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I don’t know why I fell in love with you; all I know is that I did.
You know, it might have been the first time we met that did it. The way you just…sauntered up to me, without knowing who the hell I was, and started talking to me. You were so confident. Not even cocky, just like you had enough self confidence to carry you through any situation. And that’s why I spoke to you. I mean, with anyone else I might have offered a terse, uninterested response.
“What happened to your leg?” The first words I remember you ever saying to me. I think I was sitting on the floor when you asked me, because I remember looking up and squinting in the sunlight.
I looked you over real fast, too. I remember that. A quick once over you, before you noticed I was looking. And, let me tell you, I liked what I saw. And not even like “ooh, sexy/I want your body way” way. You had on that classic “I don’t care “ uniform on: the jeans, t-shirt and hoodie that all guys seem to live in. But you? You wore it different. You wore it better.
“Um…” Sitting there, trying to think of a witty response, I tapped the cast that had encased my right ankle. “I broke it trying to rescue a cat from a burning building. You didn’t see it on the evening news?” I asked, brushing my dark brown bangs out of my eyes, trying to block the sun and look cute at the same time.
You smiled at me, a wry, sarcastic smile and I knew, I just knew you weren’t leaving my life anytime soon.
And you didn’t. Even after we broke up the first time you WOULD. NOT. LEAVE. And, alright, I’ll be honest. There were times when all I wanted was for you to leave me alone and never talk to me again. But there were also the times that I didn’t think I could stand being out of your arms. Because man, your hugs were- still are- something else. I mean, you have that way of wrapping your arms so tightly around me that for a few seconds I don’t think I’ll ever be able to breathe again, but that’s okay, because being with you, surrounded by the warmth of your body, sometimes I don’t think I need to. You actually make me above breathing. I could probably stand there, my head resting on your shoulder, hair blowing around your neck and ears, with you forever.
I mean, you’d think after a while, our fingers would get cramped from being intertwined so long, but no, they don’t. There’s no pain, only electricity. And after that long while of frozen stance, it’s almost like our fingers have just… merged. They combined into one, like, mondohand!
That mondohand is what got me. I do remember the exact moment I fell in love with you, though, moment by moment. It was a Thursday; I had just come from Woodshop, literally covered with sawdust. From the top of my head to my Pumas, I was a dusty mess. I was walking to lunch, past the art pieces by art students, and I happened to glance at a painting of a tree. For some reason, my thoughts drifted to you and I realized that the pounding of my heart, the tightness of my chest, the unsteadiness of my legs was all because of you, David. I realized that I was in love with you. I don’t remember the thoughts that led up to me realizing that, but I know I came to that conclusion somehow.
You had already told me that you loved me over the phone. When you told me last week, I literally had a mini stroke. Okay, maybe not a mini stroke, but I sucked in way too much air that was actually required, and did nearly choke. I think I almost gave you a heart attack, though. You were FREAKING OUT.
“Are you alright? Are you okay?” I’ll find the defibrillator, and YOU call for help!
I’m sure Mrs. Yeux never thought that her first aid training would come in handy for over-the-phone emergencies, huh? I mean, I just didn’t know what to say when you said that. I guess I could have come up with a better reaction than coughing and stuttering, but you know me. Pressure does not work well with my system. I mean you have to understand, okay? WE. WEREN’T. DATING. Okay? When you told me you loved me, we had been broken up for at least a month.
So it’s understandable that I didn’t see it coming. At 11:45 on a Sunday night, that was the last think I expected to hear.
And- while we’re on the time topic- why would you pick that moment to tell me? We’d been on the phone for at least an hour and a half already, so why spring it on me then? You have terrible timing. We both do, actually. Maybe that’s why we work so well as a couple.
Because we do work well. Whether we’re dating or not, there’s obviously something between us. It was just so easy to slip from being friends to dating to back again. If there wasn’t some sort of chemistry between us, I doubt we would have been able to do that.
You’re my best friend before anything, I’ve told you that a million times, because its true. I can tell you anything, and I want to tell you everything. You’re the first one I want to tell stuff too, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I told you I needed time, and trust me; I’ve been stalling all week. Heck, I’m even stalling now. I didn’t want to tell you on Sunday night, because you had just said it and I didn’t want you to be all “oh, she’ just saying it cause I said it first.”
Um, bzzzzzt. Wrong answer. The truth is, love scares me. It’s this journey that I’ve never been on before, and I had no idea what to expect or what was going on. It was so abrupt that I had no idea how to react.
I don’t want to use the old as time itself, cliché roller coaster comparison, but I think I’m going to have to. Like, maybe it’s like a rollercoaster you’ve been on before. You SHOULD know what to expect, but you’re still afraid- OH! Wait! I just came up with a new metaphor for falling in love.
Let’s say it’s like rereading a Stephen Kind book. You know everything that’s going to happen and when it’s going to happen, but every time someone is stabbed or a body hits the floor your heart starts pounding anyway. Just because you know what’s coming doesn’t take away the shock factor. It’s always going to be there, no matter how many times you read the books or watch the movies.
I’d fallen in love before, but I’d never said it out loud. So technically, you were my first love. And you probably shouldn’t have been, but what can you do?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And strangely, I’m okay with that. I usually hate being out of control, but with you, I don’t seem to mind. And maybe that’s a good thing, David. With you, I’m more than happy to let you take the reins every once in a while.
This entire letter was kind’ve pointless, but I did just want to get all my feelings out and let you know how I felt. I probably won’t end up giving it to you, but if I do, no laughing or making any sarcastic comments. Rule #1. Rule #2? Um, keep it forever.
You’re always going to be a part of my life, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Park City, Utah
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
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