Derelict; Introduction Revised | Teen Ink

Derelict; Introduction Revised

February 19, 2014
By Kestrel135 PLATINUM, Waterford, Connecticut
Kestrel135 PLATINUM, Waterford, Connecticut
43 articles 0 photos 256 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Respect existence or expect resistance"


Someone is exactly who I am.

Living the life of the ordinary, stalking the fields of past and future with a plain mind, normal, average. I have the typical parents, if not a little eccentric, the typical friends, with their own twists, the typical world, orbiting around a lonely star cast out into the emptiness of space. Nothing truly unusual about it. I exploit the reigning skies of my future with an open mind, hoping that the universe doesn’t implode on itself, that the government can hold itself up with the same ease it has for the past two decades for just a little longer. That everything will maintain a general calm throughout my life. Nothing particularly dangerous. Nothing truly shocking. Walking the streets among an endless torrent of other someones, other people leading a life shared by many, I look onwards and embrace a similar fate. An ordinary life, with ordinary days and ordinary lives. With people so very much like myself; known by those who bother to, but hidden to most who care little to look. But once known, they won’t forget me, because in this vast, heartless universe, life isn’t ordinary, and I’m not just any someone. Not all the time.

I’m not no one, either, but all that means is that I can be, as soon as the opportune moment drops into view. All it means is I have settled myself in a dedication where I have the mind to set change onto this world, onto my very own soul; yet silent, unnoticed, a no one who suddenly became someone. A graceful volunteer who put their foot forward for someone else, but was never ready to take that step. It means that in the endless fields of existence, I can lower my gaze to the sparkling grasses of my fate, my life, knowing that whatever happens, I will survive. It means, that in the darkened shadows of the future, I won’t let that clawing darkness consume me. In the end, I will not be shallow.

It means that I will always remember. I will always stare into the golden blaze of the future and reconcile my past, taking it with me to decide my outcome; what I am, what I can be, and who I am meant to be. My worst enemy is fate, and it’s hand tugs at the strings of my life. Even as I stalk the realm of time as a person of ordinariness, that doesn’t mean that I have to constantly be normal. In fact, it means anything but.

Fate is coming for me. Darting ahead into the future without the slightest tip of its head turning back to look into the glowering eyes of past. No matter the time, no matter the business, it will always toy with my life, lifting the ends of my strings and forcing me into a new act. Perhaps the act of the average someone; or, perhaps, the act of the hidden no one.

But whatever the act, when it arrives, something bigger will be held in its arms. Something worse. Something terrible. And fate, again, will be the one holding in a single palm the strings of that monstrosity; in the other, the world dangling on a thread. On a single, vital moment, where as the world is about to lose everything, someone will emerge who knows there is nothing to lose. Nothing that we aren’t willing to fight for. Nothing that we won’t allow, instead stepping up as the graceful volunteer, to be strung into fate as a delicate new act; only to plunder the stage.

When it comes, I won’t be just any average someone. Not just the person of ordinariness that I am forced to act out as the time inches onwards into the arms of a fate whom casts it’s glare forward, never looking back, never wavering from what it thinks must be done. When it comes, I will open my eyes to see a new light; the light that fate always insists to shed on me. The light of darkness. When it comes, my life as I knew it, will disintegrate into nothing but a flickering image of the past. An endless history that fate never glances back at, only casting a single wink for a final goodbye, forgetting the very core of its own life. It should have looked back, just a second more. It may have learned. It may have lived longer than it insisted, rather than denying the success of past and letting itself crumble; it might have shown more courage if it had. But no matter all the chances it was given to alter the course of its own existence, one thing is for certain. One, single, raging truth burning its way into my soul, never wavering, never faltering, and always looking back.
Because when it comes, I will fight with my life.


The author's comments:
I have already published the unedited version of this online, so if anyone wants to compare the two and tell me what they liked and don't like on my editing, please do! The book is also posted, but is still in its early stages. Please enjoy!

