A Winter Song | Teen Ink

A Winter Song

July 10, 2013
By rockyyyyyyyyy SILVER, Lawrenceville, Georgia
rockyyyyyyyyy SILVER, Lawrenceville, Georgia
9 articles 0 photos 61 comments

Favorite Quote:
dont let people drive u crazy if you know its in walking distance

Remove all of thy garments,
and near the hearth-
nestled- shall be our place
of warmth,
for in such a season-
which laughter despises,
an all things of beauty
thrive along pride-less
- must we procreate,
for such warmth!


Remove all of thy garments,
and near the hearth-
nestled- shall be our place
of warmth-
When bleak grows the month,
and sickly our roses
shall your eyes still
of such sweet iridescence
and your smile grant
such a divine presence-
so from you
is such gleaming warmth.


Remove all of thy garments
an near the hearth-
nestled- shall be our place of warmth;
after passions have fleeted
from such blissful exhaust,
and tremulous I became,
and weak in my thoughts-
when you is all that
shall keep me warm
may then winters
solemn song be sung!

The author's comments:
I wrote this after reading some of Arthur Rimbaud and the way he uses repetition, so i thought i would experiment.

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This article has 3 comments.

Mckay ELITE said...
on Jul. 11 2013 at 5:15 pm
Mckay ELITE, Somewhere, Virginia
146 articles 0 photos 2230 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."
—Apple’s “Think Different” commercial, 1997
“Crazy people are considered mad by the rest of the society only because their intelligence isn't understood.”
― Weihui Zhou

Wow, Raeee really critiqued this poem. Umm...there were a few scattered typos here and there. But hey, that happens to all of us. I like the concept of repition. I do think it flowed nicely. I didn't see the necrophelia in it. But then again your idol is Poe. So...But the image is clear to me. And romantic. And your language is so old-school like the greats before us. I don't mind Old Ye' English. Dunno why many people do. By the way, I haven't heard of this poet that inspired you to write this poem. I'mma check him out. Thanks for introducing him. 

raeee GOLD said...
on Jul. 10 2013 at 9:33 pm
raeee GOLD, Walla Walla, Georgia
15 articles 3 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Would she hear me if I called her name? Would she hold me if she knew my shame? Would she even love me if I was to blame?" -Favourite poem ever♥

I don't like it. I know you're using repition, but it just doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the poem. It seems jagged in areas, and the emotion is just lacking. I'm guessing it's to be about a couple cuddled in front of a fire, but I just can't see it. It doesn't seem right and I can't place my finger on it now, but there's something missing other than emotion. Also, the second stanza made me think she was dead or something? I don't know, just the way you wrote it made me think of Poe's "Annabel Lee" (Who is dead, by the way...) It just seems to have a glimmer of necrophilia in it, and that kind of off puts my thoughts. Other than that, wonderful my dear. -Rae

on Jul. 10 2013 at 2:31 pm
TargonTheDragon GOLD, Ofallon, Missouri
15 articles 16 photos 292 comments

Favorite Quote:
First dentistry was painless.
Then bicycles were chainless,
Carriages were horseless,
And many laws enforceless.

Next cookery was fireless,
Telegraphy was wireless,
Cigars were nicotineless,
And coffee caffeineless.

Soon oranges were seedless,
The putting green was weedless,
The college boy was hatless,
The proper diet fatless.

New motor roads are dustless,
The latest steel is rustless,
Our tennis courts are sodless,
Our new religion — godless.

i like the repition, and also how the ending lines rhymed. sometimes i feel like the only poet here that uses rhyming is me:P