Divinity | Teen Ink


May 8, 2015
By LotusChild PLATINUM, Raleigh, North Carolina
LotusChild PLATINUM, Raleigh, North Carolina
32 articles 0 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Let them hate, so long as they fear me" ~Colligula

Shake the words off, she’ll be back
Fall to my knees, I can’t keep track
Of the lack of certainty, it’s hurting me
I look away, she’s still there if I look away
A wide array of strife and pain and shame
That I can’t save and so I look away
And she will stay if I look away

Sharp pain pulls at my heart
My stomach, my throat and every part
Of me that burns to have her here
That yearns to hold her near
And have nothing to fear
As I whisper in her ear, yet
There is no one there,
I toss and turn, I burn, my flesh sears
I writhe and squirm to escape and tears
Swell in my eyes and my heart drops
And the world stops
Chained to reality, let this be a fallacy
She's all I see, in front of me,
This can't be, and yet
Here I am, a gutted, bleeding wreck

Who took her?! Who's to blame?!
Set them aflame, crush their frame,
Murder them and their name, why?!
Why me? Why is she gone?
I would give the world if she just
Be at my side in the dawn,
Let It Dawn and let this hart see his fawn
Pull at my heartstrings, my love
For your light comes straight from above
And if there's truly a god,
He would bring back my darling dove,
But he won't...

A kindly flame to warm, not harm
Having her hug my arm
It's a memory I hold so dear,
So why is it a deadly spear
That pushes itself deep inside
My cold heart’s hard and crusted hide
I'm terrified and petrified
As my flesh is torn open wide
For all I've ever done for her,
I never lied or set her aside
And yet I am denied,
She took my stride, my joy, my pride
She left, and I'm alone
And this is what I'm shown
Blackness with a numbness
That pulls on your heart and tears you apart
And ends your thoughts and ends your start
The tart taste of true failure
Time ticks on the timer
I wish to god that I would die
At least then it would be over

What reason is left to step forward
It’s backward and awkward and I can't face this horror
It’s torture, but not of flesh, it borders
On heart and mind, meshed, it’s a hatred of myself
Pure and clear, not fear, it’s hell
Fell from the highest bell tower and well
I might as well burn,
For I’m a coward
With nothing to gain and nothing to lose
I’m nothing, as nothing is nothing of use
I light this fuse

I look to the east as the sun rises
As if it was an answer to my crisis
I watch as the colors come into view
Out of the darkness, something new
As if on cue, as if it were the dawn I was due
I reach for the light, as I reached Into the Darkness
Yet, I cannot touch it, It’s just out of gain
Just an inch away, always an inch away
And my heart throbs at the thought of hope
For hope always lay at the end of a rope
The hope that life was but a hoax, a faux
So as to grow what we know that we could go
Beyond the barriers of what is so
The light comes closer at every hour
It gives me power, which I devour
I wish for more and only more
I look to the tower and shout out for my answer
and silence comes, for this is my cancer
My death comes at nothing
My breath stops, lungs crushed and
I reach out
I reach out and break my own chains
I’m done with the pain, take it away
As I wish the sun was clouded
So that it may rain, but it’s not, so I feign
A way that I may see the rain as the sun rays
Beam upon me and I look away
This is where I choose to walk away
Let Me Walk Away, towards the west
As the sun slowly settles and sets
It darkens and slowly I let
My eyes close, as I no longer follow those
My heart will once again take lead
For my heart is the strongest part of me
I feed it my sorrow and it only seems
To get stronger with each seed
I sigh as I no longer feel the earth beneath me
I’m free, it’s the only way I see the sea
Of people agree to a degree with me
I am one of them and they are one of me
But still I'm on a higher level
One which keep angels and devils
I trudge in the hatred in which I revel
I shall walk forward intently, infinitely
Uncertainty takes me and it shakes me
Divinity is what I make it, for then it shapes me

The author's comments:

This is acceptance, what I've been striving to achieve (other than getting into the magazine) and hopefully after this, I won't hate living as much as I do. I put a little bit of everything into this one, so it may not be as pure and raw as my other work, but it does have a meaning behind each and every word, which I feel is really all that is needed with works like these.

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This article has 7 comments.

on May. 19 2015 at 11:08 pm
LotusChild PLATINUM, Raleigh, North Carolina
32 articles 0 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Let them hate, so long as they fear me" ~Colligula

You can email me at Stuffedgore@gmail.com if you like :3

Beila BRONZE said...
on May. 19 2015 at 12:14 pm
Beila BRONZE, Palo Alto, California
3 articles 0 photos 516 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." -Mark Twain

Okay, just to put this out there, I would love, love, LOVE to meet you in real life, so if you're ever in the San Fran area (CA), let me know. (I'll do the same if I ever find myself in Carolina, but then again, is there anything actually there... ;)) Seriously, though, it's so cool to meet someone who is intelligent, thoughtful, hope-filled, and yet pragmatic enough to write that. To me, religion, like spirituality at its essence, is less about finding answers and more about asking the right questions, like how can I be compassionate with or without God, and why, and why not, and who says, and hold on, with what authority? So what I'm saying is that that is possibly the best response I've ever gotten to the question of whether or not God exists, so thanks! *LotusChild smiling, skimming over words, patting self on back, finding something bad I said to actually respond to* Hey, I give all feedback with equal gravity and thoughtfulness. If I write a long paragraph with no critiques, that's because I consider it appropriate to the piece. My compliments are always as intentional and critical as my criticism, so even if you're not replying, give them the time of day! Not to mention that you, dear LotusChild, of all people, can certainly use the positivity. ;)

on May. 18 2015 at 8:47 pm
LotusChild PLATINUM, Raleigh, North Carolina
32 articles 0 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Let them hate, so long as they fear me" ~Colligula

