I want to tell you this but I know it would just ruin our relationship. And I don't want that to happen. I just want to slow down and take a step back. I don't know if you regret kissing me on saturday but i know that i wasn't thinking when it happened which is why i just let it happen. And i'm not saying that i didn't like it, i'm just saying that it all happened really fast and i wasn't ready for us to go that fast. I was expecting you to take it slower but now I know that you didn't want to. I just wish that I would have told you this then and not now. I know i said some things then. But I was just so overwhelmed by everything that was happening that day that I wasn't thinking about taking it slow and I wasn't thinking about what I was comfortable with. I was just going with what you wanted. And i know that you have really strong feelings for me but i just need to slow the heck down and find out who i am and how i feel about being in a relationship with you. And it's nothing against you, I just need time. And i know that you are going to understand this because i know that you just want to make me happy but i don't want to ruin my relationship with my parents. And i know that i said i was willing to risk that but i don't actually want to do that. I just learned that I need to have better respect for them and I need to learn how to respect myself and the people around me before I can jump into having respect in a committed relationship. Because I learned tonight that I can't have respect like that for someone I care about before I have respect for my parents and for myself and the other people around me.

I just hope that you don't get too worried that I'm not talking to you but I just need to slow down and take a break. I didn't realize that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I thought I was when I was asking you but I guess I wasn't. I'm sorry about this but I just need to take a break. I'm not ready to jump into a relationship that fast or do things that fast. I'm not saying anything bad about you but I just don't think that I'm ready to make things work right now. I still have feelings for you but I'm not sure if it's love or not yet. I promise that as soon as I am ready and I have learned about that respect and am ready to get to know you better, I will be there and I will tell you everything. I just can't be in that situation right now because I'm not ready as a person and I haven't learned how to open my heart up the right way. I've jumped into too many relationships way too fast and I don't want ours to end up like it did the last time. I know that you deserve better than that and I'm not sure if I'm ready to give you that yet. I just need some time and some space to figure it out. But as soon as i figure myself out and i figure out if i want to go ahead into this relationship, i'll tell you and i will be there for you. And I don't want you to think that I'm trying to just leave you because I don't want to be with you. Because that's not true. I do want to be with you, I'm just not sure if I'm ready for that kind of commitment right now. I just need space and I need time and I need to figure this out on my own. I'm really sorry but I'm just not ready for this right now. And I know that's exactly what you told me the first time. You told me that you werent ready. Now, it's the other way around. I'm the one that's not ready and I'm the one stepping away and taking a break from everything. And I know that this is what we were trying to avoid but I just can't let this go on because I don't want to let that ruin me and how I feel about people. When you talked about Natalie and stuff at the game, I felt something. And I can't put a name to what I felt. I just know that I felt something. And that should have told me that I wasn't ready. But it didn't. It took my mom telling my dad and them talking to me about it to realize all of this. I still try to think about you often but all that I can think about is how I just can't do this right now. I don't get that super happy feeling anymore. I just don't feel that. And that's what has told me that I need to step back and take a minute or two and realize what I want in a relationship and what I value in a person. And that is why I just can't be there in our relationship. I need to just stop. And I need you to realize that me stopping isn't the end all be all to our relationship. It's just a break. I just want you to know that when I'm ready and when I come back, I want to take it slow and back up and not talk about how much we love each other. Because even though it seems like it, you can't truly love another person if you don't truly know who they are. That's where I'm at right now. I thought that I loved you. Turns out, you're just another guy that I'm interested in and that until I get to know who you are again, and until you get to know who I am again, we can't jump into a serious relationship. That's just not how it works. And again, I'm sorry that this is what is happening, but this is what I need. I need to take time to figure out life. Being in school and having more responsibilities as a teenager is difficult. And I don't want to add to that list of difficulties. It's just too much. And I'm sorry that we tried to prevent this from happening and now it's happening, but I just can't get over the fact that you said that you don't care about what my parents think, all you care about is being able to talk to me and being with me. I just don't know if I can be with a guy who can't respect my parents and my family. It's just too hard to do. If you can learn how to respect my parents and learn how to respect what my family believes, then maybe I'll come back. I guess this is turning into more of a breakup and less of a taking a break. But if that's what needs to happen, then that's what needs to happen. I just can't do this right now where I'm at. It's too hard. And I don't need another hard thing in my life. I already have school and after school stuff that I need to worry about and I need to start learning how to help my parents with stuff and I want to start helping my dad with cleaning the garage out so we can move all of it over to the new house. And I can't do that unless I get my homework done. And I can't get my homework done unless I stop talking to you and stop thinking about you and all of that. I just need to focus on school and nothing else right now. It's not that my grades are bad, it's just that I need to not have any distractions so I can keep my good grades. And after school, when i start talking to you, i get distracted and my homework ends up not done or mostly not done. And again for like the millionth time, it's not anything you have done. It's me. I'm the problem and I need to stop and slow the heck down.

