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EC+AM=4ever Chapter 34
June 23, 2009
"What's the matter with you?" I demanded right when Ash opened up his front door. I was holding the letter from Father Mulligan in front of his face.
He snatched it out of my hand and read it over. "What were you doing going through my mail?" he returned, outraged.
"I asked you first." I remarked, not wanting to be proven guilty of snooping. He looked away from me, unable to meet my gaze. "Answer me!" I shouted.
"I'm sorry, I just hoped that..." He shook his head, sighing heavily. "I'm sorry. I should have told you that I was still meeting with Father Mulligan."
"Yeah, no kidding," I remarked. "But why? We aren't getting married, Ash."
"I just thought that maybe, you would come around. I just couldn't let it all slip away so easily. I just hoped that we could fix things."
"Well you aren't off to a very good start. It doesn't help to go behind my back and make preparations for a wedding that I already canceled."
"Ok, fine, I was wrong. But I still want to know why you were going through my mail." He crossed his arms, his eyes hard and demanding.
"Well your mailbox was open, so I walked over to close it. I saw the envelope and I just grabbed it without thinking."
"So in other words, you were snooping." he clarified.
"I guess you could put it that way." I muttered.
"Well then I guess that evens it out. I went behind your back and you went through my mailbox."
I shook my head, "Ash, this isn't going to work. How are we supposed to be together when we can't even be honest with each other?"
He bit his lip, analyzing what I'd just said. "I don't know, ok? Maybe you're right, maybe we should just break up. Because it's pretty obvious that that's the only thing that's going to make you happy." he snapped.
I felt the tension rising between us, and kept my mouth shut, not wanting to make Ash any angrier. Then I remembered what Cole told me the other day. I had to make a choice. And I knew who I was going to choose now.
"Cole's leaving in a week." I stated. "So I have to make a choice." Ash stayed silent, looking up at me with an unreadable expression on his face. "I choose Cole."
His lower lip quivered and he trembled a bit. "No," he choked out.
"You even agreed that things weren't working between us, so I choose Cole. I just want a fresh start and with Cole, that's what I'll get."
"Why can't you and I just start over? Why can't we have a fresh start?" he plead.
"We've already been through too much to forget about. We can't pretend like nothing happened between us. Face it Ash, we took things too quick. And now there's damage beyond repair. I think I'd be happier with Cole."
I knew that my last words are what hurt him the most, but I needed him to know that we were truly over. No more second chances, no more forgiveness. I was done with that. And it would be much easier to end things now than it would to end things later, when we got even deeper into our relationship.
"We've done this before, Evalynne. We've said that things were over before, but we always end up back together. Doesn't that mean anything to you? We were meant to be together!" he cried.
I shook my head, unable to look him in the eye. I had to leave. I just had to turn around and walk away from him. But there was something inside of me that was stopping me. There was something holding me back.
"I know what you did to our tree." he murmured softly.
At first I didn't know what he was talking about, but then I remembered that day when I scraped away the carving. It was the same day as the car accident. The same day I tried to kill myself. And all because of Ash.
That's when I realized that Cole was right. Ash really did have me wrapped around his finger. Every move I made was revolved around him. And whenever I did something wrong or something to upset him, I ended up feeling bad and going back to him. My entire life was set around Ash.
The thought of this made me angry. I didn't want to be some clingy girlfriend, whose main priority was her boyfriend. I've lost so much because of Ash, sacrificed so much just for him. Everything that ever meant anything to me was now gone. And I would never be able to have it back.
So I snapped. "Ash, for as long as we've been together, I've been absolutely miserable. And I'm not going to drop anything else for you! Because of you, I lost Kristy, I lost my self-control, I lost my dignity, I lost my self-respect. I'm not even myself anymore. And yes, I did scrape away the carving on our tree. But do you know why?"
When he didn't answer me, I continued. "I did it because it didn't mean anything to me anymore! I knew that we weren't going to be together forever. And I knew that EC+AM=4ever was just something that you used for your own self-confidence. Because deep down, you knew that we wouldn't last. And I've had enough. I'm not going to keep pretending that we're this perfect couple when we're not."
"But we could be." he whispered. "Everyone I've ever loved has left me. I don't want you to do the same thing."
"I'm not your counselor, I'm not your psychiatrist. So I don't have to help you sort out all of your issues." I said, repeating what Cole had told me before. I knew it was harsh, but if I was sweet and subtle about this, he would never know how raged I really was. "You keep on saying stuff like this to make me feel bad for you, but it's not going to work this time. You've got me wrapped around your finger and I'm tired of it."
"Evalynne, you have me wrapped around your finger!" he cried. "You're the one who keeps breaking up with me and then getting back together with me! You're the one who keeps playing with my emotions! You're the one who keeps hurting me."
It was ironic really. All this time I'd thought that Ash was all high and mighty, having this power over me. But Ash felt the exact same way about me. That didn't change anything though. I was still going to break up with him.
"Well I'm sorry that you feel that way, but you're not the only one. I've been feeling the exact same way, so don't be feeling all sorry for yourself."
"I never said that I felt sorry for myself. I've done that before and I know that it doesn't help. In fact, it just makes things ten times worse. Believe me, I know that."
"Yeah, so do I. And I also know how bad it feels when someone makes you feel sorry for them. Which is exactly what's been making me come back to you all this time."
He looked away from me, an ashamed expression on his face. He didn't say any more, so I didn't either. Instead, I turned on my heel and walked away.
When I arrived back at my own house, I grabbed my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Cole's number in.
"Hello," he picked up.
"I choose you." I said.
"Are you serious?" he cried, his voice filled with joy.
"Yep," I replied, hoping that this was the right decision. "I have to go now, but I just wanted to let you know that."
"Ok, I'll talk to you later?"
"Bye," Then I hung up.