Prose | Teen Ink


October 16, 2012
By RedheadAtHeart ELITE, Mountain Home, Idaho
RedheadAtHeart ELITE, Mountain Home, Idaho
109 articles 0 photos 164 comments

Favorite Quote:
Love with open hands. - Madeleine L'Engle

I’m lost.
I just love.
Maybe I should give up on this.
What’s in it for me?
How much do I care?
Is that what I’m worried about?
Personal gain?
Whatever he wants, I’ll do it.
(Some reasonable limits may apply.)
If he wants me to leave him completely alone,
or be his friend,
or be his girlfriend,

I’ll do whatever - I really will - I just want to find out what he’s about, what makes him tick, maybe a little bit about what it feels like to kiss him. It’s a whole big world out there and I’d love to share it with him. Is that what I mean by love? I got me a fearless heart - strong enough to get us through the scary part. It’s been broken many (okay, a couple) times before, but a fearless heart just comes back for more. He can have this heart to break if that’s what he wants to do with it. I would choose to be with him, but that’s if the choice were mine to make, and it isn’t. I just love. And I worry. And I am. I don’t need much from him, only that he is there. I don’t know if we could make it work, but it would kill me if we didn’t even try. One of the most special music makers I have ever had the privilege of singing with. I miss his smile and his eyes and the self-confident way he walks and I miss holding his hand when he danced and I miss the scent of his sweatshirt. I miss his handsome voice and how he’s always riding Corbett around the choir room and I miss his delighted dorky laugh when Mr. Stear says anything in a pop voice. I miss his handsome face, looking so tender and sensitive when he sings, even if he’s singing something completely ridiculous and not something tender or sensitive at all. I miss his shoulders looking so impressive and I miss the funny way he pulls at his hair and how he sings ridiculous country songs by snippets as he walks. I miss him and I don’t know if I’m even justified in it, but my days are so incredibly flat without him and just the thought of what he’s going through wrenches my heart. Whether or not he would appreciate how I feel I don’t know but my poor heart is feeling it anyway and I miss him.

The author's comments:
I wrote this while my crush/friend/homecoming date was out of school because he had to be hospitalized. At this point I wasn't sure whether or not we had a relationship going or if I had the "right" to worry about him like I was doing. I used a couple song lyrics that I am now going to thank Steve Earle ("Fearless Heart") and Billy Joel ("And So It Goes") for.

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This article has 3 comments.

Beila BRONZE said...
on Feb. 19 2015 at 5:53 am
Beila BRONZE, Palo Alto, California
3 articles 0 photos 516 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." -Mark Twain

By the way, I would be totally honored if you read "In Memory," a piece I wrote from a very different perspective but emotionally very similar. I'd love to know what you think!

Beila BRONZE said...
on Feb. 19 2015 at 5:51 am
Beila BRONZE, Palo Alto, California
3 articles 0 photos 516 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." -Mark Twain

Interesting comment. I was just about to say to the author: you hit the nail on the head. Missing people you maybe don't have the right to miss? It's messy, to say the least. That kind of emotion, no, it's not ready for publication to the outside world, and yes, it leaves you hopelessly and utterly confused. Sometimes, you feel it in complete sentences, and sometimes, there's nothing left but fragments, shards of broken stained glass art. My favorite sentence was about his handsome voice and dorky laugh. Can I ask... is he okay? To be 100% honest, I'm actually a little in love with him myself. Funny story: my father was shot about a month after he and my mom started going out, and a large part of their early relationship happened in the hospital, and he wasn't totally conscious for all of it. I think it's kind of cute to know that my mom stayed with him throughout... especially looking back on it five kids later. :)

on Nov. 24 2012 at 7:47 pm
Helena.of.Karatha DIAMOND, Saint Paul, Minnesota
79 articles 0 photos 21 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You're a great wizard, Harry."
"Not as good as you."
"Me?! Books! And cleverness! There are more important things, Harry--friendship, and bravery, and--oh, Harry, just be careful."

To be 100% honest, Brita, I'm not sure this was ready for publication to the outside world. I can tell it's a very emotional piece, but it confuses me how you sometimes use complete sentences and sometimes don't, and sometimes say things everyone can relate to and sometimes bring up things only a few people know about. And the beginning seems to be verse and then the rest is prose and . . . I'm confused. I do not want to in any way invalidate what you were feeling at the time becaue I realize it is very frightening to have someone you love in the hospital and also to not know how someone feels about you. Your feelings are entirely legitimate; my concern is just that they're not polished.