I Will Never Forget | Teen Ink

I Will Never Forget

April 25, 2014
By variant SILVER, Wright City, Missouri
variant SILVER, Wright City, Missouri
6 articles 6 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
What a slut time is, she screws everybody.
-John Green, The Fault In Our Stars

Dear Mother,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough to be your daughter. I'm sorry for all the times I thought my nanny was my mommy. I'm sorry you were never home. I'm sorry that you were not there for my first day of kindergarten. I'm sorry you weren't there when I learned how to ride my bike, or there to help me up when I fell. I'm sorry you weren't there for my first dance, or when I went to my first party. Mother, I'm sorry you weren't there for all the times my heart was broken. I'm sorry you weren't there to comfort me when I was forced to give all myself up. I'm sorry you weren't there to hold me all those nights I cried myself to sleep. I'm sorry you weren't there to take pictures during homecoming. I'm sorry you weren't there to hold your breath when I was opening my letter from Stanford. I'm sorry you weren't there to scream or laugh when I got in. I'm sorry you weren't there to help me dress for my senior prom. I'm sorry you weren't there for my high school graduation. Most of all I am sorry that I was ever your daughter.

The day I realized you would never love me, was also the day I found out why. I remember when our nanny, Sam, tried so hard to covince me of your unconditional love for me. I also remember when I found out that was not true. I guess I should have realized when I grew up with red hair, and all my other siblings with blonde. I guess I should have realized when I had no features that resembled my father, but another man. I guess I should have realized the way dad looked at me, the way no father should. I guess I should have realized, when you looked at me with so bitterness. I guess I should have realized that I was a mistake. I guess I should have realized that you never wanted me, but kept me for appearences. After all one negative comment could shatter your career.

I probably should have realized you never wanted me, after all those late nights Sam tucked me into bed, and read me a story. I should have realized you didn't want me there after all the times I cried for you, but you never came. Sam was the one who cooked all my meals and loved me like a mother should. It was Sam who gave me all the attention I could ever need. But what I really needed was you. I remember the day you fired Sam. I cried and begged for her to stay, but I should have known it would happen sooner or later.

I remember the first day you ever stayed home with me, and you snapped. When I was hungry, you just threw food at my face and told me to make it myself. I was eight mother. I didn't know how to cook a frozen pizza. I might as well have been there alone, because you pretended I wasn't there. That was also thr night I packed all my things and ran away, until I got hungry and came home. I was gone for three hours, and the only ones who worried about me were my brother and sister. Mother, why didn't care enough to be there for me? I hope that you regret the mistakes you made one day. There is no taking back, what you have done to me.



Dear Father,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I never added up to your standards. I'm sorry I wasn't perfect. I'm sorry I could never make you proud. I'm sorry you found the live you so desperately needed, from another woman. I'm sorry mother was such an ice queen. I'm sorry that woman broke your heart. I'm sorry about the alcohol addiction that has stolen you away. Father I'm sorry about the first night you snuck into my room. I'm sorry about all the crying we both did after. I'm sorry for telling you biological son. I'm sorry about all the hate you forced upon me, after your son confronted you. I'm sorry about all the times I never screamed when you snuck into my room, after what happened with Danny. I'm sorry for growing into a young woman. I'm sorry the child that grew inside me. I'm sorry for giving her up to a wonderful family. I'm sorry for still wanting to be in her life. Most of all I'm sorry that I was ever your daughter.

The day I realized you would never love me, was also the day I found out why. I heard you talking to mother, and begged her to give me away. You hated that you could see the other man when you looked at me. You hated that I had mothers green eyes, but I had the mans fiery red hair. I would be a permanent reminder of when your wife turned ice cold. I remember when I was little you would sing me lullabies. It was before everything changed. Before mother told you of the affair. I wish she wouldn't have told you, because I miss my father. I miss when you would kiss me goodnight, and not those nasty kisses that came years later. I miss you telling me I was your world, and not the cracked version that it is now.

Do you remember all the good times we had, before you found out? Like that time that boy Jake pulled my pigtails, and you told me it was only because he liked me. You stayed up all night with me making him a birthday card. Do you remember the time I fell from the Oak tree in our front yard? You carried me to the truck, and took me to the emergency room, and after words we got frozen yogurt from Fritz's.

I remember all the late night fights you had with mother. She would come home drunk, and slap me. You would get so mad, because I was your little girl. Until your real daughter was born. She became the apple of your eye, the star in your night sky, and I be became the dark in your world. The dystopia to your future. I was the mistake that crushed you. Mother is no longer the only one whose heart froze the day the truth came out. You barely even pay attention to either of your children anymore. You just sit there with glass eyes, and stare at the wall. It's like you think it can turn back time before you changed, before I was born, before everything changed. There s no taking back what you have done to me.



