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One girl a million insecurities
Author's note: this was written out of anger,hurt, and improvement to myself as a person.
PERFACE: WHATS HAPPENING I’m so sick of everything! Nobody knows the pain I go through. Everybody sees me as this girl who’s tough but everyday I walk down the hall and it feels like a never-ending path to nowhere. Seeing everybody all happy in the hall, that’s when I realize, I’m lonely. People say they are there but their not. All my friends care about me but I don’t feel like anyone really does care about me. All of this just gets worse when I get home. It seems everyone constantly bi***es me at. I hate this I wish I could just leave and escape everything and everybody. But I cant. I don’t know why everything is so bad cant stand here or even being alive, I used to wake up wanting to get up and live life, but now I wake up thinking man I wish I didn’t just wake up. My whole life has been a constant struggle for the acceptance of my friends, family, and classmates. Ever since I was young I would get teased and made fun of because of many reasons but I can never be accepted by anybody. That’s why I am the way I am. The way I am is so beyond depressed there’s no words to describe it. Everyday I feel worthless and hopeless, like all I have to do is sit and take s**t from everybody in my life. Hi, my name is Chrystal and I’m 15 years old in high school; I’ve had a long painful journey in my life dealing with the struggles of high school. I just want all this pain to stop. This all started when I moved, or taken against my will with no say at all in it to Puerto Rico.
In 2003 Mom, Diego, mom’s boyfriend, Sandra, Alison, my sisters, and I moved to Worcester, to a street named Ives Street. I can say I was happy; I was going to a school I liked, living a city, neighborhood I liked. It was all good until that day came along where my mom told me “We are moving to…. Puerto Rico.” This wasn’t a 2 week vacation wee were full on moving there to live for a part of our lives. S**T! I got so sad and mad, I couldn’t take it I was sooo pissed, but I sucked it up, said goodbye to everyone including Sandra and Alison. They got to move in with their dad. I had to say goodbye to my family and friends just because my mother forced me. It was total bull s**t at that point is when I started experiencing pure rage toward mom. I felt as though she was taking me away from my home, my family, just because she didn’t want to be in the states because Sandra and Alison’s dad kept calling dss; department of social services, on her so she didn’t want to deal with it. So she dragged me to Puerto Rico with her. We lived there for 2 and half years. I hated it. Everyday felt like an eternity to me. I didn’t know what to think or what to feel but everyday all I wanted to do was go back home to my friends, family, and my home. Puerto Rico was not where I belonged. I knew it but no one else did. I would be sad everyday because I was so sad not seeing my family for 2 years. It’s been enough to convince mom to go back. No matter how sad I got nothing changed. Until one day my dreams finally came true. Mom being herself got into a fight with the people we were living with and we got kicked out and didn’t have anywhere to go or any one to stay with. Basically we were screwed, in my eyes that was a good thing and I was happy because that meant we were going back home. The only bad thing that happened was when we went back to the states we had to stay in a shelter with people we didn’t even know. I was glad to be going back.
It was a good day, when we went to the airport and boarded the plane and Diego, Mom and I were on our way back to where I defined as home. I knew we weren’t going be living the same place as before but all that mattered was we were going back. We arrived at the airport in Boston and we were greeted by a family member I hadn’t seen in so long it was Auntie bev. She was there waiting for us and I was so happy to see her. We then got our stuff and went in the car a headed to see Grammies and Alison. We got to their apartment and we were all so happy to see them. We stayed at Grammies house that night, then the next day we were going to go the homeless shelter in Southbridge. Before we did I got to see another person who I probably missed the most, my dad.
I went to Auntie Deb’s house and saw my dad and I ran into his arms and gave him a big hug. I hadn’t seen him in so long and I wasn’t so happy to see him.
We got to the shelter and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought that it was going to be dirty and the people would be mean and stuff but I wasn’t like that at all. The people were nice, we got a meal every night and the beds were comfy it was nice. We were there for 3 days and they same reason as when we were in Puerto Rico mother got into a fight with the people there and got us kicked out. We then had to go live at Grammies house with her and Alison. We lived in Worcester with them for a summer and then we found our own apartment. I was kind of excited but we were moving to a town I had never been to before so I didn’t know what was going to happen.
