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Me, My Brain, and I
Most people: I need to focus less on schoolwork so I can have more of a life!
Me: I need to have less of a life so I can focus more on schoolwork!
Brain: Then why the heck are you posting on Facebook when you have 700 words to cut out of your English final?
Me: Shut up brain, and do your job. You’re not my conscious.
Brain: Your conscious is on holiday. I’m filling in for him.
Me: What? Why is conscious so lazy? I can’t even remember the last time he came in to work!
Brain: Um…he never has.
Me: What? Then why does he even work here?
Brain: Apparently he filed to resign about 14 years ago, but you said no.
Me: Well, tell him he can leave now. I don’t want him.
Brain: We can’t really communicate with him anymore…he’s gone dormant
Me: WHY THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING TO ME ANYWAYS? DO YOUR JOB.
Brain: I AM doing my job. I’m supposed to take in and process all of the information. That’s what I’m doing.
Me: THEN WHY HAS MY HEART STOPPED BEATING??
Brain: Oops…give me a second.
Brain: Ok, there you go. You might be in a coma for a few days, though.
Me: I freaking hate you
Brain: I can leave if you want me to. I mean, you might be bumped down several IQ points, but if you really hate me…
Me: No, no, no. But you’re on probation. If you EVER neglect to tell my heart to beat again, I’m finding a replacement that won’t KILL ME.
Brain: Ok, ok, ok. Oh, guess what? I found this really cool song! I didn’t store any more than a couple lines of it though, so let me play them over and over and over and over again in your head!
Me: You know, maybe it would be worth the concussion to bang my head on the wall over there a few times
Brain: Mary had a little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, Mary had a little lamb…
Me: FINE. FINE. WILL YOU AT LEAST HELP ME DO MY MATH HOMEWORK?
Brain: Math? Sorry, I don’t like math.
Me: You know what, just factor the equation already.
Brain: Alright, fine. But I can only half-focus, because I want to keep singing this song.
Me: WHAT THE HECK? THAT NUMBER WAS 40, NOT 400. WHY DID YOU THINK IT WAS 400?
Brain: Oopsie! Sorry! Guess you’re just gonna fail the next test.
Me: If I fail algebra one more time, I SWEAR TO THE ALMIGHTY HEAVENS THAT I WILL LITERALLY DESTROY YOU
Brain: Oh, there’s something I forgot to tell you! I decided to randomly jack up your hormone levels for no apparent reason, so you might be feeling like you want to murder someone and sob your eyes out at the same time for the next few days.
Brain: Also, you’ll be wanting to eat a lot, but I’m going to lower your metabolism at the same time, so expect to gain about 5 pounds
Brain: Also, your jeans might be ruined for life
Brain: Why are you ripping up that piece of paper? And why are you kicking that desk? And…oh, heavens, you’ve gone mad!
Me: YOU ARE MY BRAIN. YOU ARE THE ONE THAT CONTROLS MY ACTIONS. WHY THE BLOODY FRICK ARE YOU MAKING THIS HAPPEN?
Brain: I don’t know. Geez. You act like that I actually know what on earth I’m doing.
Me: Wasn’t evolution supposed to take care of this problem???
Brain: Sufficient information not supplied.
Me: SUFFICIENT INFORMATION NOT SUPPLIED??
Brain: AHH! THERE’S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR! IT’S PROBABLY AN AXE MURDERER WHO WANTS TO TORTURE YOU TO DEATH! QUICK, RUN DIRECTLY TOWARDS IT COMPLETELY UNARMED SO THAT YOU CAN SEE WHAT IT IS!!!
Me:…You’re a bloody idiot.
Brain: Still…what if it IS an axe murderer? You’d better go check, just for the peace of mind.
Me: Fine, fine, fine. I- dude, there’s no one at the door!
Brain: Ok, fine. Go eat something now.
Brain: YAY!!! CAFFINE!!! GO GO GO NOW NOW NOW!!!!!
Me: NO. NO CAFFINE. IF YOU HAVE CAFFIENE YOU ARE GOING TO GO BLOODY INSANE, NOW HELP ME DO MY MATH HOMEWORK ALREADY!
Brain: Aww. Don’t you want to at least watch a new episode of that TV show you like first? I mean, you’ve got a good 7 hours before you need to go to bed.
Me: It’s only going to take like 15 minutes to do the homework. We can watch that later.
Brain: Aw, please?
Me: You were just telling me that I needed to focus more on schoolwork! What the heck?
Brain: FINE. Go do your stupid math! See if I help!
Me: You HAVE to help. How on earth do you expect me to even see what the problem is if you’re not helping?
Brain: NOPE, SORRY.
Me: Die, you imbecile.
Brain: Hey! Imbecile? Who do you think is responsible for all those A’s you’re getting?
Me: Yeah, and who do you think was responsible for all those F’s I got last year?
Brain: That wasn’t my fault. I helped you learn ALL the material. You’re the one who didn’t turn in the homework.
Me: Helped me learn all the material? Are you kidding me? What sort of explanation do you offer for the F in math?
Brain: Oh, but math is so hard. I like history and English and science and debate better!
Me: I understand that you don’t like math, but it would have been really helpful if you would actually have taken the time to understand it just a little bit. I KNOW you can. I know you could have at LEAST scraped a D or heck, even a C in that class if you wanted to.
Brain: You know what would be a good idea? Food!
Me: WE ARE DISCUSSING SOMETHING. DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
Brain: Go do your English homework!
Me: FINE. I HATE YOU ANYWAYS.
Brain: Oh, that’s just the hormones talking!
Me: I cannot even describe in words just how bloody furious I am with you right now
Brain: You just did
Me: There’s a hammer in the garage, you know. And you are very susceptible to heavy objects.
Brain: Have fun dealing with THAT headache!
Me: You know what? Just shut up. Shut up! I do not want to hear you again for the next few hours. Now. I am going to go write something. That will help me to vent out my feelings. And when I am finished, I expect you to make some bloody sense, do you hear me?
Brain: Okey-doke. Have fun. But just remember that anything you write is going to suck. I don’t even know why you bother, you’re so inexperienced and stupid and ignorant.
Me: I…you....knife…GAH. FINE. YOU’RE RIGHT. I SUCK. BUT I CAN BLOODY TRY ANYWAYS.
Brain: Go have fun!
Me: Good-bye. I’ll call on you again in a few hours; for now, I seriously just need a break.
Brain: Then sleep!
Me: I WILL. JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE.
Brain: Ok, ok, ok, ok. Bye.