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Welcome to the Room
ABOUT: two scandelous people who have taken over a game show and made it there own to steal the prize money when nobody wins.
CAST in order of appearance: (male or female)Speaker One, (male or female)Speaker Two, Lilian, Jonas, Medic impersonator, Mari, Tomorrow, Leo, Judge One(male), Judge Two(female)
PROPS: Mircophone, cheat sheet, desk, ten chairs, fake metal prize, paper cup, water bottle
Speaker One: (Walks up to the microphone and clears throat)
Welcome ladies and gentlemen. This is The Room! And today will be the day! We have our final ten contestants from last round. And then there will be three, and then there will be the winner! So, lets get this thing going. (walks back to seat)
Speaker Two: (from seat) Everybody already knows the rules, but just to reiterate: no cheating, no asking for help from the audience, no pausing, and definitely no redos. And no pressure here as I say this, the loser goes home to mommy who may or may not be in the crowd already.
(offstage in audience one person claps and whistles)
Anyway, lets begin. Lets have our lovely Lilian Carlisle step up to the mic.
(LILIAN steps up and squints from the glare of the lights)
Speaker One: Spell the word 'anipiprazole'.
Lilian: (confused) I thought this was a game show. And where are the other judges?
Speaker Two: Is that your final answer?
Lilian: (tilts head) What?
Speaker One and Two: Oooh, sorry. Incorrect.
Speaker One: The correct answer is A-N-I-P-I-P-R-A-Z-O-L-E.
Speaker Two: Don't quit your day job, honey.
(rejection music plays as Lilian takes seat, dazed, at the end)
Speaker One: Okay! Jonas Michaels, it's your go. Let's see how bad you spell.
(JONAS trips up to the microphone)
Jonas: How bad I what?
Speaker One: That a boy, start pumping those legs.
(JONAS looks around)
Speaker Two: Alrighty then, Jonas. If you could do three-hundred arm-ups in five minutes, how many push-ups could you do in five minutes?
Jonas: (shrugs nonchalantly) three-hundred.
Speaker One: Well let's see if you're correct!
(SPEAKER ONE walks to stage and hands JONAS half full water bottle with sly smirk)
Jonas: (flabbergasted) What?!?
Speaker Two: If you can do three-hundred push-ups in five minutes flat then you have the chance to win! Come on, I know five thousand dollars sounds good to you. (turns to SPEAKER ONE) I know five thousand dollars sound good to me.
Speaker One: (nods and says almost to himself) Child support would be like picking daisies for the next four months. (To SPEAKER TWO) If he doesn't want it, I'll take it!
Speaker Two: (stares at SPEAKER ONE incredulously for a moment) Right. (to JONAS) You're up, boy.
(JONAS swallows and gets down on knees)
Jonas: I really have to do this?
Speaker One: Is that your final answer?
(JONAS shakes head, then starts to do push-ups.)
Speaker Two: And while his gym and perserverance abilities are really being tested, how about we go for a little break (stands).
(offtstage in crowd one person claps and roots JONAS on)
Jonas: (out of breath) Do (pause) I really (pause) have to do (gasp) three-hundred?
Speaker One: Is that your final 'final' answer?
(enter SPEAKER TWO, JONAS collapses)
Speaker Two: No, I think 'that' is his final answer. (snaps fingers) Medic!
(Enter MEDIC. Grabs JONAS by ends of feet, and drags off stage. JONAS huffs)
Speaker One: He was such a brave soilder. (sniffs and drinks water) Too bad he didn't have to do three-hundred push-ups.
Speaker Two: I know. Isn't "Yes, that's my final answer" good enough? (shakes head) Mari will be much better. Won't you,4.444 GPA, Mari?
(MARI steps up to the mic popping gum, rolling her eyes, and rubbing her stomach)
Speaker One: The legendary Mari Hilks, of... where ever you come from!
Mari: (smacking gum) You know, this show is kind of tight. Free food, free drinks, free internet. What more could you ask for?
Speaker One: More food?
(MARI, SPEAKER ONE, SPEAKER TWO, AND MEDIC LAUGH)
(they all eye MEDIC who is wiping brow from hefting two-eighty pound JONAS off stage)
Speaker Two: (points to MARI's stomach) Looks like there's a bit of hunger there.
Mari: Oh no, this is indigestion. I call him PorkRice.
Speaker One: (confused) PorkRice...
Mari: Well that's his daddy's name (rolls eyes).
Speaker Two: How about we get this show on the road?
Speaker One: The phrase 'sayonnara' comes from what language?
Mari: (stops chewing) Can I have the definition?
Speaker One: Goodbye.
Mari: (peeks at cheat sheet on right hand) ...That phrase is Japanese.
Speaker Two: Correct!
Mari: (jumps) Yes!
( two people crowd goes wild with applaud)
(offstage): THATS MY BABY!!
(MARI takes seat and starts to pop her gum again)
Speaker One: Now we have someone unique stepping to the stage. Her name is Tomorrow, and well, I think her names says it all.
(TOMORROW steps up to the mic smoothing her skirt and blouse and SPEAKER ONE sighs heavily)
Tomorrow: Nice to see you again.
Speaker Two: Same here. Are you ready for your question?
Speaker Two: Great. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck norris?
Tomorrow: A woodchuck would chuck no chuck norris, even if a woodchuck could chuck norris (smiles).