Dear Brother,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making you hate me. I'm sorry for never being there. I'm sorry that I told you what father was doing. I'm sorry that you had to confront him for it. I'm sorry about hitting you with a baseball when I was five. I'm sorry about not being there to congratulate you, and cheer you on for your first baseball game. I'm sorry for not being there for your eighth birthday, or when you turned eighteen. But it was family only, and I was no longer part of that.

I'm sorry I broke your best friends nose in sixth grade. I'm sorry for falling for your best friend. I'm so sorry for hurting him. Danny, I'm sorry for not helping you with the problems you had with your girlfriend. I'm sorry for not congratulating you on your engagement. I'm sorry for not being there when my niece was born. I'm sorry that I never thanked you for naming her after me. I'm sorry, so sorry, that I didn't get to watch her turn one, or congratulate you for your promotion. I'm so sorry that your child can't see our parents. I'm sorry our parents were so crappy to us. I'm sorry for not being by your side. Most of all, I'm sorry for being such a terrible sister.

The day I realized that you would always love me, was also the day we found out. They were sending me away to some other family with a thousand kids. Only one was their own, they were only looking for someone to babysit. The mom was a drug addict, and the dad was a creep. The way they looked a me made my skin crawl. At times, I wished you where there, like you were so many times before. You would hold me, and make empty promises of a better tomorrow. But the better never came, only the worse did. I wish you would have been there to help me, when that boy from school stole my innocence. I wish you would have been there to warn me not to be with him. I wish you would have been there to discourage me from going to prom. I wish you would have been there when he did it again.

I miss you so much sometimes, that it hurts. It hurts to go on, without my big brother, it hurts to know you've moved on without me. I think about all the good times we could have had, if only mother and father could have stopped living in the past. I could have gone to your wedding, and been there to meet your fiancé. I could have held my niece, and bounced her on my leg. I could have been there when she had no mom left. I could have helped her though her first heartbreak, and through her first bad relationship. She could have been my world, and I could have been hers. But there is no taking back what I have done to you.

Need you, love you, miss you,


Dear Sister,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for throwing a fit when you were born. I'm sorry for being jealous, when you stole all the attention. I'm sorry that mother and father loved you most. I'm sorry for not being there when you took your first steps. I'm sorry for pushing you away every time you tried to get close. I'm sorry about all the times I ignored you as we grew up. I'm sorry for telling you, I hated you. I'm so sorry for telling you you're not good enough. I'm sorry for not being there when you were sick. I'm sorry that you never got to fall in love. I'm sorry we never got to make piece with each other. I'm sorry that your fate was death a the age of sixteen. I'm sorry for not being at your wake, or your funeral. Sadie, I'm so sorry for not loving you enough. Most of all, I'm sorry that I was not the sister you deserved.

The day I realized you would always adore me, was the day I was forced to move away. You clung to me for dear life, although mother tried to tell you I was going to a friends house. But the look in your eyes told me that you didn't believe it. I've missed you every single day since then. If I would have known, you only had a few years left, I would have cherished all of my years with you. Despite what you may have thought, you were my everything. I loved you to the ends of time, I just didn't know how to show it anymore. I've made a lot of mistakes in my days, but never loving you enough, was my biggest one. It's a mistake that I can never change. I think about it every single day.

There was this one time, when I sat for hours just staring at the photo our brother gave to me. It was a picture of us two a Disney World, needless to say you had more fun than I did, but you looked so happy. Danny told me of the cuts you made when you were twelve. He said he used to hear you cry yourself to sleep. Then the cancer came, and a spark ignited. He said you were angry, and you were scared. He also told me that you tried to find me. I wish you would have Sadie, I really wish you would have. I miss you so much, and all those years that I missed without you, I can't get them back. You are still everything to me, I will always love you. You will always be my baby sister. I just wish that you would have had a life, I don't understand how fate works. It seems like it screws us all.

Live, laugh, love always,


I've thought about sending those letters over and over again. I had them in the envelope, and ready to go. Until I realized, that I didn't know where to send them. I haven't spoken to any of the people I loved in years. Decades even. Sadie is gone, just like I'm sure our parents are. I've wanted so desperately to get in touch with Danny, but I don't want to resurface any haunting memories that I might bring. I've been alone all these years, and now, as I'm on my deathbed, I've realized what a mistake I've made.

I have no one to hold my hand, or tell me that it's alright. I've never been in love, or had children. I've never been alive. I've just been walking this Earth with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I've never been able to let go, or forget. I still feel the pain, of the past creeping in on me, and it makes the depression sink in deeper. There are many things that I regret, and one of them was never letting go. I know that I'll never be able to forget, and that I will always remember everything.

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