The Curse of Cleopatra | Teen Ink

The Curse of Cleopatra

January 23, 2011
By Pandora118 BRONZE, King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Pandora118 BRONZE, King Of Prussia, Pennsylvania
2 articles 0 photos 32 comments


Cleo and Mark are on an expedition to find lost Egyptian artifacts. Little do they know, they are about to discover something bigger than they could imagine. The tomb of Cleopatra. On the journey they also discover something about themselves. Something that will change their future together for good.

Jade L.

The Curse of Cleopatra

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This book has 4 comments.

on Jan. 29 2011 at 12:55 pm
Pandora118 BRONZE, King Of Prussia, Pennsylvania
2 articles 0 photos 32 comments
Thanks for your advice. I'll edit and add more chapters to it as soon as I can. Thanks a bunch.

on Jan. 28 2011 at 10:45 pm
lovelycheese GOLD, Cupertino, California
11 articles 0 photos 136 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you have something to do, then do it. You can't get wasted time back." ~Ben Carson.

Alright. Here it goes. 

Prologue should be spelled like this. I think that the prologue is giving away too much information. It can be used for a huge amount of foreshadowing (kinda like what I did mine:). As you mention Mark at the end of the prologue, we don't know who that is. So in the beginning, you could write: 'My ring on my finger, which had belonged to ____, I laid…' Yeah. I think you could put 'which had belong to my husband or boyfriend or whoever Mark is. The reader can infer that detail with the name Mark at the end of the prologue, that way we know who Mark is. (Sorry… I'm being a bit picky!) 

I'm not so familiar with all those Egyptian terms and names, but I trust you're an expert. 

Ahh. Okay. Sorry. In the beginning of chapter one you explained who Mark is. This is what I get for commenting as I read. 

Okay. Don't refer to the reader, unless you're writing a journal. A few grammar issues here and there. 

The chapters are too short, as said before. I mean, if you're pulling off a thriller like James Patterson, go ahead, but I view this as a novel with historical reference - kind of like Dan Brown writing. So I think the chapters should be longer and more detailed. 

Your sentence structure is a bit simple, and you could use more variety, like combining them with conjunctions. Another thing. 'I pulled my mask off and turned to Mark who had just gotten on deck…' That sentence. It shouldn't be a comma there; it should be a period. It's a sentence describing what the main character was doing and it's not a phrase. 'He pulled his mask off. "I was only playing with you. Besides, I found something."' That's another one. 

I was just skimming this, mostly picking out grammar mistakes. Your chapters can easily be combined into a single chapter. You could resort to putting scene breaks instead of whole chapter breaks (which is what I'm going to do with my novel:). 

For the whole part, I liked this novel. It isn't about the same old things we hear everyday: boys, parties, or flying unicorns. Historical significance is present in your novel, and I really like it. Mark seems like a really realistic person to me. This novel has a lot of potential, and if you keep submitting, I'll read it all gratefully. Keep writing! :D


on Jan. 28 2011 at 9:38 pm
Pandora118 BRONZE, King Of Prussia, Pennsylvania
2 articles 0 photos 32 comments
Thanks. I've always had trouble with the length of chapters. I always told myself I would get away with it by being like James Patterson who writes really short chapters.

on Jan. 28 2011 at 5:39 pm
Hazel-daisy GOLD, --, Other
19 articles 0 photos 324 comments

Favorite Quote:
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else - Erna Bombeck

In three words i can sum up everything I've learned in life: it goes on -Robert Frost

Live, Love, Laugh - ______

Hope, Love, breathe <3 - Me

i liked it but i'm a bit confused!! that might just be because i'm tired but yeah so overall i like it but i think you should make the chapters longer by either adding two chapters together or just adding more information. i know shorter chapters attract more people, well me at least, but i think the chapters are just too short but asides from that i think its a good story so well done!!