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She had already stopped listening patronizing herself for ever listening to him and his friends and she was angry. With him, with heather, with herself, the world in general offended her at the moment its very heart beat of life like his sick words made her cringe. The silly child she was she fought it but she had no power over anything that happened from here on it he took that power from her. Much like other men have done in the past. they spent one last day at the mall together she tried to act like it wasn’t different she kissed him and he kissed back but at the end of the day he left to go to her . she breathed deeply closing her eyes she thought back.
Blue crystals, his eyes looked like chipped ice in such a sweet pallid face. She had always loved how abnormality was so rare. Blue eyes, raven black hair the odd mix was uncommon it was uniquely Wilhelm. As she got to know him he was a kind soul and very humorous. His friends were very accommodating when she started to hang around them. Granted in a way she was using them to get to him. He seemed timid about her when she started to talk to him in the mornings before class. He didn’t make moves first so she decided to take control show that she was interested in him, in that “ more then just friends” kind of way that was so taboo.
Talking to him after school she fallowed him to his car talking to him before she had to go to a German club meeting she asked for his phone number.
“I was going to ask you for yours but I was nervous I wasn’t sure what to do “he said that night when they spoke. This made her laugh the fact that he wasn’t very forward like most of the men she was used to being around in her life. To a point she liked it but something about it made her really uncomfortable with the idea of becoming involved with him, His cautious behavior about choices. Was that what he was like in all of his choices, if so what will happen if they do get together and he is asked to make a very big choice in regards to her in a time of need or pressure?
As the days slipped by asura fell in to her normal, trying to pull all emotion out of her life. She spent the longest time she had been single, a seemingly insignificant two months but to her having refused to stay single for more then a week or two at a time this was noteworthy. She built her walls back up self medicating and trying to make it go away. She would see him every once in a while, at the school to visit friends, at the store where he worked and it only made it hurt more. So she started to date again which made matters much worse going back to the older men she always picked.
“Do you still care about him?”
“About whom?” she sipped the drink in her hand watching the bonfire she gave a stiff puff of laughter “you should be more descriptive when talking about me and men”
“That guy you were dating you know back in school. Will or something. You seemed pretty messed up after he left. Your eyes were red and puffy for at least a week after that”
“you forget I have allergies” she got up and left the fireside her heart shattering again slowly. Parties were never interesting to her anymore. They became pretty worthless when she wasn’t dating anyone. They became more of an excuse to work on forgetting.
Three numb years slipped by she was finally getting back to normal, her normal. A failed engagement and many futile and flawed relationships, with men and women, put her back there; some would say lower then where she had been on the emotional level. She had become strong again against emotions and the problems that came along with them. still being in high school but having the mentality of the older people that she spent her time with made it rather difficult to blend in well. she had a few friends that she considered trustworthy and saw out side of school but other then that she had herself. She liked that. If she got hurt she would know exactly who to turn to. It wouldn’t be like his prom night He kissed one of them. He said he did it because she had never been kissed before and had asked him to because she didn’t want to leave high school never being kissed. Why did it have to be asura’s boyfriend that did it? She was hurt but she tried not to make a big deal out of it. It was just a kiss right? Not for emotion but to help out a friend have a good prom night and have a wish fulfilled. She was still going to school for a few weeks after his senior walk and prom. She would see him after school and hang out as her house or his house watching movies walking around the mall.
Then the day came, His actual graduation at pine knob or DTE as it would be now. She was excited for the next day so that they both could hang out and have the whole day together. He was going to the all night party but promised they would do something fun the next day. The morning came. She called him to talk to him about what they would do that day.
“I have to tell you something. That girl that I have liked for a few years now, heather, she told me that she liked me to and “he paused. Asura braced for the worst but she could already hear the voice inside her head yelling at her for letting this start. Fail, yet again a failure to keep the man she cared for around just mark it down on the list. His voice came back “and I can’t help but wonder what if she’s the one?”
“You promised me you would be here. “She felt it the lump in her throat the strong need to just put the phone down and forget about everything. Remove herself from the situation in the only way she knew how by trying to pretend it never happened.
“Asura please listen to me I’m sorry to do this to you but I can’t let myself keep wondering what would happen if I just let her go”
Asura she would be right there and the blame would be clear. Walking out of school she saw him, a man with long golden curling hair pulled in to a low pony tail at the base of his neck, taller then she was very wide build of shoulders and a very stern bearded face standing by, well grand, one of Wilhelm’s friends.
“Well” she thought” I have never hurt him or his friends possibly it would be okay to see what this one is all about”
she came out and greeted Murdock who introduced his friend as Roman. She smiled and shook his hand and couldn’t think of any words then suddenly they came out on their own. dancing little bubbles of stupidity as they popped.
“your really tall “
he laughed a bit and moved his feet apart so he shrunk down.
“No, no I like tall men “ she pushed on his arm for him to stand back up she felt like an idiot but at least he laughed. So she laughed to she knew she had to get to the bus so she, like she had with Wilhelm, pulled him aside and asked for his screen name. She felt safer talking on the computer then on the phone.
“you know I do have this thing called a cell phone” he laughed a bit at her methods.
“ yeah but I like talking over the computer better.”
so he gave her his screen name and told her that he wasn’t on very often until late at night. Great, she was an insomniac she’d be awake anyway. That night they spoke two days later they hung out three days after that they were dating exclusively and spending many hours a day together her spring break falling on that fallowing week didn’t hurt their time together at all. To some outside sources they seemed to be moving very fast but to them they were perfect in their behaviors for each other.
