I drop the phone to the ground, it seems like the noise of it hitting the floor echoes. Over and over and over. No tears stream down my face, I’m too numb to cry. The words of the doctor repeat in my head. Over and over and over. My first thought goes through my mind a thousand times; Is mom dead? She’s bound to die.

I slide on my shoes after falling to the ground and lying there for too long. Stepping outside, I feel the rain hit me hard. I rush back inside and grab my yellow rain jacket. The crisp hood pulls my long, auburn hair back behind my ears. Fumbling around in my pocket for my keys, I feel the first tear roll down my cheek. At least there’s one slightly good thing: I can cry.

I grip the steering wheel in my hand as tight as I can. Which isn’t very hard, all I can feel is pain. The pain that my mother felt for so many years. The pain that my sister felt when she swallowed those pills. The pain that my father felt when he left me… at least I hope he felt that. I gulp back all the tears I can. The silence envelopes me and leaves me alone with my thoughts.

I’m alone.

I have no one anymore.

I don’t know why I try.

What’s the point?

No one needs me anymore.

No one needs me.

No one needs me.

I give up.

I grip the steering wheel harder as I make my way to the hospital. The hospital where I’ve been so many times, too many times. The sign to the entrance, at least for me, is like a sign that says, “Hey you! Welcome to the place where everyone you love dies!”

I park. In my usual spot. Trembling as I get out of the car, I stumble into the hospital.

“Hi…” I stutter to the lady at the front desk, “I’m here to see…. Uh… Madison Quaves…” I swallow the lump that’s forming in my throat.

“OK.” The lady smiles, “You’re all set… You are Kenidy Quaves... Right?” I nod. “Room 213b.” Walking up the stairs, I feel my conscience tugging at my ears.

Alone.

Alone.

She’s gone.

The only person who ever loved me at all is gone.

Dead.

Alone.

No one would notice…

If you just slipped away.

No one would care.

Why not?

I reach for the handle of room 213b. Pushing open the door slowly, the first thing I see is a group of doctors with nervous, scared masks portrayed on their faces. Quivering, I step into the room. No one even turns a-head.

No one cares.

She’s gone.

She’s gone.

I walk further into the room and see mom. Lying there, her skin pale and ghostly. Who is this woman? She’s not the woman who battled cancer for 5 years, miraculously proving that she could live longer than the year that the doctors expected. She’s not the woman who cradled me and cried with me when my sister killed herself. She’s not the woman who stayed strong after the love of her life left, for me. She is not the woman I know.

All of a sudden, the monitor starts beeping loudly, quickly, intensifying much too fast. Mom starts to shake and her eyes roll to the back of her head. She looks like a zombie.

No one cares.

No one ever will care.

No one ever did care.

The monitor beeps faster, faster. Mom shakes more and more. The beeping shouts in my ear almost as much as the thoughts devouring me. I can’t take it anymore. The intensifying noise greatens as blood streams out of mom’s mouth and ears. She’s screaming breathlessly, like a last hope. The last hope for mom. And me. The chart is rapidly making wild shapes that scare me by even just the sight of them.

Then it all stops.

Before I know what the stopping means I rush out the door, away from the doctors, away from the pale, ghostly, woman who I don’t know. Who I never knew. Rushing up the stairs to the roof, I start to breathe quickly.

Who do I think I am for thinking anyone could ever love me?

The voices love me.

The voices are the only things that ever loved me.

The voices know what to do.

The voices will always love me.

No one cares.

The thought screams like a siren in my head. No one cares. No one cares. The voices whisper cries into my soul, into my brain, into my veins. The voices tell me all. The voices tell me what to do… to be loved. I push through the door and onto the roof. The cold air seeps into my lungs and whips against my face. The rain splatters onto my hood. The hood that I will never see again.

No one has ever loved me.

They’ve all left me.

I’m not enough.

No one cares.

No one cares.

NO… ONE… CARES!

I convince myself of the thought more than I’ve ever believed in anyone or anything. I believe in the voices more than anything else. They are the only things that will ever love me… that has ever loved me.

I reach my head, ripping off the hood. A fist full auburn hair in each hand, I grab my hair and tug as hard as I can. A searing pain fills all of my scalp, covering it. The pain… the pain feels good. I need it. I need more.

No one ever cares.

No one ever cares.

Everyone hates me.

I should leave,

The voices tell me I should.

Tears streaming down my eyes, I walk up to the edge of the building. Looking down, I see the drop of a lifetime. 20 stories aren’t very short. It’ll do the job, the voices tell me.

I love you.

I know what’s best for you.

You just have to take one step.

The voices caress me in their gentle grip. I willingly embrace them. They love me. Like no one ever has.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

No one cares.

I do.

I care.

I’m the only one who cares.

The voices seem to push me toward the ledge.

“No!” I’m interrupted by a doctor coming up. Ignoring him, I give in to the voices.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I care.

Do what I say.

I love you.

Jump.

I take a step forward, the voices help me.

“The voices love me!” I scream as I fall back. The doctor watches in horror.

Huh. I see my car.

Goodbye car.

Goodbye yellow rain jacket.

Goodbye, mom.

Goodbye world.

Goodbye life.

I smile, welcoming the satisfaction of death.

I smile, ready to meet the voices.

They love me.

They love me more than mom ever did more than my sister ever did.

Because only the voices love me.

They understand me.

I love the voices.

The voices love me.