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Memoirs of Jane Solera
What can you do when it seems that the wound on your heart suddenly starts to deepen, breaking the false sense of society you hid in? What do you do when the bandage that kept it covered presses harder on your flesh, your soul? When you suffer inside, you can’t just yell, scream, throw a fit or act out for help because the problem is only yours.
What if the king’s horses put you together but then a gust of wind blows you back into pieces? You’ll be left there; stuck.
I don’t try to cry for my tears get sucked into the sea, I don’t run because I’m going in circles, anything I do is useless. How are you supposed to live with yourself when either choice to get you out of your hell hurts one near you?
Sorry, I should explain
Depressed - It is 8:00am. I’ve been awake for approximately 3 days and 8 hours. Today, I had to clean out my room so it gave me an excuse to be up early.
I looked at my room; empty with no decoration in sight, there’s nothing to hold onto or tear away from. Just the basic small room for a 15-year-old Mexican-American girl.
I wanted to collapse on my hard wood floor and cry for hours and hours. That was new to me because I didn’t cry when my dad left and hadn’t cried for three years. I should have learned that bottling everything inside would only lead to an eruption of emotions in the future.
Today is the first annual “paint your own room day.” I am stuck in what’s left of my livelihood. I’m, according to my parents, supposed to make it bright and glorious, when in the inside I feel the opposite. I wish I could just purge what’s inside me to feel free and liberated yet I feel stuck in oblivion. I wish I could empty the throbbing pain of my heart like how I could spill this paint on the floor.
I’ve got a 4-day weekend to try to do that before...before I lose them both.
No, I thought. I can’t bear to lose them both, that’s worse then leaving just one...But he never loved me before, why should I care, no, why do I care?
My head was hurting again; it’s been like this since school started.
I had to distract myself from reality, from the cruel web that I unknowingly wove.
I looked over at the paint jar, sitting on the other side of my room and went to it. Then, I started to remember s dream I had; one that was hard to forget. The clearest part was with ASB Boy, the fuzzy parts were with Angel R. It was showing me the times I’d talked to them, laughed with them, all of the good times with both of them simultaneously even though ASB Boy came out way more. It was like watching a movie, except only a select few clips of my life. Then, the dream centered around me again and I was standing with my eyes closed. When I opened them, I saw both ASB Boy and Angel R. standing side-by-side while their eyes bore into mine. I looked at both of them and felt faint. Then, the floor beneath me shattered into smaller pieces and I fell into what seemed like an abyss.
I snapped out of my daydream and noticed I was standing in front of the jar. I opened it, exposing the color of passion and reason, the color of judgment and emotion, the color of release. That’s what I need, release, peace, freedom...my walls were just painted with the color of plain, the color that never goes back because it’s never gone forward.
I heard voices of my friends telling me to choose. I gripped the paintbrush harder and then dipped it into the paint. Anger started to rush to my head because I couldn’t chose and then BAM! I slapped the color of change on the unchangeable. I tilted my head to the side and saw a pattern that wasn’t there. I then gripped my paintbrush harder and dipped it into the paint again. I just painted patterns on the entire length of it. When it seemed that I had no more fuel in me to paint more of a pattern, I walked to the middle of the room and saw what my subconscious mind saw a couple of minutes ago. It was thorns but the flower it protected was nowhere in sight.
The paint started racing down to the floor covered with a big tarp of dullness. I saw more drops join in and followed them with my eyes until they finally dripped to the white. I sighed and filled in the white spots.
Jane, you know we’ve been friends for a while and as we knew each other more and more, I started to like you more than just a friend. You’re just so...amazing; I feel like myself when I’m near you. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you...
I was sobbing. I don’t deserve him; I don’t deserve either of them. I just can’t choose...
I’ve been so blind, so ignorant with everything around me until BOOM! An explosion. One day, the day I was cornered. I couldn’t see how I was slowly but surely killing my heart, confusing my soul and silencing my brain. I couldn’t see how I was hurting everyone around me...
When people said love brings the light of the day, I got the darkest of night and I never got there; to the light. No matter what direction I went, how quick I reacted, I just never felt the light dry my tears of agony. But do I have a light at the end of the tunnel? Do I even get a shot at happiness? My life wasn’t exactly one filled with fairytale trimmings; it’s just one I got stuck with...
