Fooled Once, Maybe Twice. | Teen Ink

Fooled Once, Maybe Twice.

July 16, 2015
By JayleenBean, NEW YORK, New York
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JayleenBean, NEW YORK, New York
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Favorite Quote:
"Nothing can surpass a human's curiosity." -Grisha Yeager

Author's note:

This story is about me and there is some foul language.


*Not edited, but it will be edited and uploaded again*


All in this story was true. Nothing made up. If you feel bad for me, don’t. I don’t even feel bad for myself. I learned a lot of things through my experiences and I thank God for that.

I still talk to R just fine and I plan on pursuing a friendship with him and actually meeting him in person. If you didn’t like my story, it’s fine. In the future when I look back on it, I’ll probably laugh and wonder why the hell I wrote it. But thank you for reading and enjoy your summer!

There’s a reason why mothers warn their daughters about boys. “Don’t be fooled by his charm, he’s only trying to get into your pants,” mothers say hoping it would dwindle down their child’s curiosity. If there is one thing I ever learned it is that there is nothing that can surpass one’s curiosity. It never did to mine and that is probably a mistake on my part. Good news is (kind of), I’m still a virgin.
I’m not attractive. At least, I certainly don’t think I am and I’m pretty sure 99% of boys would agree. My physical appearance does not even closely resemble a Kardashian or Jessica Alba, I’m just simply me. I’m a bit shorter than average, chubby (but hey, I’m trying to lose weight), brown hair, brown eyes, brown skin. I’m simple and I never once disliked the idea of being so, it allowed me to write this today. Because of the way I view myself, I never paid attention to a single word my mother shared with me about boys. My luck with them has never really been the best. I actually have a perfect example.
Three years ago in 2012 during my sophomore year in high school, I dated this boy. Let’s call him J since if this ever gets read by anyone but myself, I wouldn’t want to embarrass the poor kid. Besides, his name starts with a J, but so does mine. However, I’ll be calling myself Jay, with the “ay” attached to not make my reader confused. I swore he was just as into as I was into him and boy, did he put on a magnificent show. He was my first boyfriend and I gloated about him to my friends. “My very first boyfriend, guys!” (though I was talking to girls). They all wished me congratulations. But in the blink of an eye, it was over and J ended up f***ing me over. He dated me to make my best friend jealous because his feelings were really for her. Funny thing is, she knew and she didn’t tell me because she wanted me to be happy. But that happiness was false, so was I really happy for that month we dated? Fyi, he broke up with me the day we made a month. Now he’s with some other chick and they look pretty happy together according to the photos they have on Instagram. Hopefully she isn’t the rebound, though I doubt she is. Anywho, I’m happy for him and I genuinely mean that.
Long story short, that experience scarred me. I feel extremely uncomfortable walking around guys. Mainly because they whistle and tell me to bring my “fat ass” over to them. They’re truly talking about my ass, which in the right pair of jeans, looks pretty big. I’m afraid to socialize with boys, I literally monitor everything I say from a simple hello to answering their question about how old I am. I feel like my tone would push them away, but my attitude ends up doing that just fine. In the moment, I don’t have a problem sounding aggressive and scaring a guy away. Then when I get home, I cry and wonder why the goddess of love hates me.
I wouldn’t blame these growing boys if they didn’t like my attitude, my physical appearance enough is overwhelming. I would honestly admit that I don’t take care of myself the way I’m suppose to. I bite my nails a lot and usually a ton of girls my age (which is 17) are in the nail salon deciding what color to paint theirs only to chip it when they leave. I don’t blow my hair out every week or wear earrings at all. I hate romantic movies except The Vow. I’m not sure how that one actually got to me...but it did and I love it. I’m into super heroes, wizards, anime and video games. When I was younger, I would always want the latest Nintendo product. I had girly games here and there like “Hannah Montana” and “Bratz,” but I loved racing and puzzle games. I was weird. Still am.
So I see why boys aren’t exactly attracted to me. Sometimes, I act like a pig like them and sometimes pigs don’t want to mate with other pigs. They want...I don’t know, a cat? I feel like a cat is the best animal to use being that they seem superior and take extreme care of themselves. I don’t exactly mind that boys aren’t into to me as long as someone in the other sex is.
Did I mention I like girls too? So let’s fix my list. I’m into super heroes, wizards, anime, video games and girls. I probably didn’t mention it though since I believe in God and according to the bible, what I am isn’t right. But it’s nothing I can really control though I have been trying super hard to in order to maintain a stable relationship with God. I don’t really consider myself a Christian anymore because I am unaware of all the religions out in the world and I don’t want to tie myself down when there’s much to explore and see. That’s probably another reason as to why guys don’t like me, I’m a confused f***! Probably shouldn’t swear and put God in the same paragraph. Note to self: never again.