Speaker One: (mutters) This is totally from urbandictionary dot com.
Speaker Two: (grinning) Indeed it is from urbandictionary dot com. Okay, so we planned this out last night (winks at TOMORROW). Here is the real question-
Speaker One: If the United States is still at a standstill with Korea, then who, precisely, won the Korean war?
Tomorrow: (clenches jaw) The United States?
Speaker One: I'm sorry.
Tomorrow: (last chance) ...of America?
Speaker Two: That is incorrect. The correct as is: no one. We are still at a standstill, therefore nobody won and nobody lost. (pause) Per se.
Tomorrow: (points finger accusingly at SPEAKER TWO) How dare you say I'm wrong? For all you know they're fighting right now! (feigns hurt) That can't be a valid question. (looks to SPEAKER ONE) That cannot be a valid question.
Speaker One: (pointing to TOMORROW's hair) And that CANNOT be a valid weave. The answer is incorrect. Thank you very much, Yesterday.
Tomorrow: My name is not Yesterday!
Speaker One: (unconcerned) Yesterday, Tomorrow, last week, whatever your name is!
(TOMORROW huffs and stalks off stage...one lone person in the audience claps and hoots)
Speaker Two: You just don't like her-
Speaker One: Yeah, I just don't like her. (wipes forehead and with smile introduces) Come on up, Leo Patrick.
Speaker Two: (says to himself as Leo is coming up) Note to self: never take your partners' girlfriend if you plan on being in business with him for the next twenty years.
Leo: (into microphone loudly) Hi. (looks around) Where are the other two judges?
(SPEAKER TWO rubs ear with grimace)
Speaker One: Hello yourself. Let's make this quick: can you tell me how many vowels are in the alphabet when saying them?
Leo: (into the the microphone too loud) Sure. (steps back) Thirty-eight.
Speaker One and Speaker two: What?
Leo: (closer) Thir-ty eight.
Speaker One: (looks down to check) Correct!
Speaker Two: We have our two finalists! Mari Hilks and Leo patrick.
Speaker One: (chuckles) Sounds like Cleopatra.
Leo: A geet geet geet (stuffs hands in pants).
(MARI steps up and pushes LEO aside smacking her gum)
Mari: Hey hey heeey! This for you mama. (looks down at stomach) And my PorkRice babe-eee!
(three people in the crowd goes wild with applaud)
Speaker Two: Go Mari, go Mari, it's-
Speaker One: (singing along) It ain't your birthday, but that's okay.
Leo: But...Where are the other five contestants? I thought there were ten of us.
(SPEAKER ONE and SPEAKER TWO share a look)
Speaker One: Yeah, well they died on the way over. Looks like the only competition you have is this-
Mari: (Glaring at SPEAKERS) Go ahead and say it.
(sweat drop and silence)
Speaker Two: This wonderful lady. Let's continue onto the next and final and least round.
Leo: (in microphone to loudy) Seriously. Why are there so many seats?
Speaker One: Are ya'll ready for this?
(music plays and lights flash)
Speaker One: And...music off (music abruptly stops).
Speaker Two: This is the last and final round. Same rules. Loser goes home with nothing, but airfare debt.
Speaker One: (murmurs) How's that for karma?
Speaker Two: (to himself) Pesimist. (to MARI) This is your question (looks to SPEAKER ONE).
(MARI steps to the mic as LEO takes seat and fidgets)
Speaker One: Who was our president with polio?
Mari: (nervously) Can I have the definition?
(SPEAKER TWO mouths "what?"...SPEAKER ONE shrugs)
Speaker one: The president who had polio. Who was he?
Mari: Uh...(peeks at hand).
Medic: What are you looking at? What's that on your hand?
Mari: Excuse you?
(SPEAKER ONE and TWO looking on expectantly) (MEDIC hops on stage and takes MARI hand in his then holds up for SPEAKERS to see)
Speaker One: Wow... The things people do for money.
Speaker Two: Sorry. The correct answer was President Franklin Delano Roosevelt. FDR had polio.
Speaker One: Great man. Great man.
(MARI stand with mouth agape, then angrily stalks off stage)
(offstage): THAT'S STILL MY BABY!!
Speaker One and Speaker Two: We have our winner!
Leo: (steps to mic and says too loud): I didn't even do anything.
Medic: That's the beauty of it.
(everybody stops, and watches him walk off stage)
Speaker One: Who is that man anyway?
Speaker Two: (shrugs) Ask your mom.
(SPEAKER ONE and SPEAKER TWO bicker)
Leo: So what's the prize?
Speaker One: (pulls out a fake, but heavy metal with '#1' engraved on it, walks up to LEO and puts it on his neck) This (with smile).
Leo: But-but, what about t-the fivekay.
Speaker Two: Oh take it to the pawn shop and they should be able to give you reparations, I'm sure.
Speaker One: Right.
(remaining contestant[s] exit stage)
Speaker One: So where is the five grand?
Speaker Two: (winks) In my back pocket.
(SPEAKER ONE and SPEAKER TWO exit...Enter JUDGE ONE and JUDGE TWO)
(JUDGE ONE walks onto stage to desk rubbing his head and JUDGE TWO walks on rubbing her back; both are groaning)
Judge One: (tired) What happened?
Judge Two: (looks into the crowd) What? We've been had. That free booze was spiked.
Judge One: (rubbing temples) Yeah, and so is my head.