she crossed her arms over her chest.
“I…umm… was unable to do it last night, I’ll bring it in tomorrow,” my stomach dropped as she walked away with a huff. She hates you, just die you worthless thing. She won’t miss you, she doesn’t even take you seriously, what are you even trying to prove? Don’t even bother with the homework just drop out now, you know you will never graduate this hell hole. You aren’t smart enough. “SHUT UP!!!!!” I couldn’t stop the words from coming out of my mouth. As soon as I said them the whole class turned around towards me. Ms. Salvador was in the middle of a sentence and froze with her hands midair.
“Well, if you wish to disrupt my class, you can be sure to do it on your way to your administrators office,” her tone was icy.
“No, I didn’t-“
“GO!” I stood up and gathered my books and bag and practically ran out of the classroom. Oh, reeeaall smooth Olivia, now look what you did. I shut my eyes tight trying to block out her voice. I couldn’t go to my administrators, they would call my mom and then things would get physical. I had to find Bobby. He was probably in chemistry by now. I turned around and headed up towards the 900 corridor. 901…902…903! I peered in and saw Bobby chewing on the end of his pencil bored to death. I locked eyes with him and signaled for him to come outside.
“May I go to the Bathroom?” Bobby asked in a brusque tone. Without waiting for an answer Bobby stood up and pushed back his chair making a squeaking sound, “Hey, what’s up? You alright?”
“I got kicked out of class,” I confessed. Bobby’s smile grew wider, “what are you smiling about? I just got kicked out! Its not funny!” I smacked his arm unable to hide my own amusement at how he found this funny.
“You, silly. Wow, you’re one badass girl,” he laughed again. I couldn’t keep the goofy grin off my face.
“I apparently have to go to my administrator now. This day keeps getting better and better,” I muttered. Bobby put his arms around me and gave me a big hug. He smelled like fresh laundry, I smelled like cheap perfume and kiwi shampoo probably.
“Shhh, it’ll be alright. Go back to class okay? Just apologize and see what she says,” Bobby’s words brought so much hope to me.
“Okay, I’ll try,” I sniffled against his firm chest. I could stay in these arms forever, “Thanks,” I gave him a small smile and walked back to class.
Two more classes later I was physically and mentally done. My stomach was growling and I desperately needed to see Bobby. I walked to the front of the school like he had told me to and I saw his boyish face light up the minute he saw me. He rushed over to me and grabbed my hand; most people thought we were going out. I wasn’t even sure if we were. Of course you aren’t why would he like someone fat and ugly like you? I pushed my conscious out of my head and focused on where we were going.
“So, whatcha in the mood to eat?” Bobby asked swinging our arms rhythmically.
“I dunno, anything works, I’m starved,” as if on cue my stomach growled loudly.
“I know just the place!” Bobby said taking a sharp left at the corner of the street. The sky was dark but it was surprisingly warm outside. The warm air was welcoming to how cold I felt on the inside.
“Are we almost there Bobby?” I asked picking up the pace to meet him. He didn’t answer me. He just looked at me and then looked away, “Bobby? Hello, anybody up there?” I teased him.
“Shhhh, just be patient would ya?” I huffed and picked my head up to see in front of me. On the next corner was a cozy little restaurant. I looked expectantly at Bobby whose face was at blank as a piece of paper, “to answer your question, yes, this is where we are eating,” I couldn’t help but smile. He was the sweetest person I had ever met.
“It’s so cute!” I squealed. The outside was a calming green, it was a small little shack but the waitresses inside all seemed to wear a content expression on their faces. The people at the bar were laughing and talking to everyone, deep in conversation. A little white sign completed the design on the door, “Open” it read. Bobby held the door open for me, the smell of sweet apple pie filled my nose. No one noticed us coming in, they were all to busy laughing and eating. Bobby took my hand and we sat at the end of the bar.
“Hey long time no see Bobby!” an old grey haired woman greeted us, “What can I get for you two kids?” she took out a pad and pen from her apron.
“Hey Gertie. This is Olivia, Olivia, Gertie. I’ve been coming here since I was a baby. She’s like another mother to me,” Bobby wore a big grin on his face as he glanced at the menu and then back to me, “We’ll have the usual with extra pickles and a side salad. Oh, and two sprites,” the waitress jotted down his orders and slapped it shut smiling to us as she walked into the kitchen.
“What’s the usual?” I asked curious about the food I was about to eat.
“You’ll see, you’re going to love it. I know you like pickles so I got extra. Sorry I didn’t ask,” Bobby seemed shy all of a sudden.
“Don’t sweat it, I’m sure I'll love it,” I gave him my best smile that actually felt like it reached my eyes. Bobby smiled back at me in the same way. Stop fooling around idiot!
In a matter of minutes our food was brought to us along with our sprites. There was an abundance of pickles on a separate plate just for me. The usual was a juicy burger with about everything imaginable on it. My mouth watered just looking at it. “This looks delicious,” I said.
“Well go on, dig in!” Bobby picked his up and took a big bite, juice rolling down his mouth. I used the same technique he did and took my first bite. All the flavors together tasted amazing. I groaned in pleasure, “you seem to be enjoying that burger,” Bobby laughed taking another bite followed by a mouthful of soda.
