Each day it became harder to get out of bed, harder to function, harder to walk through those heavy school doors.  It was like a heavy gray cloud that never went away, a ship being tossed to and fro in a vicious hurricane. I was struggling to stay above each destructive crashing wave, yearning for a sliver of sunshine to claw its way through the oppressive forces of nature.

            The storm within couldn’t be stopped. From the depths of nowhere came the symptoms. Heavy and all at once. Something that started as normal, but never seemed to go away. Quickly becoming my new normal. My enemy. Struggling, fighting, barely surviving. Each day as it passed was a small victory within my soul. Just as a hurricane grows stronger, so did the illness within.
            Somedays the clouds seemed to shift but never enough to reveal the sun. Everything was dark and numb. This was not the usual way that numbness seemed to affect others thrown out to sea. This was different. The feeling in my legs was gone. But it felt like I was still trapped in this hurricane. It was stretching out far in front. Others came. Soon my own stomach fell victim to the storm. Rejecting me, turning against me. But that wasn’t all. A thick fog steeped in. Simple tasks felt like trying to overcome a thirty-foot wave. Violent, crushing, and overpowering. Headaches came and went but always returned. My body was fighting itself. It was like I was being thrown against a rocky cliff over and over. Even with the strong winds and heavy waves my eyelids seemed heavier. The urge to sleep was stronger than the wind. Much stronger than the waves. My energy could only hold the storm at bay long enough to walk through the heavy school doors. People never understood. Friends adding to the torrential rain and crashing waves. Though I never had the strength to even consider braving the storm for longer than I had to. Others thought that this storm was just a light and drizzling rain that would pass quickly. Understanding the harshness of the storm was impossible for my peers. But my own pain made it impossible for me to care what they thought.

Even professionals felt the storm. Never stronger than a soft breeze. Not understanding and not believing. Questions circling.  While some managed to feel the fiercest winds, they could not grab the truth hiding deep within the sea. Tossed to and fro again and again barely grasping at a passing notion. No one could comprehend the crashing waves. Not the way I could. It was like my hand was pushing through the jarring waves and others were reaching for it only to be pulled in the opposite direction before any real progress was made.

Another day spent on the floor. Another day of school missed. Another crashing wave, the storm growing stronger. Was there ever going to be an end in sight? I wondered. I hoped so. Was there ever going to be an answer to the crushing waves? Another day spent in a cold sterile room with the blinding white walls that seemed more crushing than the waves. Blankness staring back at me. Another prick and drop of blood. More tests, still no answers. Another doctor who couldn’t feel the harshness of the ever present and growing hurricane. The choking uncertainty like lungs filling with salty water. Salty water leaking from my eyes. A worrying mom standing like a lighthouse trying to guide the wind tossed ship back to land. Another strike of lightning illuminating the increasingly dark sky. Never enough to fully overcome the demoralizing darkness. Would the storm ever fully dissipate? Would the sea ever cease to tear itself apart?

            Finally, it happened. The warm light began to radiate. Finally. Spring was approaching, and the daffodils were emerging through the cold hard dirt. A glimmer of hope that the storm had passed and was gone for good. Normal life was within reach again. Doctors finally felt the storm. And had a name for it.

            Only it was a façade much like the eye of the storm.  The calm before the worst is to come. A false hope. The wind was stronger. Stronger than it had been before. Beating against everything, trying to suffocate what semblance of normal life remained. The war inside was raging again with dark clouds pushing down even more than ever before. Life couldn’t continue like this, somewhere the sun had to break through the foul oppressive clouds. But it was nowhere in sight. Hope was quickly diminishing. My hands were stretched out reaching and tearing at the fleeting emotion. It was never quiet enough. The storm was still making itself known. 

            With each passing day, a small glimmer of hope seeped through the clouds. Slowly, very slowly, but just enough to give me a glimpse of life before the storm came crashing down. A new doctor. A new way of approach. A new light within. I felt excited for a new beginning. Maybe one day I would be able to feel like a newly hatched butterfly, ready to face the future in a new, perfect functioning body. Maybe the fierce winds would diminish? Would they stay away? For good? Maybe my body would heal?

            Though the lightning still strikes and the crashing waves still come, it’s better than before. Most days, the clouds part and I can feel the sun. I can feel like I am on top of the waves. The fiercest winds have diminished. Though they make reappearances, I am able to escape them for a moment. Able to escape the feeling of not being able to move. I have strength. I am able to make footprints in the sand.