It was Holden. I didn’t know how Holden was or anything but when they told me we were moving to Holden something didn’t feel right inside of me. It was almost like when you know someone is in the room but you cant see him or her or hear him or her it was that kind of feeling. Then I thought maybe this could be good. Then I realized it wasn’t.
We got to Holden and to our new place and as soon as we got there I didn’t feel right at all. I stepped into the house, I felt as though I was something wasn’t right about this place. We got settled in and the first night we were there I didn’t sleep. I didn’t feel like I belonged in Holden. It just wasn’t the place for me, but I didn’t really have a say on where we were going to live. I knew I was going to be here for a while.
A few weeks’ later conversations about school were being brought up. So my and my mom went to go see what school I would be going to. I was going to be starting 6th grade. At first we went to the wrong one then we pulled into the parking lot of Mountview Middle School. It looked like a jail, and I was being summoned to death there, that’s almost how it was. I went in it didn’t look bad from inside; mom and I went to the office to sign me up for that school. I didn’t know what to expect…
Soon the summer ended and the day came when I had to go to this new school. I was so nervous I didn’t know anyone, so I was scared no one would like me and that I would have no friends. The night before my first day I was just thinking what is going to happen? Then I said to myself “ ill walk in confidant, fearless, under control not nervous”. I went to sleep.
I woke up 6 o’clock the next morning. I was excited and nervous, I had first day butterflies. I got ready, packing my bag full of everything I would ever need and putting it into my bag. I went out to get the bus and I felt so weird. I didn’t know anyone. A lot of the people on my bus knew each other and were talking and laughing I just sat there, just as an awkward preteen would. The bus arrived at school; I got off and walked inside the side of the building. They had us in a large cafeteria. At first it seemed people were in line almost and I got really nervous. I walked up to a teacher and said frantically “ are we supposed to be in line or going somewhere”. The short teacher then replied in a monotone voice but a reassuring “no just stand here until its time to go to homeroom.” So that’s what I did, I stood there. Then the had everyone sit on the floor, at that moment a bundle of teachers came into the room. They began reading off names. I realized they were calling for homerooms. They called a lot of people I sat nervously to find out whom my teacher was going to be. Then my name got called. Mrs. knight would be my new homeroom teacher. I had learned later she would be as well my English teacher. She finished her list of names. Then in a line we proceeded down stairs. We went into a room; it was an organized room with a colorful picture drawn with chalk on the chalkboard of a big flower. I thought who ever drew this must be really artistic. I looked around observing the room. After that we got our agenda books, which throughout the three years of middle school I didn’t use much. We went through everything, the rules and stuff, pretty boring. After homeroom it was time to go to your first class. I was really nervous, to see a new teacher. Until I read my sheet and I actually wasn’t going anywhere. The first class was English. So I sat in my same seat when a lot of people started coming in. there were a lot of different people walking in the room. I was little confused as to what was going on I was sitting at a table alone and everyone coming in was going to all different tables. So I waited more time, then everyone came in and I was still alone at a table. I didn’t really know what to think at that moment because I was too nervous to think about stuff like that. Class started, Mrs. Knight introduced her to the class and began telling us about what the year is going to be like. I was sort of spacing out a lot of the time. Thinking about how the rest of the day was going to be like. The end of the period rolled on and then it was time to go. We all went to 2nd period and so on to all the classes. I got lost a couple of times but I eventually found my way around the school. There was only one thing I was really worried about what’s lunch going to be like. When lunchtime rolled around I was nervous because I didn’t know where to sit or where to go. So when I went into the big cafeteria I had seen in the morning, only now there were tables. 6 long tables across the room I sat at the first one I saw, known as table 2, but later would become the b**ch table. I sat at the front I felt weird I didn’t eat because I felt awkward. Again what had happened in class had happened at lunch, no one wanted to sit near me. I got over it. I sat their drinking water. Until it was over. It seemed like it was going to be forever until lunch ended. It eventually did. The day went on everything was fine. I could say it was a nice school. I would discover later on, it was a hellhole.