I re-dipped the paintbrush into the paint and covered up the horrible life I’d experienced. Or so I tried.
That Was a Horrible Explanation, Let Me Try Again
Remembrance - That was probably the worst part of the day. I didn’t care that I had to clear out and paint my room by myself on the Saturday before Veteran’s Day, It didn’t bug me that I couldn’t talk to my friends until I finished; I could go on and on. Seriously though, this was the day I least wanted to think about my past, the problems...my head started to ache.
I can’t go back there, I don’t want to go back there I just, I can’t. The thing is though that I don’t have much of a choice. Ha-ha, ironic how freewill is the greatest gift from god but that what we do with it is going to determine where we go after death. Why couldn’t he just command people what to believe in? I mean then everyone would go to heaven and live in peace. Instead, he decides to give us each a Pandora’s Box to do with what we will. It doesn’t seem right but then again, it gives me a choice. If it were all just a “do this or else” thing, people would stray away and be punished anyway. Maybe he gave us a choice to see what kind of character and judgment we have.
Right now, being told what to do looks suddenly appealing. I just wish someone, anyone could tell me what to do but they can’t...and shouldn’t. A person can’t always rely on those near them for help, it suffocates their wisdom. They must fend for themselves because no one will have the exact same experience. Everyone must live their own lives and consequently make their own mistakes like the presidential campaigns recently. Inexperience is useless, I mean, FDR, the greatest president in my opinion, couldn’t ask anyone how to deal with WW2, the Great Depression and the Cold War; he made it up as he went along. Our president-elect is making it up as he goes along too; I need to learn that, it’s the basics of survival.
Deep breaths Jane, I told myself, take deep breaths...
Jane Maria Solera. That’s the full name of the stupidest girl ever. Supposedly, my name means “gift of god” but I’ve never even felt remotely close to that. I don’t feel precious, I never have and the last few weeks of my life aren’t exactly helping with that either.
Well, growing up kids called me “plain Jane” and would laugh afterwards while I stood there clueless about what they meant. I later found out that they were calling me that because of the book Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte though I doubt they knew that.
That’s not a bad book actually, I can totally relate to Jane in the love thing and felt her pain when she left Rochester but the end didn’t seem like it could happen in real life.
I felt plain until I got into high school. Some people thought I was pretty, a few thought I was beautiful but I just thought it was flattery.
Before that though, before I even thought flattering me was possible, came the day in which I met him...
The Guy That Never Liked Me Until I Stopped Liking Him
Pain - Angel R. Just hearing and writing his name is making me shake. I can’t believe that this angel could turn out to be such a demon.
Well, this is him. The jigsaw I left unresolved. Why did I have to be in extra curricular activities? Why did I choose percussion? Why was he there?
As I said before, this evil angel and I had a percussion class together during the end of eight grade. If I learned anything in that class solidly, (I couldn’t follow notes, beats or tempo well) it was that not all guys are jerks. I thought they were all obnoxious jerks meant to drive me crazy. I thought that a decent guy was something you would wish for in a well that would never come true like world peace or winning the Lotto.
Then, I met this mysterious tall, spiky haired person with some strange radiance coming from his eyes. His sleek, black hair contrasting his light brown skin. This boy with the luminous smile some dream of getting, this boy with the originality of a white shirt and denim blue shorts. The boy I thought I liked...
I used to like him, I try to lie to myself but I wasn’t too convinced. Just because he was the first one who had a conversation with me. Just because he respected my opinion. I wished that more people were like him, you know, able to see through the barrier of race, religion, intelligence or anything else for that matter. Then again, that wish is one that will never come true. But I still kept hope alive because I didn’t want to have anyone go through what I had to go through as a kid; friendless and exiled by fellow alumni because of something as conceited as appearance.
That class didn’t last forever, not even three months. The last two months of eight grade I somehow survived knowing I might see him in summer, I might be in his classes and that I might be able to talk to him more.
Those hopes however were never met. In summer, I saw him in total just once and when I waved, he ignored me. He was close to my classes aka, he was ignorant. The boy I met in eight grade wasn’t quiet; this guy was...