Also, I wrote these replies on my phone, so forgive the spelling errors.

on May. 18 2015 at 8:43 pm
LotusChild PLATINUM, Raleigh, North Carolina
32 articles 0 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Let them hate, so long as they fear me" ~Colligula

God exists in the lives of those who accept him for what he is; hope. God is truly good to those who live by his laws for to live by his laws to live well, but not everyone can live like that, bound by a code that does nothing more for them than restrict their way of living, give them an excuse to live well and be a decent human being with the reward being eternal blessings in the afterlife. Something struck me, however... Why must I have an excuse to live well and love others? Can't I just be a good person? No, because god requires worship, god requires sacrifice of the precious little time we have on this world so that I may have eternal life. Sounds like a good deal at first, but it requires somethinf else... It requires faith. Faith that something is watching over you, judging you when you do wrong with no immediate reward for what we do right. We are constantly reminded that life is precious but why? If everlasting life comes next, why bother with this existence? I'm not saying god is or isn't real, the truth is I couldn't care less, I have a bone to pick with the idea of god and how he is depicted among christians, jews and muslims, if what the holy scripts say is true, then god is a sadist and we worship him for it! If what we read in the scripts is just a metaphorical story, then what's the point?! To live like a decent human being while looking down upon others for not believing? I realize not all religious people are like that, but still. I don't wish to bash on anyone's belifs but this is just insane, and the fact that some people can look at any of those texts and say "Yeah, I'll fo that"... I envy it... I can't believe that god cares for me if he exists because I've been on my own from the beginning, everyone has been. I want to attribute our kindness to ourselves, not god, not a book... I want to believe that if words of god were never spoken, that I could still be a good, loving person... The reason for the specific pieces I included in this piece was because those poems were the ones that I feel best describes the parts of my sorrow that go with that particular stanza. Also, I didn't reply to your comment on Rainbows and Light because I didn't feel that it needed a reply. I don't respond to good feedback because I don't like to stroke my ego. I simply smile and say "keep that in mind" and move on to address what could use improvement so that I can get better :3

Beila BRONZE said...
on May. 18 2015 at 3:48 pm
Beila BRONZE, Palo Alto, California
3 articles 0 photos 516 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." -Mark Twain

Observation: You either really don't like or really don't know how to accept compliments. You never respond to any of my positive comments on your work! :P So I have a rather opposite story, seeing as I'm a/the reason why my family is religious. When I was about six years old, I actually started "shoving religion down my parents' throat," although I hate that metaphor. I'm really curious which religion failed so badly to answer your very legitimate questions. So God is a hack, but does he exist, in your opinion? Also, you didn't answer my other question about why you chose these three pieces. And also, I know you saw my last comment on "Rainbow" but haven't responded, and if that's because I went over the line and offended you, I'm really sorry. Never, ever is it my intent in these comments to "hurt your feelings," whatever you want to call that.

on May. 18 2015 at 10:29 am
LotusChild PLATINUM, Raleigh, North Carolina
32 articles 0 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Let them hate, so long as they fear me" ~Colligula

I'm one of those people who grew up with religion shoved down my throat, however, instead of pushing away as my brother did, I instead embraced it. I loved god, I worshipped and learned and I had all the faith in the world. One day I realized that he seemed strangely absent in not only my life, but the world. Some things didn't seem right, they were off. Why would god make us to make us suffer? So I thought perhaps I was misinformed. I decided to study other religions and more and more until I realized that in every incarnation, god is a hack (no offense)! Why would he make us to put us through this world? But before I start ranting, yes, I do have an intimate knowledge of religion because I once was a person of god.

Beila BRONZE said...
on May. 18 2015 at 12:29 am
Beila BRONZE, Palo Alto, California
3 articles 0 photos 516 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." -Mark Twain

Congratulations. Now this is how you write a culminating piece. This poem is an incredible testimony to you, your talent, and your honesty in sharing your life through Teen Ink. It's a huge triumph both in acceptance and in terms of artistry. Don't worry about the magazine. They wouldn't know Great Literature if it smacked them in the face. This, for you, is monumental; be proud of it. Observation: You have a strong exposure to religion and a serious bone to pick with God. You drop in Bible references (ex: Cain in "This Moment, Gone" and Noah's dove here) way too often for it to be casual. Whenever your rants reach that next level of anger, you always turn to God, whether in rage or defeat or indignation. You've spent several poems exploring the concept of divinity and imagining yourself in that role. God is imperfect to you, and you're somehow compelled to understand why and to change that. I'm not necessarily expecting you to explain it, but as a religious teen, I'm definitely curious how you were raised. If you look back all the way to "Time...", you'll see that the religious reference caught my eye even way back then, on the first piece I read and commented on, and I've been pondering it since. Care to comment? Observation: You are inherently bonded to the dawn and to the sunset. I think you've got something like half a dozen poems now where the sun is your biggest metaphor. Do you wake up early enough to see the sun rise? Other than that, I love the Romeo and Juliet reference (I can't figure out if it feels more "What's in a name?" or "A plague on both your houses!") and the nods to your smaller works. Out of curiosity, why those particular three? The rhyme is just stunning; I still can't figure out how in the world you can come up with it. Tangible emotion, vivid imagery, breathtaking conclusion... must be a LotusChild poem. Encore!