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This article has 5 comments.


on Aug. 18 2014 at 9:04 am
Kestrel135 PLATINUM, Waterford, Connecticut
43 articles 0 photos 256 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Respect existence or expect resistance"

Thank you so much! I really appreciate the critism - this is exactly the sort of thing I need to be told to fix this up and make it a better read. I will definitely take your critiques back with me when editing! The story that follows this prologue has been put on the backburner for now, but I'm slowly closing the loopholes in the plotline and may rewrite it sometime. Your comments here really help, and are probably applicable to other articles I have written. When writing in the future I'll be sure to keep these critiques in mind! Thank you so much for your help!

Longlegs GOLD said...
on Aug. 17 2014 at 9:50 am
Longlegs GOLD, Greeneville, Tennessee
16 articles 0 photos 84 comments
This is incredible! Amazing! As someone had said on your poem "Torrent", your style of writing is extremely rare. It is extremely creative. I love your unique way of using unique words in unique circumstances ;). The figurative language is just flattering. You left me speechless.                                                                                                            Dare I suggest some ways you can possibly make it better?                                                                                    1) "Someone is exactly who I am." It is a pretty good beginning, considering how some people begin their stories. But it isn't as grabbing as it could be. It did not wake me up as if out of a dream. I had to reread that first sentence and then go on to the next paragraph before I really "got" into your story. Maybe you could change the first sentence to something more obvious, like "I am a someone." It will be more straight-forward that way.                                                                                          2) The sentences in the first paragraph are all long. I suggest you break them up and add more sentence variety, as not to bore the reader.           3) Sentence number two (I have the typical parents....) is difficult to follow along with. You can make it easier for the reader by adding semi-colons like this: "I have the typical parents, if not a little eccentric; the typical friends, with their own twists; the typical world, orbiting around a lonely star cast out into the emptiness of space." Otherwise, you will easily lose your reader with this one, LLLLLLOOOOOOOOONGGGGGGG sentence.                                                                                     4) Your first paragraph is about how average you are. At the end of the paragraph, you suddenly say that life isn't ordinary and you aren't just someone. Instead, I think you should finish the paragraph stiill thinking that you are still just a "someone." Then continue on to the next paragraph and smoothly introduce the idea that you are unique.                                                                                                                                                                                                   Does this make any sense? These are just some ways I think you can make your article better. Other than that.....I simply cannot praise it enough. It is simply magnificent.                                         

MegaSock GOLD said...
on Apr. 10 2014 at 9:18 pm
MegaSock GOLD, Beverly, New Jersey
13 articles 1 photo 33 comments

Favorite Quote:
Endeavor. There is nothing greater, and nothing more dangerous, nothing safer, and nothing lesser than taking a step out the door, to endeavor.

You're quite welcome :)  I'll have to read Sentinel when I get the chance.

on Apr. 10 2014 at 6:03 pm
Kestrel135 PLATINUM, Waterford, Connecticut
43 articles 0 photos 256 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Respect existence or expect resistance"

Thank you! The feedback was very helpful, and your suggestion for applying the normal family/friends scenerio again later is quite tempting... I'm glad you like this, and truly appreciate the constructive critism. Knowing what else I could do is a great, and I think I might use your idea. Thank you so much! 

MegaSock GOLD said...
on Apr. 9 2014 at 4:13 pm
MegaSock GOLD, Beverly, New Jersey
13 articles 1 photo 33 comments

Favorite Quote:
Endeavor. There is nothing greater, and nothing more dangerous, nothing safer, and nothing lesser than taking a step out the door, to endeavor.

[Saw the recommendation to read this one before sentinel]...[long review...] The concept in this is really awesome! I like to think that everybody is ordinary, and they don't truly realize it, but accept it as the norm. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's a great thing to see someone know that they must be different. It's (to me) inspirational that people won't succumb to the fate of normal people, leading the normal life, led by a struggling world/government that manages to keep upright. Despite the struggle, one will not be normal. One will fight to be something greater, and it has to be you, a person true of their purpose; a purpose to tempt fate to look back and reflect on its course, as you are doing. Constructive Crit: I do love the philosophical observations and introductions that you do. The open-minded adventure you put yourself in. What I think could add to it, is maybe a little guideline. You opened up with it, talking about your normal family, and normal world. Perhaps bring up the same subject a little later, and reflect how you intend to change it? You don't have to, I'm just putting in my opinion. It's hard to, though, your writing is very good :)