I warn guys, usually in the beginning of talking that if they want to f*** me over, to reconsider the dire consequences. Not that they’ll lose me, I mean, I’m cool and everything but probably worth no more than a penny. I tell them about J and receive, “Aw, I would never do that to you” and foolishly, I believe them! Then they go and turn their back on me and I’m back to stage one. Waiting for the fish to take the bait. However, whenever they turn their back on me, I’m not hurt. I would describe myself as a sensitive girl, but whenever these things happen, my heart doesn’t feel heavy. I feel nothing.
This time I wasn’t waiting at all. I had no interest in pursuing someone or starting something. I’m going to be starting college soon and I have plenty of other things to focus on such as becoming the best social worker in the world and that means I need space to work on myself. That vision remained until I received a DM or Direct Message on Instagram at two in the morning. A simple “hey.” I opened the message and the person who sends the message is notified when you see it. I debated for five minutes on what I should do. I opened the message five minutes after he sent it (great timing) and the more I debated, the worse it was because he probably thought I would never answer. Ultimately, it was between “f*** off” or “let’s give this a try and see how downhill it goes.”
I replied. “Hello.” A small conversation went on. I probably would have read this message at ten in the morning IF I didn’t wake up at two in the morning to pee. My bed time is around eleven. It’s not a set bedtime by my parents, but it’s around the time I pretty much give up and shut my eyes until the sun rises the next day. The person also has the option to delete the message and if that was done, I wouldn’t have been able to see that simple “hey.”
Unfortunately, the mysterious boy who “slid in my DM’s” name begins with a J too. So now you have three people mentioned thus far with their first names beginning with J. However, he enjoys being called something else, a shorter version of his name, which begins with an R. So, he will be known as R. Cool? Okay. So, R asked me how old I am, I’m 17 and he’s 18. Not too bad. I’m already at the age of consent so if something went down, it’d be totally cool. I think. Not the issue here.
I was writing to him for the half hour I was on the toilet. All I had to do was pee, but I just sat there because I was too lazy to go back to my room. We responded to each other pretty quickly, honestly I was surprised at how fast he was writing to me. We spoke from two to five in the morning, three hours of casual talk.  There’s only so much one can say to a person they just met and he finally asked the big question: “What were you doing up at the time I wrote to you?” I basically told him I had to use the bathroom and he laughed or so his “lol” in capital letters made me believe so.
Sadly, I fell asleep and that was the last thing I told him before doing so. When I woke up, which was about three hours later, I quickly grabbed my phone and saw I had a message from him. So he didn’t abandon ship, he continued to talk to me even when I thought that he thought that I was gross for telling him the truth about me peeing. I responded saying that I had fallen asleep, something along those lines and he said he had fallen asleep too but is glad he was able to talk to me and I quote, “not be like other girls who decide to be assholes and not respond.” One thing really crossed my mind and it was that he writes to girls often, oooooookay. But, he feared what I feared. Not being given a chance.
The private message wasn’t really the first time we interacted with one another. I went on a class picnic though there was not really much of a class there. There was this squirrel bothering us. I assumed it was hungry because it would go in circles and then proceed forward towards where an abundance of food was located. My former classmates tried scaring it away, but that poor thing deserved some affection even if it is carrying rabies that I could easily contract. I threw a brownie at it which it at first ignored. As I called the squirrel over, it smelled the brownie and took it and began eating it.
I panicked for a second thinking, if dogs can’t consume chocolate, what the f*** makes you think a squirrel can? I speedily searched for my phone in my bag and went on Google to search up whether or not squirrel’s could eat chocolate. After all, if it couldn’t, if the rabies didn’t kill it, the chocolate sure would and that would be my responsibility! Much to my surprise, squirrels are not affected like other animals by chocolate and there have been no reports on a squirrel dying from eating it. Then again, who really monitors squirrels eating chocolate? But I was relieved, the little thing would live to see another day for all I knew!
I had posted a video on Instagram. I recorded the squirrel eating the brownie and in the background I said, “Look, I did that! And if it dies, that’s not my fault because it had the choice to take that brownie.” This was before I googled that squirrels are chocolate resistant. I received fifteen likes on the video, one of them coming from R. He then commented with the crying emoji face and I said, “Squirrels gotta eat, meng.” Then a few a hours later, at two in the morning, he DMed me and everything you read before my squirrel tale occurred.