That was freshman year for me (when it came to him anyway.)
Sophomore year was when the uncared-for mess I made finally came back to haunt me. On the first day of tenth grade, I still liked him. I had the feeling during the summer that I’d be with the one I thought was him but then, heartbreak steered me clear.
On the third day of high school, I saw him...with his...girlfriend.
Tears started gently gliding down my face. I’d been so broken up, especially because I told him about my crush on him yet there he was, ignoring me and then, rubbing it in.
My tears stopped dead in their tracks and my fist squeezed the handle of the paintbrush. I could feel the anger pulse through my veins. Hatred started my drive to paint my room faster.
Then, as I was painting in a flurry, his voice came to me...
The Best Friend I Want As My Boyfriend
Peace- I closed my eyes and felt at peace with myself. My painting slowed taking me to the middle of the first wall. I was now relieved that I got to hear his smooth voice, feel his reassurance.
ASB Boy...my best friend, my new crush.
He’s shorter then Angel R. (5ft, 8in) and he’s a tone darker. His eyes are lighter then Angel R’s and he’s really skinny (that’s kind of obvious though because he’s in Cross Country and Track and Field.) His hair is sort of normal (hard to describe even though I’ve seen it so many times. It sort of messy, tousled, maybe that’s how he wakes up in the morning. I’ve got no clue.) I know one thing though, I can recognize his voice anywhere and especially what he brings to school. It’s usually a green and black Nike sports bag (sort of old though, as if someone else used it before him) his regular black Jansport bag pack and his left arm holding a few books. Oh, I forgot to mention his skateboard which he carries around on his other arm.
Anyway, even if high school had separated Angel R and me it brought me and ASB Boy close.
When I was in ASB as a freshman, I was in it friendless for about half of first semester. By the second half, people started to talk to me and he had started it some time in first semester. He wasn’t always in it, he started though, out of curiosity to see if he’d want to do this for the rest of the year that he did.
When I met him as a freshman, I blushed...hey, what could I say? I thought he was cute! Besides, I always blush when I meet a guy (force of habit.) It’s not like he was bad looking though, he was in ASB, Cross Country and Track and Field. Plus, he had classes for smart people like Geometry (Geo), Biology (Bio), World History, a class that is usually for sophomores (WH) and Language Arts Honors 1.
It was weird for me knowing him because he asked me for help in WH a lot. The weird part is that I asked him to help me in Geo.
I remember now, in WH, we sat in the back, almost right next to each other. One day, we had to do a project for that class which included a picture and summary of eight inventions from the Industrial Revolution. We were told that we could share books since not everyone had them. As soon as we got our piece of white construction paper, we were off.
ASB Boy immediately moved next to me without me noticing. You see, I was getting my WH book out and he was moving both quickly and quietly. When I finally put it on my desk with my pencil and eraser, he was there. I didn’t see him so I half-jumped out of my seat when he spoke.
“Whoa, didn’t see you there.”
“Can you help me?”
“It’s easy; just paraphrase what the book says.”
“Well, can I borrow your book?”
“Sure, I was going to draw first anyway.”
I handed him the book and told him the pages he should use. Meanwhile, I tried to draw some inventions. We were great at working together because we almost never talked. Almost.
“Um...where do I find [some invention]?”
“It should be right there,” I mumbled as I took the book from him and pushed my horrible drawing in front of him.
“Wow, it’s uneven.”
“This side of the drawing, it’s uneven.”
“Oh,” I replied as I looked for the invention he asked me about.
He took his pencil and started marking the drawing. I glared at him.
â€˜What are you doing?”
“Finding the midpoint of the line.”
“So that it’s even.”
I sighed that he was ridiculing my drawing, and then sighed even more when he did the unthinkable.
“Why are you using Geometry in World History?”
“I’m just trying to help you,” he brought the drawing to be in front of both of us and continued “you see, if you use the compass” he had a compass out “and put it at the end of the line and make an arch then do the same to the other side, the place where the archs intersect is the midpoint of the line.”
Whoa, I thought, this guy knows Geo!
He looked at me while I was trying to remember what he did for Geo and he furrowed his brows. “Aren’t you in Geometry?”
I snapped out of it. “Yeah.”
