Nihilism vs. Mockingbirds | Teen Ink

Nihilism vs. Mockingbirds

April 27, 2013
By Raygun-Jane BRONZE, Denver, Colorado
Raygun-Jane BRONZE, Denver, Colorado
3 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
"And you only live forever in the lights you make.
When we were young, we used to say,
That you only hear the music when your heart begins to break.
Now we are the kids from yesterday."
~My Chemical Romance, "The Kids From Yesterday"

"You're like a phoenix," I told myself,
thinking back to every time I sat there in our
eye-singeing lime-green kitchen,
And heard my mother tell me how
I was born too early and was so small the nurses called me "peanut" and I had to get chest tubes that scarred me
Like I'd a knife fight with life at a month old.
But I survived, like a phoenix.

"You might be a firebird, figuratively," my therapist thought,
As I sat on her charcoal-black couch and clutched tear-stained tissues like they were
life preservers that could pull me back to those early days
When I had parents and my innocence had yet to go down in flames.
I survived the funeral too--
I had no other choice but to rise from grave-ashes.

"Phoenixes are cliché, and so is hope," I choked out through the black smoke of despair.
I asked "Does this matter" once too often,
Dug through the depths of attempted life-meaning one too many times,
And came up short.
I had no answer for life, so I reasoned there wasn't one.
(I didn't want to have to face the harsh, glaring sunlight,
didn't want to be dragged back into dull delusions by fleeting flashes of life-sparks.)

"Have you seen this new book?" asked a girl in my class
on another monochrome, dreary day.
I glanced through my smog-grey glasses of cynicism at the cover.
It was a mockingbird,
shining fiercely white out of the deep blue sky,
and it was the only beautiful thing in the world.
"How simple," I thought, "how stupidly simple is this bird?"

But its beak pierced pinpricks of lights into my veil of gloom.

Am I a phoenix or a mocking-jay?
Does it matter?
Either way, my life has its fire again.

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