It was dark outside and besides the dim light of the moon peering through my shades and a small lamp on my desk, the darkness carried into my room. The sound of the album Midnight Memories by One Direction spinning in my old CD player was the only thing that kept me awake. I was scribbling down the equation to find water potential in my AP Biology notes, when I heard the creaking of stairs getting louder. Soon there was a knock on my door. 

“Hey Lexi, will you come downstairs? We need to talk,” my mom said, forcing a smile. She led me downstairs where my father and sister were waiting. Keira had a puzzled expression and shifted her attention from her algebra 1 worksheet over to me, unsure of what was going on. My father sat looking at the floor, not making eye contact. I saw my mom’s eyes brimming with tears as she began to explain the situation. 

“Your father and I decided that it would be better for our family if we got divorced,” my mom revealed. I feel like I should’ve expected it, but I was still caught by surprise. I was frozen in my seat as my mom continued. I could hear my sister sniffling and saw my dad squirming in his seat. 

The knowledge that he and my mom didn’t have an anniversary trip --in fact, they argued whenever they were within 20 feet of each other-- robbed me of the momentary comfort. It hit me hard because I couldn’t imagine my parents not being in love after 18 years of marriage. Divorce was a hard thing to go through, especially in high school while managing so many responsibilities. I spaced out for the majority of the conversation and eventually ended up back in my room.

Back at my desk, I unpaused my music and tried to bury myself in my homework, but when I heard Don’t Forget Where You Belong come on my CD player, I was overcome with emotions.

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Don't forget where you belong, home / If you ever feel alone, don't / You were never on your own / And the proof is in this song. 

The One Direction lyrics came at the perfect moment; it was everything I needed to hear. I was not exactly sure when my love for music started, but I know that listening to that song in this life-altering moment only enhanced my passion for music. 

Over the years, I had fallen in love with collecting CDs, watching music videos and late-night interviews of my favorite singers, and scrolling through Pinterest with my airpods in. Spotify became one of my closest friends. Unlike my parents, I didn’t think that CDs or concert tickets were a waste of money; they were the keys to unlocking some of my favorite memories.

I think that if you went through my playlists, you would know me inside and out. I have always been very specific about my music selections, matching specific albums or artists to different emotions I feel. If I am happy, you can find me listening to more upbeat music such as Made In The A.M. by One Direction, 1989 (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift, or emails I can’t send by Sabrina Carpenter. When I am stressed or sad, Lana del Rey or Louis Tomlinson’s album Walls is my panacea. In the days following my parents’ announcement, the latter was on more often than not. Even though I knew I had people who loved and supported me through this hard time, I leaned on music instead. I didn’t have to tell the music about the arguing between my parents late at night, or explain how when I saw the garage light go on, I knew my dad would be there to escape my mom. The music didn’t ask me whether I could smell the alcohol on my dad’s breath when he said goodnight to me, if he was home by then. 

As I went to bed that night, lost in my thoughts and emotions, I played To Be So Lonely by Harry Styles on my CD player. I watched as the garage light clicked on before I shut my eyes.