He was confused because I was confused “Did you learn about midpoints?”
“Yeah but I’m not that good at Geometry. My teacher doesn’t teach it right.”
His eyebrows relaxed. I showed him where the info for the invention was and thanked him for the help on the drawing. He smiled in return.
I shook my head trying to forget. I didn’t want to think about him but I still wanted to remember him. Sometimes, he brings me the brightness of a day but when he’s gone, I feel a black hole rip through me.
I would never forget that month. Angel R. subtly rejected me; I had become numb to emotional pain the rest of the week.
Spring Break sent me home to mope around my house. I tried to distract myself by cleaning my house, doing anything but nothing helped.
After the longest week of my life, I went to ASB to finish the extra class I put on myself. That morning was one after second semester started meaning I had a new schedule (first period Geo was switched with first period P.E.) Since I no longer had that class first, I could do announcements.
As soon as the advisor asked, I volunteered but I couldn’t go until a guy agreed to go with me. I turned to ask these dudes if they would agree but they refused because of shyness. I asked a guy that was great as announcements and he would’ve gone but he had already gone so he had to wait.
That left no one. and then, POOF! In came my sun, ASB Boy had arrived (ten minutes late but still) and agreed to go.
“(ASB Boy) will you do the announcements with Jane?” the advisor asked.
“With Jane? She’s never done them before.”
“Yeah, I’ll teach her and then she’ll be real good cause I taught her.”
“Don’t get too overconfident,” the advisor warned.
He was. Way over confident.
We were dismissed from ASB. I went to hang out with my friends, he stayed near the office. The bell rang and I didn’t get there early, I was one minute late. (He didn’t let me forget that I was one minute late for the rest of the year.)
He had to show me the basics and I was a quick learner; so quick, I made him look inexperienced. I fluently read the Pledge of Allegiance, he stuttered reading everything else.
When we finished, I grabbed my stuff and headed the way I thought was a shortcut to get to P.E.
“Where are you going?” he asked as I was going the opposite direction of him.
I stopped dead in my tracks and turned to face him. “Um...first period?” I said even though it was as if I asked him if that’s where I was going.
“Where’s that at?”
“P.E. with my P.E. teacher?” I said a little sarcastically towards the end.
“Locker rooms, right?” His voice caught me off guard; I’d never heard it much before.
“What? Oh...yeah. I’m going to the locker rooms.” I replied as soon as I got over his voice.
“Why don’t you walk this way? I mean. If you want...I’m not trying to force you to do anything you don’t want to do...I mean when you think about it, if you go that way it’s the same if you go this way so...” he stopped. I was stunned. He seemed shy talking to me. Me! The plain one!
I went to his side willingly but with a weird feeling in my stomach. I ate so it wasn’t hunger, I wasn’t thirsty, not nausea wither but, it was something...it was butterflies. It was awkward because not only did I feel butterflies, I felt blood rush to my cheeks. I didn’t want to look at him while I was blushing; it would send the wrong message so I looked down. Then, I caught sight of his hand and saw it twitch to mine and then back. As I looked up to ask him about his hand, I saw he was looking right at me.
Wow, he’s cute. I thought at that moment.
After an immeasurable moment, (at least it was one to me) we headed to the “separation point.” Our “separating point.” It was the place where we stopped at and went to our classes. (I complimented his classes meaning I had the same ones but at different times. He was an athlete so no sixth period Bio for him...) On the way there, we’d talk about anything, no matter how trivial. On that first day, he asked me something no guy ever asked me before.
“Do you wear skirts?”
“I used to.”
“Why don’t you wear them now?”
“It’s cold.” At least it was for me.
“Wow, you must be the only girl that doesn’t wear skirts or skinny jeans.”
“Thanks, I think.”
We reached our separating point. The thing is though that usually, I would like to get away from ASB and have normal classes. (Somewhat normal.) But, talking to him, I didn’t want to leave him, I wanted to stay and talk.
“So, I should be going to first period, I mean I’m already late as it is, don’t want to go for truant you know.”
“You’re sort of funny.” He smiled at me.
“I’m no comedian but it’ll do.”
“Well, see you in Geometry.”
“Don’t forget History.”
