I fell in love at 12.
He’s name was Chris.
He had he most beautiful eyes and just the most beautiful face.
But, I never even got him.
Ever day when I saw him I wanted him so bad.
But ever time he was with another girl.
Everyone said it was just bad timing when I would try a little harder for him.
But I still never stopped. I couldn’t. And I wouldn’t.
They all thought I was crazy. “How do you fall in love at 12?”
But I did. And I can’t give up on that little hope I have in the back of my mind.
After a while I moved on. I got other boyfriends other “loves.”
It was a year later. The start of a new school year, a new beginning.
Then, I saw him. Still as beautiful as ever.
My heart jumped in the air and never came back.
I got lost in all the thoughts rushing through my head.
Blind.
Only him and I stand there in the halls.
But what made my heart sink back in place was when he turned away,
And she came.
They held each other. It seemed like the best dream I have ever had,
Has just turned into the worst nightmare of my life.
When I snapped back into reality I finally noticed how much my heart actually did hurt. The worst pain you could ever have in your life.
I felt lifeless, breathless, and numb.
And after that I didn’t move on. I was numb and lifeless for days.
I felt my life fall. I felt meaningless.
But of course how could I give up that little hope that it wasn’t real.
That this was all a dream and it would go away.
I would wake up screaming and find out I had him the whole time.
But I never woke up.
After a while people started to realize I was in love. The real thing.
Not the puppy love crush that goes away in couple weeks.
But true, painful love.
It seemed like they would never break up.
And they never did.
The whole year having to seeing them together holding hands walking together that it actually made me sick.
Every night I cried myself to sleep thinking about him.
But the hope never went away. I always thought he loved me.
All my friends gave up and telling me that. All they said now was to move on. That he wasn’t worth it.
But he was. So, so, so worth it.
Then it happened. What sent me off the edge of desperation to obsessed.
Another guy actually asked me out.
I stood there blank. Not a single thought going through my mind when I just flat out said no and walked away. He was hurt and I could tell by not even having to look at him. I could feel him staring at me as I walked away from him.
Now I really wanted to know. Did he actually love me?
So I did the worst thing I could ever do.
I asked him.
He started at me like I did to the other boy.
Looked at his girlfriend and said.
No.
I cried right there. In front of everybody. Just cried.
I didn’t even run away. I just cried.
I felt nailed down to the floor cause I couldn’t look away from him.
Its been a year now.
And I’m not over him.
I hate the songs that say you can get over him.
Cause really you can never get over your first real love.
Now when I see him, all I do is get sad all over again. I hate that girl.
They tore up my heart like a piece of paper.
They did break up.
I could of cared less that day.
Then that stupid boy came up to me and said.
“I love you.”
After all that. After the sleepless nights, the crying, the numbness, and the anger that built up inside of me during the 3 years.
And you know what I did.
I looked at him and looked at him and looked at him.
And I walked away.
And never looked back.