6th grade went on, things were changing in the school. The first day everyone was nice then in the blink of an eye everything became dark. When I walked into Mountview I was confident and happy, until the day came when I was pushed into a pool of insecurities. People started placing each other in cliques, a group of people who are almost the same. I still didn’t have friends there, so I started looking for some. I talked to people, at the time I wanted to place myself with so called preps. I talked to some girls, who completely were just total bi**hes to me for no reason. I would try to get involved with popular people. I had been popular all throughout my school experience until I came here. I started being labeled. At the time I was gaining little weight, because of puberty, whatever. Then I got called that word no girl ever wants to hear. So stupid chic in the “preps” had called me fat. I was crushed, I didn’t ever think of myself in that way I had no insecurities in my mind. That is until the were pointed out and rubbed in my face. That was the one thing that changed me. I became insecure in that way, always worrying about my weight. I started realizing every girl was skinny. Then I came along and I was a little chunky and I got constantly harassed because of it. I was a load free sprit when I walked in now I could tell I was falling. More things came up and I started building up my insecurities. It was either I was fat, ugly, loud, weird. That’s when I started wearing makeup. My mom had got me something one day I had never used before, eyeliner and cover-up. I didn’t know how to use them, so my mom showed me. I was glad she bought me this. I started wearing it everyday, it made me feel pretty. I noticed the difference and so did other people. I wore the eyeliner a lot, dark think lines of it on my eyes. That’s when I supposable according to some people I became gothic. I was never gothic at all, and then began the rumors. Then one-day prep walked into my English class and said with an attitude “ are you wearing makeup?”, “yes” I said. She then replied, “Well you don’t need it, why are you wearing it”. I said, “ Because I like it”. Then she walked away. I thought how dare she try to tell me I don’t need it, like she had no right saying that to me. After that I became really sad. That is until I made my new friends.
In the middle of the year I had made new friends. Kelley and Shannon they were my first two friends. They were both so nice to me. We joked and hung out like friends. Kelley had become a really close friend to me. I would always talk to her, and sit with her at lunch. She had other friends and I tried to become friends with them but it just didn’t work. I started feeling left out. Her and I had gotten into a fight. I stopped sitting with her and started hanging around with Shannon more. I had become very close friends with her and was spending a lot of my time hanging around with her. Turns out she actually got me a lot of friends. I then became friends with a girl named Hannah and Isabella. The four of us would always sit together and hang out. Until the day came when we didn’t have Isabella there with us anymore. I didn’t know why she decided not to be friends with are anymore, I think she had gotten other friends and started to like them more. I sort of expected that she would, she never seemed to be interested in us any more and we grew apart. She’s a total b**ch now, but I got over it. As time went by I did eventually make some new friends. Throughout the next two years there for 7th and 8th grade, I had grown and lost friendships. I had a solid group though and still have those people. Hannah, Marianna, Britney, Kristina, Kiely. I was a friend with Hannah, Britney, Kristina starting in 6th grade, then Marianna and Kiely in 7th. Hannah was really nice. Around the time she was only person I could trust enough. Shannon had moved away to Seattle, so I only had Hannah. Her and I would hang out a lot because she lived so close to me. I would always talk to her on the phone. She was my best friend. Until 7th grade rolled around. I had become really good friends with Marianna; she was in my homeroom and in some of my classes. We were like almost the same in everyway, personality wise. We were always joking around and pissing off teachers and just being silly. That’s what tore Hannah and I apart. I was always hanging with Marianna, (Mary for short), and Hannah got mad. Our friendship then ended and I thought we would never be as good as friends as we were. I missed her but it was something she decided, I didn’t want to make her be my friend so I just left it alone. Right now her and I have patched up our friendship and we’ve been friends again for 2 years. Mary and I are still the best of friends. Mary has always been there for me. She like a sister now to me. She is the other person I can say I really trust. She’s understanding and funny. We have a lot jokes and we were and still are the best of friends. I became friends with a girl named Kristina in the middle of 6th grade. She was funny and crazy and just awesome. I started being friends with her through Shannon, she knew her then I met her and a friendship just formed. I am a friend with her to this day as well. Kiely and Britney started being my friends 7th grade. Britney was more my friend in 7th and Kiely more did in 8th. They are cousins and they both are great. The three of us did get into a situation when Kiely and Britney made up a fake guy and saying he was their friend and like me. It was bad them doing that, I lost the trust between us. I don’t trust them still because of that but we are still friends. Also I was a friend with a girl named Alex. She was so cool and funny, I liked being her friend. Then freshman year rolled around and she decided she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I miss her but there is nothing I can really now. We are still not friends, and unfortunately I don’t think we ever will be again. Who can forget Eric. He didn’t become any of our friends until 8th grade. We all considered him “one of the girls”. He had this humor we all found hilarious. All the time he would keep us all laughing. Now I cant tell you we are friends still or not because I don’t know. I was fortunate to have friends during middle school, because I really needed them. Especially 7th grade. That was when I fell down.