The first time Asura was to see Wilhelm again was at the 20th birthday party for heather. A cause for everyone to have very public reservations that Asura, being lose of tongue and temper, and making very anger comments about heather before, would do something to offend. Wilhelm and his girlfriend were rather nervous about her being there at all just because of the strain between the two ex lovers, Wilhelm knowing that asura still held feelings toward him. all in all the party went fine with no big issues coming about. And that’s how it was for a little over a year. Until Wilhelm was told by heather that she cheated on him and hid it for . She gave some great sobbing story about thinking there was something missing in her life and she thought her ex could help her find it but Wilhelm couldn’t forgive it. So after about a week they broke up. He started to become slightly uncaring with people. Except for his connection with asura that became much stronger they started to talk more, text-ing for hours at a time and spending more time around each other. This all standing to make roman very nervous.
“Asura I need….the more I see you the more that I need to tell you the truth” they were hanging out, asura and Wilhelm alone at his trailer, roman was at work. She was helping him fix it up for moving in to from his parents after moving from the apartment heather and he shared.
“What is it you need to tell me “she asked not really paying that much attention chipping the old paint off the cupboards in the kitchen not thinking that it would be more then the normal jokes that came out between them.
“I still feel for you. I care about you a lot more then a friend should. “His voice seemed searching and he stood behind her waiting for some kind of answer to an unasked but known question. She stopped chipping at the paint and slowly turned around to him to see the blue crystals, the painfully clear pools of ice, watching her as they used to before this whole fiasco had befallen them. She knew time was slipping by but to her it felt slow, frozen. Then the anger came out. She gave a small laugh that came out a bit forced and weak.
“well who’s fault is that “ she smirked a bit going back to what she had been doing then she felt him touch her shoulders turn her around and hug her close to him.
“ its yours its only my fault that we’re not together now but you are the one that made me love you.”
“Wilhelm, “she was stuck. She did still care about him but she loved roman he had been there for her and hadn’t hurt her, Wilhelm had. Being her first true love of course she felt a pull to him. That Childs dream of not having to break up and search to just meet the one and be with the first and only everything. She didn’t want to be mean to him anymore that moments thought passed. All she wanted was to understand why it had been so important to deny anything more then friendship in her direction for three years. She understood that he was with another person but to hurt her and say that what he said he felt in the beginning was all a lie and he was wrong to have said it, it destroyed the walls of the piece of her heart she held him in.
“ yeah I know.” He released her waist and moved away turning to the garbage and taking it out to the can leaving her confused and deep in thought as she picked up the scrapper and went back to what she had been brought here to do. The rest of the night they didn’t speak much doing the work that needed to be done for him to move in. There was an awkwardness that hadn’t been there before, for her at least not knowing what he was thinking, really wishing she could. Heading home he reached his hand out to hers and took it as he drove holding it gently so that she could release it at anytime. Yet she didn’t, allowing them in that moment to have their connection from years before back. What could holding hands hurt?
It would be a long time before she was normal again after that night, Normal in the aspect of emotional stability in her thoughts. Everything she did with roman begin to become second guessed her head throbbed with memories of the past and the “what ifs”. She hated “what ifs” that’s what started this all in the first place. She loved Wilhelm in the way that an ex loved an ex that never hurt her that bad in the long run. Yet she knew that if he had done it once he had the capacity to do it to her again and again and she knew herself well enough that she would let it happen over and over till she was destroyed by him inside. He was good at heart but she wasn’t the strong female that he needed she would let him walk all over her.
Roman came to see her , as he normally did after work and as they held lay close together on the pit couch in her basement watching “hostel 2” she came to the realization. He was hers and leaving him would mean she would no longer be his that she couldn’t hold him close and steal his warmth from him when they relaxed close to one another. The idea alone floating threw her head made her heart speed up and her stomach feel like it was full of great teeming worms. Wilhelm had never made her feel like roman did. Even after they had broken up and she had been pining for him. In a way she felt alone while she was with Wilhelm unless he was right beside her. With roman she felt that she was needed and wanted even when he wasn’t around. They had always just been friends, Wilhelm and asura, at one point lovers but now and at that time, she saw now, truly only friends that cared very deeply for each other.
Roman looked deep in to her eyes smoothing the hair from her forehead. The light from the screen marking a dance of colors on his cheeks and in his eyes.
“I love you Asura” he whispered gently and kissed her forehead unaware of the inner turmoil that she was putting herself threw over Wilhelm’s admissions to her. Her heart gave a fluttering beat and her throat dried up. The great shining tears welled in her eyes slate grey eyes.
“Baby, I love you.” she sucked the cold musty basement air in before a small sob came out. “There are some things you have to know. “
She broke down, telling him about that night she had been at Wilhelm’s, everything he has said, and the emotions it had brought up in her, about all the thoughts and fears she was having about roman and her relationship, and how she realized now that she loved only him this deeply, that her life was with him, and only him.
Asura stopped hanging out with Wilhelm alone she all ways made sure someone was there with her. She didn’t want him to get the wrong idea about her feelings for him and the choice she made. Roman still viewed her same. he told her that he believed in her and the choice she made made him feel very important he trusted her more now then he ever had because she had been honest with him. She saw now that he gave Wilhelm very hostile looks when asura and he hugged greeting each other or saying goodbye but she had expected that from him. She half expected it from Wilhelm but he didn’t give any sign that it was upsetting him too badly. It pretty much just went back to how it had been before he had admitted to her.