Getting back to what happened when I awoke that morning, I gave R my number. I didn’t feel like writing him through Instagram anymore because it was no longer notifying me when he wrote and I had to continue to refresh and that became a drag. We then began texting, talking a bit about each other and whatnot. The messages were consistent, sent one minute after the other. It wasn’t like we replied hours later.
Later that day, he had said he wanted to hear my voice. I find phone calls to be extremely awkward. I enjoy texting more, but video chatting is my primal way of communicating. I don’t like hearing people laugh on the phone, I like seeing it through the video chat because then I know it’s real. I feel like there’s just more of a connection through a video chat than a phone call, you know? But my friends don’t seem to understand when I sometimes receive phone calls at midnight though they know my deep hatred for phone calls. Eh, that's probably why they do it, to annoy the s*** out of me.
His voice and kind of deep. It was not like deep in the big blue sea deep, but it was deep. I felt like a gerbil talking to a moose considering how shy I sounded. I will admit, the phone call was extremely awkward and that was mostly because I refused to really talk. Either I see you in person or we videochat or we text or nothing. But we were on the phone for about a half hour until he had to board his train. We spoke about my sexuality and our beliefs. He believes he’s his own god, I thought that was both arrogant and stupid and then I wondered, why didn’t I just be an asshole and not respond?
I thought R was super corny for his ignorant comments. But then I realized, I had no right to judge him. I was just as confused. I can’t even identify myself religiously and at least he had it all sorted out by deeming himself a god. I would look at myself as a goddess, but I don't think I'm willing to take on the responsibility that the God I believe in has. Seems like too much work.
Our conversations were moved to another application, Kik. Pictures were being sent at a very slow rate through regular text messaging, so we had decided to talk there. I somewhat like kik a lot easier because you can tell when someone has read your message. I have an iPhone and unless someone with another Apple product has their read receipts on, I won't be able to see if they had read my message. With Kik, whether it's an android or iPhone, you can see someone has opened your message and choose to ignore you.
I'm terrible with meeting new people. Sometimes, I never even really know what to say besides introducing myself. But even that can only be done for so long. Even with my horrid social skills, I was able to talk to this boy perfectly fine and he had confessed to enjoying the conversation we were having. That made me smile. As I did mention earlier, my luck with guys is just extremely bad—but I was able to get someone to enjoy talking to ME! That's an outstanding accomplishment. We had been talking all day and unfortunately, my eyes gave out so this time, I wished him a goodnight and said, "I hope we're able to talk in the morning." He agreed and wished for me to have sweet dreams. Ugh, what a sweet boy. If I was any other girl, that would have made my panties wet!
Day two of chatting, the conversation was more lively. I don’t recall what was being spoken about, but it seemed great. I remember him saying again that he was glad to have met me, so the conversation must have been grand. Later that day, we spoke on the phone again and this time, it was longer. It was July 3rd, so naturally, we’d be talking about the Fourth of July and what we would be doing. He was off to spend it with his friends and family and I was just suppose to celebrate with family, but that didn’t happen and I’ll go more into it now. I don’t remember much about our conversation on July 3rd, so I’ll skip to July 4th.
At nine in the morning, I received a message from R. “Good morning” with one of the many smiley emojis. We spoke for a bit throughout the day since we were both pretty busy. Tidying up the house in case we were to have guests and he was just getting ready to go to his mother’s boyfriends house. We spoke on the phone for a bit again. I realized he only called me when he was boarding the train or exiting to head somewhere, not when he was at home or in a peaceful environment. It made me feel like a last option though we obviously spoke regularly. The conversation ended up being more awkward than the call we had on the first day. It was dry and that was mostly because I could barely hear him and didn’t want to ask him to repeat himself since he hates repeating. Also, he wasn’t even listening to what I was saying. My inner drama queen awoke in my head and I kept constantly telling myself, “this is the last supper with him, just embrace it.”
So the phone call ended on a bad note. Not that we argued just after two days of talking, but that after an extremely lively two days, the conversation just wasn’t there. I wrote to him apologizing how arid it was and he didn’t seem to mind it. He had just arrived to his mother’s boyfriend’s house and I had told him that he should settle in and he could just talk to me later. But he didn’t want me to go, he asked for me to say and I remained. Like a dog obeying its master, I stayed.