6th grade flew by and then came my second year at Mountview, that was when the drama really started. 7th grade came and I thought I was ready to handle everything I was going to deal with. I realized 1 week into school I couldn’t. I will admit it was the “best year” only because that was when I made the most friends and had the most fun. I did have ups and downs that year but I learned to push myself through it all. Around that time I began learning the ways of other people, and how to put a wall up. That’s what I did. I never let anyone see the real me because I was so afraid of what people would say about me. 7th grade was hard. That was the year I really started to be affected by the noise around me. I had never had the problem of being picked on before so I didn’t know how to cope with it. I didn’t know how to defend myself. All I knew how to do was sit and take the emotional abuse. The bullying. When I had gone into Mountview I was happy, then as years went by I became drained of all happiness I had in myself. I guess some people got pleasure out of seeing me suffer. I never really showed it though, I never cried, I never yelled I just stayed silent. Silence was the only way I could collect my thoughts when I was upset. Which is something I still do. When I feel like I’m about to break I sit in silence, so quiet you can barley hear me breathing. I didn’t want people to know I was upset but somehow they always knew. I never let anyone see the real me because I was so afraid of what people would say about me. 7th grade was hard. That was the year I really started to be affected by the noise around me. I had never had the problem of being picked on before so I didn’t know how to cope with it. I didn’t know how to defend myself. All I knew how to do was sit and take the emotional abuse. The bullying. When I had gone into Mountview I was happy, then as years went by I became drained of all happiness I had in myself. I guess some people got pleasure out of seeing me suffer. I never really showed it though, I never cried, I never yelled I just stayed silent. Silence was the only way I could collect my thoughts when I was upset. Which is something I still do. When I feel like I’m about to break I sit in silence, so quiet you can barley hear me breathing. I didn’t want people to know I was upset but somehow they always knew. People would poke fun at me all the time. Silence was a sign of weakness. I wasn’t weak though. That these moments I was weak but over all the experience made me a stronger person. Pushed around and kicked but when I fell down I wasn’t going to give up, I was going to keep trying to get up when they kicked me down.
I made it to my last year, all though I was still suffering it helped to know I had one year left then I could start over. But I knew it was going to be one hell of a ride. 8th grade was tough but as the year went on I began regaining my pride and confidence. I had a tough time with grades and such, but I wasn’t going to stay back in hell so I worked my hardest to make it out of the jail cells.
I did it! That year was hard I was still pushed but it didn’t get to me..as much as before. I was still harassed by stupid girls, but I beat them. I graduated with at least a little bit of myself along with me. I can say now middle school was one hell of a fight. I just wonder would the war continue in high school. Only one way to find
I am now in high school sophomore year, and still fighting battles but I wont give up. I can say its still hard and i will always fight. middle school was one of the most self damanging point in my life, it mad eme into a person i never wanted to be. and in high school its just another battle in the war of being a teen.