THE APOCALYPSE – Elkhart, Indiana currently celebrates its 1-year anniversary of being the only town in the world to survive the Fish Virus. The town’s survival is primarily credited to three individuals, Jamal Crawford, DeMar DeRozan, and Zaza Pachulia. Each of them has been crucial in not only the town’s survival, but the its lack of issues as well. Before we go into their stories, a recent top-secret government file has identified the sole cause of the apocalypse. A transcript of the interview is below.

“This is an interview between Agent Williams and Kevin Durant. Durant a prime suspect for the events known as “The Fish Virus” across the world. At the time of the event, Durant was a toxic waste management employee at ChemCo Chemical Research in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. This interview will address the following issues. We will ask you a few basic questions to ensure the polygraph is working. Are you Kevin Durant?”

“Yes.”

“Is today Monday?”

“Yes.”

“Am I wearing a red tie?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, the polygraph is working. My first question is what were your responsibilities at ChemCo?”

“I was a toxic waste management employee. My job was to transport the toxic waste from the Research Facility to the Waste Storage Facility. The road between the two was winding, narrow, unpaved. It was this way because the environmentalists though chopping trees down and building roads would be ‘harmful to nature,’ even though our website says that we plant six trees for every one we cut down.”

“My papers tell me that on the day of the event, your truck hit a large rock, causing three barrels of toxic waste to fall into a nearby river populated with rainbow trout, carp, and other fish?”

“That is correct.”

“How did this happen?”

“I was on Tinder and Instagram. You see, it had felt easier for me to go through Tinder and text girls instead of going outside and trying to have an original conversation with them. I had put some serious work into my Tinder profile and results were starting to show. On this particular drive, I had gotten a particular text from a woman who…let’s just say she was on the app for the same reason that I was. I was on her Instagram profile when the truck hit the rock and the barrels went into the river.”

“Is it true that this spill created a rainbow trout that featured humanoid legs in replacement for fins, sharp teeth, and a taste for human blood?”

“You can’t forget that its legs were also covered in the same scaly skin as its body.”

“Is it true that this fish bit one of your coworkers, and this coworker later exhibited symptoms of the virus known today as ‘The Fish Virus?’”

“Yes, and it was almost me instead.”

“What do you mean?”

“When the fish walked out of the riverbank, I knew it was time to go. I got a quick video of it for my Snapchat first. No one would have believed me if I had no video. Then the fish started running towards me. I got into my truck safely, but soon ran into a problem. I didn’t know how to get back and the fish was biting away at the door. I had always used my phone’s directions to get to the storage facility, and had never looked at what I was driving by. With my head up, the world seemed a completely new place. I managed to get back to the facility, but the fish had latched onto the tailgate of the truck, I had forgotten to put it up. When I got to the facility, I got out of the car and told everyone to run, but the fish was too quick for little Steve Nash. May his soul rest in peace.”

“Is it true that this virus was spread through people, originating with Steve Nash, and that this virus is identical to ‘The Fish Virus?’”

“Yes.”

“Is it true that this virus has caused humans to exhibit extreme aggression, bluish skin, and cannibalism?”

“You can just call them zombies, bro.”

“That is all the questions we have for you.”

The Fish Virus took over our world. We have lost billions to the virus. Loved ones, friends, pets, and worst of all, TikTok. Almost all technology became obsolete and seen as unnecessary for survival against these zombies. The next three people share their stories on how they managed to survive the virus:

JAMAL CRAWFORD – Jamal Crawford, 37, is the mayor of Elkhart. Since his founding of the town, he has been the only person to find a cure to the Fish Virus, solve racism in his society, and lose 600 pounds in 4 weeks. His story is below:

“I first heard about the virus on the news. That was all I used to do, sit around on my phone or watching TV, and that’s what made me 800 pounds at the time. However, this topic on the news struck me. I called my brother, who was a self-made millionaire, and asked him what he thought about it, because he always has good ideas. He told me that it seemed serious and the we should find out more about it. I asked him how. He told me to get off my phone and find the facts. The next day I snuck out of my house at dawn to go to the library. Zombies filled the streets, but they dissipated as I got closer to the library. When I walked inside the library, I was met by 2 other people, DeMar DeRozan and The Bone Collector. They had a stack of books on a desk and invited me over to talk to them. They told me that the best way to defeat the zombies was to get informed. They looked like nerds, but I went back a few more times before I made the breakthrough in our knowledge of the virus. I found out about piscicides in a local fish farm’s report. Piscicides kill fish, and since the fish started the virus, there had to be some fish DNA in every zombie. I gave this letter to a quarantine officer, and it made its way up in the rankings. I was soon escorted to meet with the President of the United States. He asked me how I had found this out, and I told him that I had read about it. He looked over at one of his officers, who shrugged and said ‘I didn’t think to look past my phone.’ He asked me to build a safe haven, and I told him I couldn’t do it without DeMar and The Bone Collector. He told me I was scheduled to leave in four weeks. I was hesitant to leave at first. What made me ready was my neighbor. Once our town’s power went out, he couldn’t do it; he told me that he had gone too long without scrolling through Instagram or watching people build pools on YouTube in timelapse. At the time, we were mandated to stay inside by the government. He couldn’t handle not having his phone anymore. He drove out of his house to get power banks for his phone and was attacked by thirty zombies. I decided to figure out how to lose 600 pounds before I was to be escorted, that way I could move out of my chair once they got here. I did just that once I read about the science behind it. Four weeks later, DeMar, The Bone Collector, and I were escorted out of our town and to ElkHart, Indiana.”