Shortly after, he stopped replying quickly. It made me kind of sad. I had convinced myself in my head that we would be spending the Fourth of July together...though he was stationed in Queens and I in Manhattan. It also pissed me off since I had stayed and he ended up leaving. It was around 8 P.M. when the fireworks started going off in Manhattan. Due to living in the Chelsea area with all the wealthy white people, I had a pretty good view of the fireworks. I have a balcony so I went out on it and watched the fireworks that was in the sky and reflecting from this building made of fine glass.
I was alone that night. Not entirely alone, my dog Prissy was there celebrating that patriotic day with me. I would have gone out with my parents, but I had these terrible blisters on the back of my feet and could barely move. However, I did go downstairs to get a better look of the fireworks. The streets were becoming more and more crowded and being that I easily become very claustrophobic, I went back upstairs where there was just me and Prissy.
I called R and he was quick to answer the phone. Weird since he wasn’t quick to answer a text message. He was quick to answer only to hang up just as quickly. He told me that he was with his family, however, in another language that would translate to, “I don’t want talk to you right now.” Or so my paranoid self thought. But after he hung up, we texted. Late around eleven at night, he told me he was going out to be a “delinquent with his friends.” I had no idea what that meant, but delinquents usually end up behind bars and that was the last thing I wished for R.
I didn’t like that he said that. In fact, it made the respect I had for him decrease a bit. I was concerned for his safety. It’s the Fourth of July and his 18 year old body features resembles one of a 14 year old. Anything could have happened since he looks easy to pick on. Luckily, nothing did occur and he made it home safe and sound and drunk. He called me and told me he was high and drunk and I cut the conversation short. That disappointed me. The last time I dealt with someone who was intoxicated, they ended up saying things they should not have said. I didn’t want to deal with that over the phone, so I said my goodbye, hung up and went to sleep.
There’s a lot that happened in between that is not worth mentioning, so I’ll skip to July 7th; our first argument. R and I were talking about drugs and whatnot, but I didn’t have much of an opinion on it considering I don’t do drugs or barely know anything about them except while same-sex marriage is legal in all 50 states, marijuana has yet been legalized. He told me he wished to smoke and I didn’t know how to respond to that. I wasn’t going to encourage him, but I wasn’t going to stop him either just because I didn’t think doing them was right.
That was until he had mentioned he would go out and be a “traplord.” Considering just a few nights before he was out being a delinquent, I didn’t know whether or not to take that remark as a joke. I didn’t even know what to come to think of it. The conversation played out like this (or at least along these lines):
Me: You’re kidding, right?
R: And what if I wasn’t? How would you feel?
Me: I mean, it shouldn’t matter how I’ll feel. It won’t stop you from doing what you do.
R: You’re right. If my mom accepts me for what I do, then I shouldn’t give a f*** about what anyone else has to say.
Me: Exactly.
R: What do you have against them?
Me: “Them?”
R: Drug dealers?
Me: I just think there’s more than being a drug dealer. Most are extremely intelligent and can easily get a job besides what they already do. I remember liking someone romantically and when he told he did that, my feelings faded. He was such a smart kid going down the wrong path and I didn’t want to really be apart of that.
R: That’s ignorant.
Me: What? Thinking there’s more to someone than selling drugs?
R: Nah, let me stay shut. I don’t want to ruin this friendship.
Me: You need to be open to other people’s ideas. Not everyone will agree with you all the time.
R: I literally just said I won’t talk about it anymore.
Me: Okay.