“Mhmm, definitely. This has to be the best burger I have EVER had!” a drip of juice rolled down my chin, I frantically covered my mouth with my hand and searched for a napkin.
“Here messy,” Bobby wiped the juice away with the napkin slowly smiling at me the whole time looking me dead in the eyes. Could he like me? Could the butterflies in my stomach mean more than anxiety of being touched by someone so intimately? No, it couldn’t.
“Thanks, I’m a hot mess,” I teased. Bobby agreed. Within minutes we were both done with our burgers and chugged down the last of our soda finishing off with a loud burp. My stomach was full for once, and my head was getting better. I hadn’t eaten in days.
We both stood up and Bobby went over to pay the bill at the counter, “One of these days I promise I will pay you back for everything,” I promised.
“How many times do I have to tell you Liv? I like taking you out, it’s my treat, you never have to pay when I’m with you.” Bobby’s words struck something in me.
“Yes, I know. Thank you anyways.”
“Always a pleasure,” Bobby said, holding the door open for me. We walked back to the school hand in hand not speaking a word to each other. We didn’t need to speak, silence was welcoming. I dreaded going back to school, I felt so happy here with Bobby, I didn’t know if I could hang on any longer in this school, I might go crazy by the end of the month. You are you kidding? You’re already a crazy psychopath. Just embrace it fatty. I clutched my stomach in reaction.
“You okay?” Bobby’s concerned voice brought me back to the present.
“Yeah, fine. I got to get to class, thanks for lunch Bobby!” I released my hand from his and hurried inside. I needed some space. I needed the bathroom. I rushed through the lobby and got out my ID scanning it quickly and pushing the door open. I went to the sink and gripped the sides with both hands. No matter how much you throw up, you will always be fat. Fat.fat.fat! I took my finger and put it down my throat gagging myself. Nothing game out, just flem. I tried again and felt bile rise from my stomach and sting my throat. The burger I had eaten came up in the sink. I ran the water and stuck my mouth under it. I felt more coming up. I dipped my head back down into the sink and let the rest of my lunch come up. I was not going to gain any more weight. I couldn’t be fat anymore. I sunk down against the cool tiled wall and put my head in my hands feeling defeated. Feeling worthless. See? You ARE nothing. Nothing more than a whore. Nothing. You are nothing more than a useless human being. The words that circled around my mind made me hate myself even more. I stood up and looked myself in the mirror. I was done. I cleaned off my face and headed back to class.
The last three classes of the day went by slowly. The thoughts of what was to come tonight filled my mind, blocking everything out. I didn’t care about how much homework I got. It wouldn’t get done anyways. Not tonight, not ever.
Bobby waited for me at the front of the building and took me in his arms, “I’m sorry if I said something earlier to upset you.”
“You didn’t say anything, can we just go home now?” I asked, tears coming to my eyes. Bobby smiled at me and nodded his head. We walked the short distance to my house in silence once again.
Bobby usually paused at the end of the driveway and said goodbye to me then but today he walked me to the door, “Something’s up with you, what is it?”
“Nothing, I’m just really tired. I’ll call you later okay?” my words were filled with empty promises. Bobby gave me a look of distrust but nodded and walked down the driveway towards his house. I felt exhausted. There was still so much to do before tonight.
I walked into the house seeing my mom passed out on the couch. I took the lit cigarette from her and put it out in the ash tray. I cleaned up the beer bottles and took out the trash. I did the dishes and left the kitchen smelling of Lysol. Knowing my mom would wake up before dinner and throw up I put the garbage can by her head and shut the blinds. Knowing that I did all I could for now I went up to my room and began cleaning my room trying not to make a sound. A hour later I decided to go downstairs and make some dinner. I boiled a pot of pasta and in 20 minutes it was ready. The steam filled the house making my hair frizz up more than it was already. She would probably be hungry when she woke up. I took out the crumpled note in my pocket and left it by the bowl of pasta.
In my room I went through my underwear draw and found the small plastic baggie. A few white pills were still in there, just enough to get the job done. I reached for my phone and texted Bobby, “I am sorry I was not all there today. You must understand. I never thought I could love anyone, but I love you more than anything else in the world. You are everything to me; please do not be mad at me. I would have talked to you but this is my own battle. Please know that I will always love you.” I pressed the send button and watched it. He replied in a few minutes, “What are you talking about? I love you too. Are you okay? I’m coming over Liv. Liv? Please don’t do anything stupid I’m walking as I’m texting this.” I went pale. He would be here in a few minutes. I ran into the bathroom and ran the water, I shoved the pills into my mouth and downed them with water. I sat on the floor waiting for something to happen. My eyes began to feel very heavy so I slumped down leaning my head against the toilet. My heart was slowing. I felt no more pain, I felt happy. I head the door down stairs slam open and heavy feet on the stairs. The door knob to the bathroom jiggled but I was smart enough to lock it, finally you are taking my advice! My conscious sneered, but for once I did not care about what she had to say.
“Liv? Olivia? You in there? OPEN THE DAMN DOOR NOW!” Bobby’s hysterical voice grew more distant as my vision went black and the last breath from my lips was shed. The door busted open.