I know I sound like I'm being harsh and I know you're going to say that I'm being too hard on myself. That's not true. I might be being harsh but I'm not being too hard on myself. I'm doing what I need to do and what's right for me.. And I know that it makes no sense but this is what I need and this is what I want. I don't want to be rushed into something I'm not ready for and I don't want to feel like I need to be better and that I'm not doing this or that. I just need time and space away from people and friends that I don't see everyday. Being at school and having fun with my friends at school is what I want. I want to be able to free my life from distractions and the only way to do that is to ghost the people that I text all the time. The only way to do that is to not have to always be worrying about people and if i remembered to look at something or if i'm caught up with the current news. I just need to stop and take a break from people and other distractions that have to do with my phone. And I know this sounds crazy but when I had my phone, I was constantly getting distracted scrolling through the news and texting people. At one point, my phone was such a big distraction that I ended up getting it taken because people kept texting me and I kept turning it off. And every time my phone would vibrate, it would distract the people around me. I'm honestly kinda glad that my mom took my phone because now i don't have that distraction and i can focus on school and my homework and not be constantly worried about when i texted someone last or if they've texted me back yet or how long ago the responded and how long it's taken me to respond. And also i think a phone detox is the best way to disconnect from everything.

I just need to be done. I've given up. And I don't know what's going to change that. I just need to be done. And I've given up on even trying at this point. I'm done. You haven't really even crossed my mind today. I just absentmindedly started typing my thoughts during AC and just didn't quite know where I was going. I just started typing and ended up with 3 pages of just thoughts. I guess typing out my thoughts is better than trying to get people to listen to me. I've just always been the type of person to not want to talk to people so I just write it all out instead. And I know that sounds crazy but it makes me feel better to just write it out and vomit my thoughts onto a page without even thinking about what I'm saying. That's where all of this came from. Just wanting to get things out of my head. And now I'm on page 11 of just thought vomit. And I have no intention of stopping this anytime soon. I just came here to write whatever I need to. And that's what I like about being able to just get rid of all of my thoughts but not really get rid of them. I like being able to write them down so I can go through and read them and remember all of my breakdowns and heartaches and all of my issues. It just feels nice. And I like that feeling. And not really thinking about you today was not really a bad feeling. I just was too busy thinking about nothing. And then writing about that nothing. And then continuing to write about that nothing forever and ever. If i don't keep writing this, then i might just explode. I feel safe being able to write all my thoughts down in a document that nobody is ever going to see or read. Because that's how my brain works. I don't like sharing my thoughts with other people because I don't want to get judged. I never have liked to tell other people about my feelings. Because I don't want to get judged. And yes im gay. And i'm proud of that. But i haven't told hardly anyone because I'm too afraid to get judged. Because being judged is by far the worst thing in life. You never know what other people are thinking when they judge you but you always know when they are judging you. And I don't like that. I just want to be able to be out and proud. But I'm scared. I'm scared that people are going to say things and do things that hurt. And I'm not ready for that. Maybe I might come out to my small circle of friends. But maybe I won't. Because I don't know how many of them I can trust. And the last thing I want is for the whole school to know. Because I don't want that to come back and bite me in the ass. The world is a scary place. And I don't know if I'm ready to face it.