I shut up and now reminiscing on the conversation, I regret doing so. People’s opinions don’t upset me because we’re all bound to have different ones. I’ve been told by plenty of Atheists before that the idea of God is stupid and I’m naive for choosing to be brainwashed and believe in all the religious “crap” and that has never hurt me. It only upset me when they crossed the line and bashed what I believed in. Unless R was going to criticize me extremely, I wouldn’t have been upset. But he was the one being ignorant and blind to come to realize that.
That was our first and only argument thus far. We never spoke about smoking again like that unless he made a quick comment about feeling the urge to smoke. After that conversation, we both thought it was best to no longer talk for the day and try again the next. But little by little, just after a week and a day of meeting him, I kind of didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I wanted to be one of those asshole girls who opened his message, left him on read and just not respond. But I didn’t. I let the conversations we had after that day just flow.
The next day, July 8th, I didn’t wake up to the usual good morning message. Instead, I wrote to him. I figured I had pissed him off, so I wrote, “Still mad at me?” He had responded saying everything was cool and for some reason, I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t. We would have continued to speak even through that little incident if everything was cool. As usual, we spoke the whole day and everything was fine. I was getting this feeling that I usually get when I start liking someone more than a friend. I didn’t want to like him, I just met him! But sometimes, you just can’t control your feelings.
I don’t think I mentioned how beautiful his eyes are. They’re a lovely shade of blue, not too dark or not too light. I feel like he could easily seduce me if we met in person. I don’t think I mentioned that...well, now since it’s brought up, we have yet met in person. Even worse, I know. I bet you’re wondering how I could dare like someone I have yet met face to face. But it’s the same way long distance relationships work. Most of these people have significant others that live halfway across the world. Love comes in all different shapes, sizes, colors and...devices. But I don’t love R, I just like(d) him.
He sent me a video and I saw something shiny in his mouth. At first, I thought it was a cavity. “Ew, it’s 2015. They have white caps.” I asked him what the silver thing was and it just so happened to be a tongue ring. Sometimes, I have this bad habit of thinking and writing and all that was going through my head was hothothothothot. Subconsciously, I wrote that to him and he thanked me. He then asked me if I wished to see a “sexy video.” At first, I had no idea what that meant. But if complimenting someone meant being rewarded a sexy video, then I’ll compliment people more often.
The video was sent and my Internet decided to act up, so I got off of my wifi and used 4G (my bill is going to be high). I opened the video and at first, all I saw was his big, adorable nose. When I say big, I really mean big. Like I barely have a nose, sometimes people question how I breathe that’s how small it is. But I have a thing for noses of all shapes, so I still found it extremely adorable though it seemed to be approximately the size of my fist. I finally understood what he meant by sexy. In the video, first thing he did was lick his lips. Then, he stuck out his tongue. I could clearly see the metal object piercing in his tongue. Then he started moving his tongue around slowly. The message here was simple: he was eating imaginary pussy.
I won’t lie, I saved the video. It got me a bit hot too, but I controlled my urges since I was unfortunately on my period. However, I wrote to him “hothothothothot xinfinity” and he laughed and told me I could save the video and enjoy it. Good thing I was one step ahead of him and saved the video the second I finished watching it. 10 seconds of pure goodness that I could now enjoy for what I thought would be forever. Actually, I still have the video as I’m writing this.
