I lay on the carpeted floor of my grandmother’s upstairs attic, staring at the ceiling as I awaited my fate. The wood-paneled walls of my childhood play space put me at ease as my last breaths settle to a low hum. My once stiff body relaxes, my hands unclench, and my fingers bloom like the yellow peonies in my grandmother’s garden. I’ve played this game so many times, yet this occasion feels different. This is my last. The two-minute game has turned into three. In three minutes, I have withheld the next breaths from entering my body. Not an urge, but the mere thoughts of death have left me aroused. My body continues to release tension until there is nothing left to fight. Each second, I remain closer to the feelings of my mother and to that dreary hospital bed where I saw her limp body lay two years ago. I never wanted to take her place, only to know how it felt in her final moments. Subsequently, the two-minute game began. I lay my body parallel to the green velvet couch where I spent the majority of my teenage years, its broken leg collapsing on me every time. My mind is drifting; let me be. I take my last gulp of light and then stop. I do not allow myself another helping of the light I so desperately seek, just to see how she felt. The three minutes evolve into four. A new record, but I have no time for Guinness as my eyes flutter shut. The once-clear green couch in my peripheral turns hazy. I try to hold on and tell my mind to wake me up, but I’m too far gone. I’m not ready to be with my mother, or maybe I am.

“I love you, for so many reasons.” My final thoughts float in the wind. Everything turns black.

  I felt the heat on my face before I had even awoken. A bright light was beaming on both temples, a reminder that I was indeed alive. That’s when I heard the voice, not aloud but in my mind. I opened my eyes to the rays of light casting down on me and, in the distance, saw a shadow moving. I stood upright and walked the bricked street. I now realized I was lying. Where was I? My hands touched the bricked street, the sky was engulfed in a fortress of clouds. I turned to absorb my surroundings in awe. What in the world happened? I open my mouth to call out for someone, but no sound comes out. I try again, but no note comes out. That’s when I noticed the shadow that I observed when I was first awoken had moved closer. Still, I could see no face, so I tried to speak again. Nothing. 

A loud voice boomed in my head,"Do not be afraid!” Frantically, I scan the area around me, but with no voice or understanding of where I am exactly, my fears fill the emptiness my voice left. The voice keeps shouting in my head, “Do not be afraid!” but I find the anxiousness of not knowing who is before me invokes a dizzy spell. Slowly but surely, that shadow continues to inch forward until the being is no longer a shadow but stands prideful. Floating at the length of a field goal, the most hideous creature I have ever seen stares right back at me. A winged animal with four eyes and a burnished bronze glimmer peers back at me. Frozen in place, the animal blinks at me and shouts to my mind,"Do not be afraid!” A light headedness takes over and my body starts to slowly fall back; I feel my body drift into the cloak of darkness again.

I hear the water before I notice the animal in front of me. Or “angel”, I guess I should say. Nan always told me to never believe the church and their depictions of the supernatural. She would scorn,“You better listen, nah. These angels are to be feared; they are not your friends.The guardians of heaven is what they are; you better treat them with some respect if you in they presence.”

It takes everything in my power to remain humble toward this “angel” that Nan warned me so frequently about.

“Follow me.” translates the angel.

Hurriedly, I got up from my previous position and jogged slightly to keep up with the angel. The water I heard was coming from the slapping of the water hitting the surface of the lake upstream. It's beautiful and serene, almost enough to make me forget the entity I trail behind.

“Do not be afraid!” repeats the angel before disappearing into nothingness.

Whilst in confusion, I see a familiar person standing before me. It is my mother. The ghost I have spent the past two years missing and speaking to in the awkward silences at Nan’s house.

I run to her, and she runs to me when she realizes it's me. "Mom,” I translate,"how is this even possible?” The tears began to take their long trails down both our faces. My mother grabbed my face slightly hard and touched her forehead to mine. “How I have missed you my child, but it is not your time to be with me,” she said, “you need to leave this place; it is not your time.”

"No,” I translate, “I want to be with you” . The tears are flowing harder than ever now. I lost her once, and I won’t do it again.

“What about Nan, your friends, and the rest of our family?”

“They will be okay.”

“You must go now. Hurry,” mom screams

She tries to pull me away from her body, but I hold on to her waist for dear life. I will not lose her again, not this time.

Our tug of war pushes me close to the edge of the lake. I scream bloody murder for her to stop.

“I’m sorry, my love.”

With one last kiss to my temple, she releases me, plunging me into the water.

The lake is strong, and I can't hold on any longer. Its force was too powerful for me to fight its coursing waves. The cage of darkness envelops me again.

I wake up in my place of comfort. My eyes adjust to my new setting after a previous fight for my life. I touch my arms, neck, and legs as an indication that I'm not dreaming. I touched my face to see if everything is intact, and I find my face still wet from the tears I offered to my mother

“What in the world just happened?” I yell.