If Only You Knew... I Need You | Teen Ink

If Only You Knew... I Need You

October 4, 2013
By sulymethod BRONZE, Fallbrook, California
sulymethod BRONZE, Fallbrook, California
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. -Napoleon I

I'm too proud to tell you I'm wrong but I am. You tell me the meanest things when I make mistakes and I'll say, "You say the same freakin' things every time." I roll my eyes and give you the death stare. With only that, you get the message: Your words don't hurt me. Never did. Never will. Don't waste your breath. I wish you only knew... they do. Always did. Always will. They remind me you'll never be proud of me. I wish you knew I cry every night till I fall asleep. I wake up late so I won't have to face the grim reality, my "life" isn't just a cruel trick my mind gets off on playing on me. You came in my room, just like every morning and saw the shell of my soul laying in bed and said to yourself, "7 is too early. Let her sleep for a while longer." I get up at ten and the minute I come into the living room I hear you say, "What do you want to eat?" I can tell by your tone you're annoyed by my presence. I hate breakfast. Just realized why. "I'm not hungry," I respond. I wish you knew I was. I wish you knew I'm so hungry I could eat everything on every plate you would put out on every Sunday before church for your special breakfast buffet but I'll never tell you. I'll never give in. After school, you have my favorite foods ready. I don't see you so I take a seat and dig in. It's these moments I live outside the box and think about the purpose of life: sleep, eat, drink, survive and repeat. I hear the garage door open. I'm back. I look down to my plate and realize I ate everything on it subconsciously. You come in with many heavy bags of groceries but I don't move a finger to help. You've grown used to it so it doesn't bother you. That bothers me but I would hate to see you surprised if I helped you so I stay put. I wish you knew as a little girl I would have loved to help you to show you I love you and feel my hard work was worth the Thank You you'd give me. Probably a part of me still wants your appreciation but am too proud. After all. I don't need it. You're happy for some reason I would like to know of but act as if I don't care. You ask, "How was your day?" You suffice with a simple "fine". I wish you knew I had a terrible day and could understand if I ever did tell you. When I say "You don't understand" it's not the frail teenage mind speaking. You really don't understand. I put my dishes in the sink and without another word I go to my room and lay on my bed, put on my headphones and drain out the noise. Soon enough, I fell asleep. The nightmare began.

I sat up on my bed feeling groggy. I frowned. Probably to the thought of sleeping without a blanket. I didn't feel cold though. I dressed and came into the kitchen. It was oddly silent. I would have enjoyed it if I hadn't had an uneasy feeling. I began breathing deeply and made my way to my parent's room. She wasn't there. Externally I didn't freak out. I felt around my pocket for my phone and dialed her number. No answer. I rubbed my bare arm. I called out to my dad but he didn't talk back. I began feeling frightened. I felt my mono-phobia slowly come back. All my childish fears crept back into my mind and I felt vulnerable. I sat down on the ground with my knees brought up to my chin and began to tear a bit. A long time passed. The house phone rung and I quickly found it. "Hello?" I receive disturbing news. Oddly I can only tell by my reaction. What did the man on the other side say? I run outside and there on my doorstep is a sight I'll never forget. A woman's body on a plastic sheet with her head hacked off. I screamed at the sight. A man in a black suit reaches to grab me and I step back. "Go back inside," he firmly says. I shook my head but at the moment that's all I wanted to do. something told me to trust this man but to be present in the scene. I went back in the house feeling so confused. I had stopped crying. A lady came in through the door. "Where is she?" I instinctively said. She sat me down on the sofa. I saw her say words but heard nothing. Again I began crying but this time hysterically. She left. Alone. I've grown to the feeling but never like this. "Why are you crying?" I heard the voice a million times before but this time it hit me like a strong wave on the shore of solitude. I turned and smiled. In a faint glow I saw my hero. "Look at them. They think I'm dead." I laughed. I got up and walked up to the thing. "I love you," I said. I meant it. But she didn't respond. The man in the black suit came in. "Are you okay?" he said? I saw he didn't see her. I smirked and turned to her. "Are you playing a trick on him?" She stayed still. "Who are you talking to?" said the man. I laughed even harder this time. She said, "Hug me." I opened my arms and reached out to her but my arms went through. I tried a second time. "Hug me," she repeated. I tried once more and began crying when I couldn't feel her. "Don't you love me anymore? Why won't you hug me." I desperately tried and nothing happened. At last I punched at what I thought would be the air. But she felt it. "You hate me, " she whispered. "NO!" I yelled "Who are you?" I sobbed to the point I couldn't breathe and I knelt down. I felt the man's hands on my shoulders. It's over.

I woke up. It had all been a nightmare She must have put a blanket on me because I felt something slip off when I stood up but I didn't care It was dark but I saw it was three in the morning by glancing at my glow in the dark clock. I ran to her room. She was there. I felt a pang in my stomach and cried at the thought of losing her again. I walked to her side of the bed and put my hand on her shoulder. She quickly opened her eyes. "I had a bad dream." She raised her sheets as if to tell me get in. And I did. She felt warm. I couldn't remember the last time she comforted me. I felt like a child again. I thought back to when she wasn't here. There. She wasn't with me. All this time I thought she'd never been but a part of me always knew she was somewhere. I never felt completely lonely. Why am I just realizing this? I need her to know.I sat straight up. I shook her until she too was fully awake. When she finally was, I said, "I need you to know I-"

I need you to know your opinion means everything to me. I know I'm wrong but if you ever confirmed it, it'd kill me. I have always wanted to be like you. I admire everything about you. I appreciate everything you do for me but I'm sorry I never show my gratitude. I really am. I would do anything to have your blessing but have always feared getting hurt if you ever kept me from being happy. I put a brick wall between us but never realized how weak I built it. I have always been afraid you would see me as anything less as I am now if I told you my thoughts and dreams. I ruined the relationship I never knew we had. It was the beautiful relationship I had always wanted. I am stupid and wrong and I wish you knew... I need you to know I fooled myself. I lied to myself so much I began to believe the opposite. I want to tell you this but when I look in your eyes it seems so hard to say anything and I think you look so pretty. My pride is in the way. I can't say it.

And I say "I love you mom." My mother knows it all. My mother knows me. My pride is no match for my mom and I'm okay with that. She knows.

The author's comments:
I guess this is sort of my relationship with my mother. The nightmare is an actual nightmare I had.

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