The conversation turned a bit sexual. It was actually our first sexual conversation. R was saying all the things he would do to me and while I did enjoy reading what he wrote, it made me slightly uncomfortable. I felt like a little whore. R wasn’t my boyfriend, so there would be no way that I actually did anything with him unless he was. However, what made me so cramped up was that maybe he was talking to someone else the exact same way at the same time he was talking to me. So I simply sent emojis and said I was blushing rather than returning the favor and saying the things I would do to him.
I changed the conversation and asked what episode of Naruto Shippuden he was on. He was way behind and I wanted to talk to him about my favorite character, Neji’s death. I wish I recorded my reaction to when Neji died. A piece of me died. The thing about anime, something both R and I could actually agree on is that unlike reality T.V., you really can connect with these animated characters. That’s solely speaking for us though. We picture ourselves in the anime fighting along or attending a Japanese school and when it ends, we feel it’s the end of the world. But then we start a new anime and the cycle repeats. Our conversation flowed and then it ended like this:
Me: I want to sleep, :(
R: Sleep!!!
Me: But then...lmfao, nvm (nvm=nevermind)
R: Teeeeeeelll:
Me: Then I’d be leaving you, duh.
Notice something? No? Well, R left me on “r” and he quite frankly did not give a s*** if I left him. In fact, he made it quite easier for me by not responding. It actually pissed me off. I usually don’t say anything cheesy like that because I don’t know how the person with react. His reaction was A+. The conversation we had from July 9th to July 11th isn’t worth mentioning except on July 11th, R made me believe he liked me just a bit. Besides, I did want to keep this below 20 pages, so I’m going to keep my promise.
Skipping along to July 12th, the day it “all went down.” I confirmed it on July 10th that I felt something small for the kid. He was charming, he was extremely flirtatious, kind to me and he was attractive. Physically and his personality. I went to sleep at 1 A.M. and kept waking up every few hours. It’s something I do every summer. It wasn’t hot in my room because the air conditioner was blasting, but I guess I just couldn’t sleep. At 8 A.M., I officially woke up and the first thing I grabbed was my phone. My eyes were still stuck together because of how tired I was.
No usual good morning message. “Strange,” I thought. However, I did receive a notification message saying, “****** posted something on Instagram.” I didn’t recall ever turning his notifications on, Instagram probably did that as it updated the night before. So I clicked R’s username and I saw something that kind of tore me. A lock symbol in his biography. A lock symbol that I instantly knew was in no way for me.
I turned off his notifications and threw my phone across the bed. “Calm down, Jay. You don’t know what that means.” But I did know what that meant! That meant this whole time he was talking to ME and flirting with ME and being all endearing to ME, he was talking to someone else. Someone else who actually received the chance of being with him and that f***ing hurt. Right away, I remembered the first night we spoke. About all the fish in the sea and how one day, we would be catching the special one. He said: “I went to the pond and now that I’m talking to you, I have no intention of going back in.”
Liar. He lied to me throughout the whole duration of us talking. I wrote to three of my closest female friends, N, S and A. I told them about what had occurred and they did everything they could to help me. But it wasn’t working. Everything I read from all three of them, it wasn’t sticking. I ranted about how much I wanted to scream and kill him. How if he wrote to me, I would spazz out.
Hours passed and my energy just wasn’t there anymore. I felt hurt, numb, emotionally drained. I received a message from R. He wrote to me like everything was okay, like I’d never find out about this. I responded as civil as I could after ranting about how much of a savage I would act to my friends. Things however went smoother than I thought:
R: Hey.
Me: Hi.
R: Wyd?
Me: Finishing this show, you?
R: Dexter? And I just got off the train.
Me: Mhm. And oh, get home safe or wherever you’re going.
R: I will try.
Me: I hope you achieve, lol.
R: I shall.
Me: Touche.
