“Congratulations!” said God, rocking a sick pair of shades as he descended from the golden staircase, holding his arms wide as he looked at me in pride. “You’re the only one to escape the mega-hell-death!”

I looked around in confusion, pointing to myself upon not seeing anybody else around. God laughed joyously, patting me on the back. “Yes, you! You’ve done well. You’re the only one worthy of staying here on Earth with me!”

“What did I do to deserve this?” I asked, looking up at him. I was honestly too shocked to be in awe of God at the moment.

“What didn’t you do is the question!” He replied, moving to stand in front of me. “There’s something you didn’t do that every other person did that saved you from the mega-hell-death!”

“What was it?” I asked, in awe at myself from somehow holding back from this heinous act.

God gave me a soft smile, a twinkle in his eye. “You didn’t kick any elephants.”

I paused, my brow creasing as I gave him a funny look. “Kick… elephants?”

“Yes! You, and you alone, held back from kicking any elephants in your lifetime!”

“And that saved me from the…?”

“The mega-hell-death, yes.” He finished for me, nodding.

I shook my head, incredulous. “I just, I really don’t think there were all that many people that kicked an elephant.”

“Nope! Every other human did it! I don’t make mistakes.” He said confidently, waggling his finger.

“Even the babies?”

“Especially the babies.”

“It just doesn’t make any sense, I guess.” I said, a little unsure and shrugging my shoulders.

“Well, they are the lord’s animal you know.” He clarified, like that made it any simpler. 

“I didn’t know that, actually,” I said a bit hesitantly, not embarrassed to have not known this about elephants. “Why them?”

“I find the tusks very attractive,” God stated plainly as if it were a common observation.

 I shrugged. Why question God? He made the animal, after all. “Uh, okay then. I just- was I really the only one to not kick an elephant? I feel like I know a lot of people who haven’t even seen one. And, I mean, I just find it really hard to believe the babies-”

“SILENCE,” God bellowed, the sky cluttering with dark clouds and lighting as an ominous thunderclap sounded behind him. “I know what I have said! It is you and you only.”

I looked at him warily, slightly unnerved at the sudden display of dominance. “Right. Yeah. Even the babies.”