Perfect and Sad | Teen Ink

Perfect and Sad

December 6, 2011
By poetic.eyes PLATINUM, Everson, Washington
poetic.eyes PLATINUM, Everson, Washington
23 articles 3 photos 198 comments

Favorite Quote:

Something buzzed in the air,
a fly perhaps, a bee?
But never did he see
something more.

Out of the dusk
roared thunder.
But he did not make it under
his perfect hiding place.

Something hit him in the side
and he began to quiver.
He felt so cold that he did shiver
but really he was not.

On his hand he felt something
like honey from the bees.
But when the breeze
blew by his face he saw that it was not.

It looked like glittering rubies
there in that pail, dying light.
And oh, if only it could be night
he would feel a bit less vulnerable.

But since the rubies in his hand
where not rubies at all.
But droplets of blood which did fall
from where the bullet pierced him.

Oh how he did cry out
when he came to his senses.
He was not protected by fences
like gardens were.

And there slowly he died
bent over and pulsing.
Trying to stop crying
but never did stop.

Until peacefully lying
spread on the ground.
Curled in a ball neat and round.
His death was perfect and sad.

The author's comments:
This was a challenge to write, please tell me what you think!

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This article has 5 comments.

on Dec. 10 2013 at 6:45 pm
EmmaClaire0823 GOLD, Bay Minette, Alabama
13 articles 0 photos 102 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

This was really good and I liked it. I would say that personally your word choice could have been a little more developed. You could have used a more impressive vocabulary. Also, this is completely my opinion, but I am not a fan of rhyming free verse, that is just a personal dislike of mine. The senses that you convayed were really well done also. Great job! 

on Dec. 9 2013 at 9:15 pm
poetic.eyes PLATINUM, Everson, Washington
23 articles 3 photos 198 comments

Favorite Quote:

Thank you!

on Dec. 9 2013 at 11:42 am
Dr.FeelGood GOLD, Allemen, Iowa
13 articles 0 photos 78 comments

Favorite Quote:
"is oxygen a gas?" brought to us by my friend the blonde.

you keep getting better and better

on Jan. 8 2012 at 6:04 pm
poetic.eyes PLATINUM, Everson, Washington
23 articles 3 photos 198 comments

Favorite Quote:

Thank you!!!! I wrote some titles under the contest three for second winner I believe. Thanks, again!!!!

on Jan. 8 2012 at 12:53 pm
Helena_Noel BRONZE, Burnt Hills, New York
1 article 0 photos 629 comments

Favorite Quote:
“I'd rather see a sermon than hear one any day; I'd rather one should walk with me than merely tell the way: The eye's a better pupil and more willing than the ear, fine counsel is confusing, but example's always clear.” -Edgar Guest

Wow, this is really good! I think that the sixth stanza is a little akward and could have been worded better, but I love it over all. Although I can tell that this is something about death, I feel that there is something there that i am missing, and I think that is a large part of what makes it a good poem. It gives me alot of food for thought and I'll probably be chewing on this all day. It has a bit of and archaic and mysterious feel to it that really makes it stick in your mind. Great work! By the way, did you see that you had placed second in the Fairytale Poetry Contest? Congrats!