After being left on read, a couple of minutes later I wrote to him again. I’ve been told by a countless number of people to always let what I feel out. I decided to finally take that piece of advice:
Me: Congratulations, by the way. Seems like you were able to find that fish!
R: Lol, kinda.
Me: Hopefully it works out for you.
R: Maybe?
Me: Why maybe?
R: I don’t know, nervous.
Me: Guess that means you really like her. I’m assuming that’s who you were on the phone with yesterday.
R: Yeah, it was here and yeah, I don’t know. I kind of do, I don’t know.
Me: Well again, hopefully it all works.
R: Hopefully, I don’t know.
He then changed the conversation to asking how my day was. Was he surprised I mentioned his “girlfriend?” I may never know. We spoke about drugs again since he was just so curious as to why I didn’t do them or why I looked down on people who do them. I again had to explain to him that I’m not interested in doing them because I take joy in other things and he continued to question me. It was actually extremely annoying almost to the point where if what he did already wouldn’t make me lash out on him, this trivia would. But it opened up an opportunity for me. That’s where I decided to say what I really want to.
Me: You know how you said you didn’t want to hurt me?
R: Yeah.
Me: Thank you for telling me that.
R: ?
Me: I helped me. After I saw that lock symbol, I didn’t know what to think. But then I remembered you giving me a heads up and saying you didn’t want to hurt me. So I’m less hurt and able to congratulate you on somewhat finding someone and I’m happy for you.
R: Thank you...I’m sorry if I did hurt you.
Me: It doesn’t matter now. You’re welcome.
R: :( ….
Me: There’s no need for the face, dear. I’m happy for you, so you should be happy too.
R: No, cause I hurt someone in the process.
Me: You did and it’s okay. I’m not upset nor do I dislike you.
R: I told you I didn’t want to hurt you. I hope you can be my best friend, I really do. I adore talking to you.
Me: I know you didn’t want to hurt me, but it happens. it’s okay. I just want time. Even as I’m telling you about this, it still kind of hurts.
Well, of course it was still going to hurt. Me finding all this out only happened a few hours ago.
R: :( ….
Me: Don’t be like that, R. It’s okay.
R: No, it’s not.
Me: It is okay. Don’t worry about me.
R: Why?
Me: Because I’ve been through this before and I’m still standing on my feet.
He never responded after that, but we did speak the next day and even the day after that perfectly fine. Even now, I’m still hurt. July 15th, he uploaded a photo of him and his “girlfriend.” “That could have been me,” I thought. But then I realized that if that were me, then his “girlfriend” would be me. He’d be two-timing and hurting us both. Then again, maybe he actually had no interest in getting to really know and see me more than a friend. I think we’re both at fault here.
I think I handled the entire situation maturely, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t affect me. I wanted to rage and yell, but over a boy? My mother would kill me. Besides, I know that even when (or if) I ever get into a relationship, the person I’m with won’t complete me. I complete me. The person isn’t my other half, they’re just mine and I’m theirs. It’s not the end of the world when things don’t work out because if it doesn’t work out now, that’s okay. In the future, it’ll come with ease in a better way.
There’s a reason why mothers warn their daughters about boys. “Don’t be fooled by his charm, he’s only trying to get into your pants,” mothers say hoping it would dwindle down their child’s curiosity. I never listened to my mother or any other woman figure in my life who told me about how boys are and that’s a mistake on my part. I was fooled once and maybe twice. But hopefully, there won’t be a third, fourth or fifth or however many people come in and out of my life.
Next time, I’ll just listen to my mom

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This book has 2 comments.

JayleenBean said...
on Aug. 14 2015 at 9:25 am
JayleenBean, NEW YORK, New York
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Favorite Quote:
"Nothing can surpass a human's curiosity." -Grisha Yeager

thank you so much!

on Aug. 12 2015 at 9:59 pm
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@JayleenBean i love your story