That’s basically it, my life story. I am in love with my best friend but my crush from last year is interested in me and I am too... Angel R keeps staring at me and his eyes fill me with guilt but with ASB Boy, I feel...relaxed, happy...in love.
Good Times (The ones that seem so far away.)
Thinking - ASB boy and Angel R. These are the boys I can’t stop thinking about, the boys I like but which is the one I should be with? I can’t think, I can’t stop and analyze the situation, my head just hurts too much.
I looked up, two of my walls are painted but I barely noticed that I even started the second wall. The color stood out of from the trapped white. Change is good; that’s what my mom always says but what if you can’t? What if you don’t want to change? It’s scary you know, trying to transition to something new mainly because you don’t really know what to expect. Like right now, I mean what if I’m only meant to be a sister figure like what everyone of my friends tell me. What if I was never meant to be loved as a girl, as something more than a sister? What if I’m meant to be alone and to die alone on my deathbed, clawing for a better life until the minute I die?
I shook my head. Okay, got to stop thinking about change, Got to stop thinking about them and what might be the result of my life. I stopped. I held the paintbrush at my side and I heard it drip a drop of paint. I looked down and saw a stain on my shoes. Great those were my new shoes; by the time I get to clean them, the paint will PERMANATELY stain my shoe. Ugh! My mom’s not going to kill me, the person that gave them to me will. It was-oh, I was about to say his real name. ASB boy...he gave me these shoes for Christmas. He said that he wanted me to have some style on my feet like him.
It was last Christmas... Secret Santa Project. That’s why he gave me shoes. Everyone in ASB that year participated in that meaning that the name you drew from the hat, you HAD to give them a present (even if you totally didn’t know them or like them.) I got a not-so-close friend and he got me...
Those days, he never asked me my shoe size. He asked my friends for them, they got the info for him and he bought the shoes and gave them to me. I remember how he gave me my shoes. Everyone gave the present to the other person indifferently but he didn’t give it to me until the very end of zero period:
“Hey (ASB boy)”
“So...did they give you your present for that Secret Santa thing?”
“No! I’m sort of mad and two people aren’t here so it might be one of them but I’m not sure.”
“What would you say if I knew who was supposed to get you the present?”
“I’d tell you to tell them to give me my present...Sorry, I’m just a little pissed.”
“You know what would make you feel better?”
“The present from you Secret Santa.” As he said that, ASB boy pulled out the shoe box covered in wrapping paper.
Trouble Double = Double Trouble (aka My Life Right Now)
Thinking Harder- How is there even a fight? It should be ASB boy that I choose; it’s like we were meant to be together. Oh, yeah...Friday.
I was walking down the halls of my high school to get to my Algebra 2 class (guess who helped me with Geo.) I was walking along the hall I called â€˜unbearable.’ Guess why? Angel R. and his...girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend actually. (She broke his heart but more on that later.)
When I found out about her, I went numb to anything around me. I didn’t feel warm or cold, I didn’t know right from wrong and change was something that avoided me completely.
Anyway, I was walking with a friend (why would I go to â€˜heartbreak hall’ alone? [heartbreak hall, hmm, I think unbearable just got replaced]) and I saw him. There he was alone and back to normal. When he was with his girlfriend, he looked like a very different person, more arrogant in a way. But that day, I saw him standing in front of class that might’ve been his (I tried to avoid him as much as possible.)
I didn’t want to stare at him so I looked away and started to talk to my friend. I tried to look in her direction until I felt it. His hand was on my shoulder, gentle. Blood rose to my cheeks and I didn’t want to turn. I knew what pain and heartbreak I would have to face multiplied by 2 if I turned yet, in spite of that, I did.
I looked into his eyes; pain relieved and serious. I could only imagine I was staring at him like an idiot. I tried to keep walking but I felt his hand on my shoulder tense when I moved. I looked back at him again and soon regretted it.
His eyes hypnotized me. I stayed where I was and waited there for him to speak. (I was so hypnotized I might’ve waited eternity for him to talk.)
I didn’t though, I barely had to wait a second until a heard the voice I’d only heard a few other times.
“I need to talk to you,” he said softly.
“What about?” I tried to organize my thought but his damn eyes!