DEMAR DEROZAN – DeMar, 22, is Commander for the Zombie Task Force, a group of soldiers who defend Elkhart from zombies. DeRozan and his team have killed over six million zombies, solved climate change, and converted a few zombies to Christianity, rendering them harmless. His methods of combat are unorthodox but have proven to be successful. His story is below:

            “Way before I was called to defend Elkhart, I was in the library. I had gotten tired of high school and decided to start reading about other stuff. I felt like such an outsider there. My father committed a felony, and instead of going to jail the government offered to never let me have a phone as punishment. It may have been unfair, but I credit it to my survival. The library was a place where I could learn without being judged for not having a phone. I soon found out that I had learned a lot more things than my peers, even though they were going to school. None of them are alive today. When I was called to defend Elkhart, I had to find out how these zombies were behaving and how we could defeat them. I had read many books about combat and zombies, but I had to see them in person. What was surprising was how easy it was to do this. The majority of the zombies are what we call ‘bent-necks.’ These zombies were bitten when they were looking down at their phones, and their heads miraculously stayed in place. These zombies can only see about 5 feet in front of them and about 6 feet high. It was incredibly easy to kill them. All we did was take Crawford’s piscicide and spray it on them from up in the trees. Sometimes we saved the last one to see if we could play with it. We would write things like “fake news” or draw the Instagram logo on a piece of paper and throw it on the ground near the zombie. It would always go crazy over the paper. In addition to that, we had a priest and a farmer on our team. They’ve helped us solve climate change through proper agricultural practices, as well as feel the presence of God through readings of the Bible, which were pretty easy to do. I believe what got us here is the fact that we were reading.”

THE BONE COLLECTOR – The Bone Collector, 25, was responsible for gathering information for the town and distributing it. At the time of the interview, electricity and Internet had not yet become available in Elkhart. The Bone Collector had to go out on missions across American to collect books and information from libraries and government facilities. In addition to that, he used to power of science to make himself a superhero with the ability of flight, and he has created a method of time travel. His story is below:

            “DeMar and I were always in the library. We thought reading was fun and useful. I’ve never used calculus when going out on missions to find more books for the people of Elkhart. When I met with DeMar and Jamal, we discussed our roles in building this future town. I was responsible for getting more information for the town, because we believed that we would stay ahead if we were the most informed. I assembled a team of three former US Navy SEALs and three former high-school athletes who were really good at Call of Duty Zombies. The Call of Duty kids were crucial to our success. Say what you want about video game kids, they provided crucial input on how to avoid the zombies, and how to deal with them if it was necessary. Their strategies were often thought of on the spot. Because we got books from places across the country, these places often needed differing strategies. This was no struggle to them. One time I got too close for comfort to one of those bent-necks. It was peculiar; its neck had a huge bone sticking out, it walked in short steps, and it often ran into corners. It had on AirPods, and couldn’t seem to hear that I was right behind it. I threw a piece of food about 10 feet in front of it, and it didn’t find it until it had walked about six more steps forward. These five-foot-tall, unbalanced, slow zombies had taken over our world. Anyway, the missions we went on always went the same way; there were more zombies in the middle of the city, but there was none of them at the libraries. This was a weak point. It didn’t matter what kind of library, if it had the word ‘library’ in its name, they weren’t there. Sometimes we would have to jump from rooftops to get to these libraries, because the streets were so heavily filled with zombies that they would move like a fluid. Once we got to the library those ground-staring things seemed to disappear. And this was every time. The people who populate our town don’t have bent necks. We miraculously chose one day to put our phones down and to open our eyes, and that has allowed us to survive. And yes, we all do miss TikTok, but if we had been on it when the zombies had come to our respective towns, we would be the things DeMar and his team play with. I just find it crazy that the books were there the whole time. Some people were scared of them. Before I left college, I used to sit on a bench and watch people walk by with their heads down on their phones. I would call their attention and open a book in front of their face, and they would get scared and try to run away. Those were some of the best chases of my life. I guess it’s karma that I run from them now.”

            Without the contributions of these three individuals, Elkhart wouldn’t be here today. These three have continuously reviewed information from books and other documents to keep our town ahead of the game and secure. The town is currently working on a weapon of mass destruction to start clearing cities for repopulation. The weapon projects a hologram of false information, short-form video content, and highly edited pictures of the world. The weapon is called “Anti-Reality.” Scientists are saying that it is “just mind-numbing enough” to attract zombies to its proximity before it detonates and wipes out anything within a half-mile radius. Unfortunately, some scientists have fallen for its trap and have jumped the fences of Elkhart to look for phones and chargers. Most have not been seen since they left.