Golgotha, chapter 1 The Gaurd | Teen Ink

Golgotha, chapter 1 The Gaurd

January 24, 2011
By _butters_ SILVER, Trinidad, Colorado
_butters_ SILVER, Trinidad, Colorado
6 articles 18 photos 27 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your life is an occassion, rise to it.
~Mr. Edward Magorium

Autumn Redmond. Female, five feet in height, weight of about 145 pounds, red-brown hair, blue eyes. She stared at the holographic index card in front of her glowing blue with small black type containing her personal information. It was the same thing every year, a count of the people, basic profiles to keep track of population growth, and contamination. Autumn always thought it was a more modern version of Caesar’s tax count during biblical times; the only difference was she only had to go to the town capital, not back to her birthplace. Ridged ears, no, where is the backspace? They don’t need to know that. You never see my ears anyway.
Ever since Parliament dethroned the King in 2076 nothing had been the same. The once peaceful European Union fell to the new version of England’s parliament. The government organization that took over so completely was known to the common people as The Guard, or as the Chairman likes to say, The Guardian Council of the People. The only thing left the same so far was the American continent, the Pacific Islands, and the southern part of Africa. Age? Did I mention my age? Quickly Autumn completed her card and handed it to the man behind the large desk. He took it with a grunt a sneer pulling at his lips. He was dressed in the same black uniform all members of The Guard wore and seemed to tower over her like a giant. But of course everyone was giant to Autumn. She glared back at him pure hatred seeming to ooze from her gaze before turning to go home.
They are such Neanderthals she thought as she walked home. Her home was a small family farm ten miles outside the small town of Callisto, she took the small road that led straight for the trees. Callisto was a small settlement built on the remnants of St. Petersburg, Russia. Her family hadn’t always lived there though; they had been herded there ten years ago, like sheep. She had been eight when The Guard had moved them from their home in Austria. She remembered it like it was yesterday. A shiver ran down her spine as she tried to forget. She veered off the well-worn path to a smaller less noticeable one that led through the trees to a small glade. It wasn’t big enough to be a meadow, but it was open enough that a small beam of light shown through to her favorite spot under the old willow. She lay down in the soft grass and looked up at the clouds.

The willow’s branches creaked around her as a soft fall breeze blew through the air. It was August and the leaves were beginning to brown. Autumn closed her eyes and listened as the leaves danced in the wind. She took a deep breath and let herself relax sinking deeper into the grass. It seemed to rise to meet her body forming to each and every curve, hugging her gently. She took in the wonderful smells of the damp grass and ripe fruit. She was surprised anything had even grown back after the great war that had ravaged the whole continent practically barren. She closed her eyes tighter trying to block the images that now accosted her memory.
Bright flashes of lights, waves of heat rolling over her. “Mommy,” Autumn tried to call over the top of the explosions. “Autumn!” came a voice in reply but it wasn’t her mother. It was Ryan, her big brother. “Ryan!” she tripped and fell over something squishy and wet. When she looked back the face of a fallen soldier stared back at her, eyes alight with horror, blood running everywhere. He couldn’t have been much older than Ryan who was sixteen. Strong arms scooped her up, she was too scared to scream, too tired to care. “Don’t worry Autumn, everything will be ok.” She heard her brother promise, a small whisper in her ear.
She sat up and looked around her heart racing, tears rolling down her cheeks. She hadn’t seen Ryan in almost eight years. He had supposedly joined the rebellion, but it was rumored that The Guard had gotten hold of him. She looked around wiping her eyes. The sky above was red, kissed by tendrils of pink and orange clouds. She rubbed her eyes realizing she had fallen asleep and jumped to her feet running along a short cut that led straight through the fields. As she ran she heard gun shots nearby. Her heart stopped and then restarted as she pushed harder than ever to get home. She looked up and saw smoke coming from the direction of her house and the tears began to flow. She knew what she would find, no doubt in her mind, but still she hopped that mama had just left the stove running.
Autumn’s legs ached as she ran through the wheat but she couldn’t stop. It was almost as if the Neykri were chasing her, biting at her heels. As she reached the edge of the field her heart gave a strange, unpleasant lurch before sinking into her stomach. She wanted to be sick. Men in black unform stood infront of the house watching the flames consume it, one still holding the torch that lit it. Her eyes caught the sight of her parents lifeless in the dirt just feet from the house, one of the soldiers guns still smoking, no longer pointed in their direction. Her body screamed at her to run yet her head was screaming kill them! She knew she wouldn’t last more than a minute if she tried. One of the soldiers caught sight of her and they raised their weapons pointing them at her. She turned and ran back into the field just as a volley of bullets was sent her way. She cried out as hot lead pierced her shoulder with a searing pain. She stumbled into the forest branches slapping her face until she could run no more.
It was dark by the time she stopped. Thunder rippled through the air as she stumbled through the darkening forest. A crack of lightning appeared up ahead startling her. She was scared, alone, and lost. Tears ran down her face and were soon joined by the rain, masking her sorrow. She got up to find shelter just as thunder crashed again followed by more lighting, except this time it was closer and louder. She stumbled backwards still feeling the heat of the lightning bolt. A pair of large, strong arms wrapped around her. One pinned her arms to her side while the other held a knife to her throat. A yelp of pain escaped her as she flinched feeling the sharp cold steel barley slice her skin from her movement.
“Who are you?” A male voice growled in her ear. “Autumn,” she replied feebly. Just then it seemed as if all strength had left her body. She felt herself collapse and hit the ground. Her body went cold and the world grew dark. “It’s going to be ok Autumn,” echoed in her head just like the night Ryan had found her and a small smile pulled at her lips.

The author's comments:
This is something I have been working on for a while. It's still in the process of being written, and I would like all the feedback that I could get. It's really exciting me to see it sort of come together.

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This article has 4 comments.

on Feb. 25 2011 at 4:13 pm
Hazel-daisy GOLD, --, Other
19 articles 0 photos 324 comments

Favorite Quote:
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else - Erna Bombeck

In three words i can sum up everything I've learned in life: it goes on -Robert Frost

Live, Love, Laugh - ______

Hope, Love, breathe <3 - Me

i really like it. Although you kind of have to pay attention to what your reading for it to make sense, its an interesting idea and i think its writtin realyy well!! well done, great work!!

_Mags_ SILVER said...
on Feb. 16 2011 at 6:16 pm
_Mags_ SILVER, Somewhere, North Carolina
9 articles 7 photos 436 comments

Favorite Quote:
- I stare danger in the face and giggle
- Never argue with an idiot, people might not know the difference
-R.A.P (Retards Attempting Poetry)
-Tip Cologne ryhmes with alone

Sorry if this is mean but I never suggest starting off a story with a name, and by her name we can figure out that she is female. Just don't let your reader meet your character like that. Let them find your character themselves. Add descriptions like when her hair falls to her eyes and she sees those wispy auburn hairs fall over her face gracefully, making it hard to see. Another suggestion of mine is to add more descriptions, let the reader see what Autumn is seeing.

The story is good though, and those were just my opinions.

on Feb. 16 2011 at 5:40 pm
xx..PieIsAwkward..xx BRONZE, Godfrey, Illinois
4 articles 0 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
"stap it, rahn"


This is a really spectacularly amazing piece of work!

Kudos :P

on Feb. 16 2011 at 5:37 pm
CharlesDickens SILVER, Georgetown, Texas
8 articles 0 photos 82 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."

That... my dear friend, was the most amazing teen writing I have ever seen.  I am so friggin' jealous girl!  You are even more amazing than before!