“Well, I’m curious about you.”
I blushed and butterflies surrounded my stomach.
“What do you mean?” It was a stupid question, I knew what he meant but I just couldn’t mouth any other words...
“I sort of want to go out with you.”
“Um, I think I was drifting into space, what did you say?”
He sighed. “I said will you go out with me?”
“Uh...” say no, say no!
“I’ll get back to you?” Crap! I can’t believe...me!
He looked at me confused and kept talking.
“You told me that you liked me a long time ago.” It wasn’t a question, it was a fact.
“You told me you wanted to start fresh.” Another fact. I nodded again.
“So what’s different?”
I looked down. I couldn’t believe he didn’t factor in his girlfriend. She was number one on the list.
“Your girlfriend,” I whispered.
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he answered.
I looked up at him. What kind of idiot did he take me for?
“People told me you have a girlfriend, I’ve seen her with you so don’t try to act stupid.”
I was dead serious, I couldn’t let him play around with my emotions like he did before without me knowing it.
“Oh, she broke up with me.”
“Oh.” That was all that came out.
“Don’t you want to know why?”
I shook my head. I had to get out of here before he drove me insane.
“Well, I’ll tell you anyway. She broke up with me for two major reasons, she said. One because of you and two because she started to like another guy more than me.”
I froze. I didn’t know what to truly feel. On one hand, I feel like sending the girl a present and throwing her and the other guy a party for their relationship but...on the other hand I felt bad for Angel R, sure, he didn’t like me but he did like her, I could see it. The way he held her close, the way she could easily make him smile...Okay, got to stop thinking.
Wait. But he said I was a reason for their break-up. How?
“How was it my fault that you guys broke up?” I finally managed to ask.
He smile hoping I would bring that up, I’ll bet.
“I told you, you got me curious.”
“How did she know about...me?”
“I told her about you.”
Blood rushed through my veins in a pulse of anger not love.
“What did you tell her about me?” I asked through gritted teeth.
“About your whole crush thing on me.”
HOW DARE HE?
“WHY?” I almost yelled.
“Because, I had to explain how I knew you.”
“Why didn’t you tell her some other story?”
“I couldn’t think of any at the moment. Later on, I remembered how I met you in eighth grade besides, if I told her I would need to think, she would’ve been thinking I was going out with you.”
“Yet you get curious about me and ask me out after she broke up with you.”
He chuckled and probably purposely flashed the smile he knew I couldn’t resist.
“Whatever,” He answered still chuckling.
“Wait. Why would you need to explain that you knew me?”
He smiled expectantly again.
“Because whenever I saw you pass by, I would always stare at you until you vanished into a hall.”
“Is that why she would hug you when she saw me?” I choked out. I remember a friend telling me that. It was back before ASB Boy became such a big part of my life.
“...” I couldn’t speak. She was jealous of me because her boyfriend kept looking at me? Totally didn’t see that coming.
“So, she would talk to the guy she dumped me for about it. That’s how they got so close.”
The pieces that I wasn’t able to put together finally fit.
“See? It worked out. She’s with someone else leaving me open...” he stopped knowing I could figure out the rest.
“I can’t be with you Angel. “ I looked around me and barely realized that my friend was long gone.
And then, my sun shone through the clouds. ASB Boy came in right on cue with a track shirt on and headed towards me. I smiled at him as soon as I saw him, grateful for his appearance. I think I heard Angel R muttered something under his breath unintelligible.
“Hey Jane, what’s going on?” ASB Boy asked.
“Nothing,” I quickly replied.
“Who’s this?” ASB Boy gestured towards Angel R.
“No one,” I replied.
“Actually, I’m Angel. I hope your not mad track star, but I just asked Jane here out on a date.”
ASB Boy flickered his eyes between both of us and then looked at me.
“What did you say?” ASB Boy asked.
“She told me that she would get back to me.” Angel R smiled slyly after he interrupted my answer.
ASB Boy looked at me with wary eyes and I felt tears, along with anger, rush to my face. Angel R just hurt ASB Boy, my best friend, my sun, my safety...my everything.
I looked at ASB Boy and saw that he was thinking the same thing about me. Was I really showing pain?
“HOW DARE YOU?” I yelled through gritted teeth. Angel R turned to me.
“How dare I what?” he answered calmly.
“HOW DARE YOU LIE?” I responded.
“You said it. You could’ve said no.” His expression was calm, serene; it made me sick to my stomach.
“Um...guys, the bells going to ring in a minute,” ASB Boy interrupted.
I turned and exchanged a grateful smile with ASB Boy; he always had an uncanny sense of timing.
“Gotta go.” I was now relaxed. Angel R stiffened up.
I was heading towards my first class until I heard the voice that was killing me inside.
“See you at lunch?” Angel R asked.
I flipped him off.
I kept walking with ASB Boy and he took me in front of my first class. As I stood outside about to open the door he hugged me.
He’d hugged me before but this one was different. It didn’t feel like a friend’s hug. It didn’t even feel like a hug you gave a friend who was going to move; it was a hug of attachment, no, of attraction.
I’m not exactly a person that likes to hug people a lot and I usually struggle out of one but when he hugged me, I wanted to stay like that forever. But he separated himself too quickly and smiled at me.
“See you later,” ASB Boy told me.
Later on that day, I knew Angel R would be looking at me. I knew exactly where he would look for me. Actually, I almost knew he would wait for me to get to classrooms near the grass; a private place where no one really stays. I was certain of this so I went somewhere else.
When the bell rang that dismissed us for lunch, I walked with only one destination in mind; ASB Boy’s class. I was lucky because of a couple of reasons one, his class was near mine and two, he was always the last one out, plus, no event or selling for him that day so he had to be there.
“[ASB Boy], wait up!”
He turned and smiled when he saw it was me.
“Hey Jane. Why aren’t you hanging out with your friends?”
I grimaced. He immediately understood.
“Oh,” he flexed his fingers and continued “him.”
“Can I hang out with you today?” I asked quickly trying to change the subject.
His shoulders relaxed.
“Yeah, I was going to look for you anyway.”
I didn’t ask, I just walked with him to a lunch line.
We had a conversation as usual, he got me laughing as soon as we started walking and I got him cracking up before we even saw the lines.
Then, BOOM! The explosion that destroyed my ability to think clearly.
Funny how in two short seconds, something changes. In the two seconds after an A-Bomb hits the ground, everything evaporates. In two seconds, a person suffering from cancer can be peacefully dead. Like now, how in just two seconds, a comfortable friendship could turn into an awkward-feeling phase of stress.
“Jane, you know we’ve been friends for a while and as we knew each other more and more, I started to like you more than just a friend. You’re just so...amazing; I feel like myself when I’m near you. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you...” he stopped. I felt nothing, I didn’t know what to feel but something about my expression was enough to see for him to continue. “I want to be with you, not just for high school but forever.”
I was crying in front of him. He saw me cry only once before but I never wanted to tell him the reason why. (You could probably guess what pair was behind that.)
He stiffened. I wanted him to put his arm around me and whisper in my ear softly It’s okay.
But he didn’t. I heard him sigh and muttered something under his breath.
“Is this because of him?” ASB Boy asked sullenly.
I sobbed louder and he took that as a yes.
He put his arm around my back awkwardly and muttered, “What do you see in him anyway?”
“He’s...he was the first guy that was nice to me,” I choked out.
“What?” he asked like a child listening to an unheard-of fairytale.
I dried my tears with the back of my hand and took in a few deep breaths to help calm me down.
“Before, before everything, before you no guy would even look at me without telling me something insulting. That’s why I was a loner, that’s why I don’t like being alone. I don’t want to feel like that...again.” I sighed and told him the whole story of Angel R and how he went from an angel to a downright b***h.
I told him how despite everything he’s put me through, how he still holds something in him that pulls me close to him. I told him EVERYTHING.
ASB Boy waited patiently and never commented negatively. When I was done, he gave me that hug I wanted.
“I don’t want to pressure you or anything but think it over. I’m not going to hold it against you if you choose the other guy.” He hugged me closer and then whispered in my ear “It’s okay Jane. Everything’s okay.”
Duhhh! The Answer Was Right There!
Answer- I can’t believe I was so blind! Of course, it’s so obvious! I love Angel R. HOWEVER, I love