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Forever Is All He Writes
It is August 23rd, 2008. I am with him. He who broke my heart 10 times over and always came back. “Why am I so gullible? Why can I never let him go? Why do I still love him?” I wonder all the time.
We are walking down the quiet, empty beach. The same place and same setting we first met. It was the very first thing that made us fall for each other, our common love of romantic places. Sunsets, fireworks, beaches, and long walks holding hands are just the beginning. Our differences and unnatural ability to compromise made us fall in love, too. In the future, he wants to live in the city, while I would prefer a beach house, so we decided we could get both. I want one child, while he wants three, so of course we said the middle ground of two children.
The one thing that we truly share is real love. The undeniable kind that doesn’t go away even when you try. The kind the makes you say you’ll die for that person or do anything to make them yours. The love that makes a fight seem non-existent after the words, “I love you,” are spoken.
Every person we ever knew has said that we have no idea what love is at our young and vulnerable age. They doubt our feelings and attempt to dissuade us. We tell them they can not judge until they have found proof that is true, that love cannot exist until we are older. I believe that love can spark at anytime, whether you are 14 or 40. It is something that cannot be prevented because it comes from deep down. It is not something that can be predicted or forced. Love happens because it is meant to happen. Yes, we may only be 14, but that absolutely does not mean we don’t have strong feelings.
Everything we have ever told each other was and is true. Sometimes we say too much or too little, but it is always the truth. It is not worth lying or hiding something with someone who you know only tells you the truth. Sometimes saying I love you hurts. Not because it is fake but because it is seemingly impossible. We quickly learned from that, that love is a very complicated word and feeling. Who would guess that four letters could be so confusing?
We met in a common place but go home to two very different ones. Two homes with different rules, in different places, with very different lives. We rarely get the chance to see each other. Busy and complicated lives make it hard. Yet, even the distance can not stop our love from existing. How can you stop something that is so real and strong?
And yet, that is why we are here, walking on this beach just as if it is the very first time we are meeting. We have come back to say goodbye. It is over and we both know it. The busiest part of our teenage lives has begun and all hope of a solid relationship lost. I am not saying it isn’t worth the pain; we just really don’t have the time. We both truly want it to work, but it just cannot.
They say that when you really love someone, you shouldn’t have to work for it. I think that is the biggest lie I have ever heard. When you really love someone, you should be willing to do whatever it takes. He and I have done what we thought it would take, it just wasn’t enough.
Friend after friend has told me I am crazy, that he was and still isn’t worth fighting for. I never once listened to them. I can admit that at times my mind told me to give up, to stop wasting my energy. Yet each time, my heart and the love I have for him has won me over.
So again, we are silently walking down the beach, reminding ourselves of how great it was. The words we wish to say are too painful. “I love you” is something said in a relationship, which we no longer have. Something that is now long gone. And believe me, it sucks.
People always tell me not to cry, but they will never understand. All I can do is cry. Right now smiling is false and crying is true. I am crying now, silently grasping his warm hand as if my life depends on it. I pray that some day I will see him again. That fate will go the right way a second time around. For now, all I can do is remember and cry.
He doesn’t speak a word either, but he does not cry. He loves me; I know, but he cannot believe it is the end. The end of something we said would be forever. I cannot really believe in forever anymore. It is too far away for us to know what it will bring. We can hope for the best, but that’s about it for now.
We’ve stopped walking now and stand here looking at each other. The sun is slowing sinking below the horizon line in an array of vibrant colors. Two of our romantic dreams coming true at once are too much for me to handle. I stare down at my cold, bare feet with my toes buried under the sand. He sees I am hurting and gets down on his knees to etch something in the wet sand. Forever is all he writes, but I know exactly what he is trying to say.
I do not ever tell anyone, but I know why I cannot let him go, why I cannot release my grip nor allow him to release his. He has had a lasting impact on my life. He told me things, showed me things, and taught me things that no one else ever had. He took me from an average teenage girl to someone who is proud of whom she is and won’t let anyone change it. He made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. He hurt me plenty of times, but each time made me tougher and thicker skinned, less prone to the damage of life. He made me see more and believe more. He showed me how and allowed me to enjoy life in new and different ways. Most importantly, he gave me a shoulder to cry on and an understanding, loving soul to pour my heart into. I found a heart in him that I could trust with my every secret. And I found a person in him that I could love with all I’ve got.
I stand here now; looking into his glistening blue eyes and can read every word he wants to say. His blonde hair is being blown back from the whistling breeze, revealing the gorgeous face I have gotten to know and come to love so very much. For the last time, I kiss him lightly, discreetly mouth, “I love you,” and somberly start home.
Suddenly, he spins me around and answers the one question I’ve always been asking, “Why me?” He just looks at me and says, “I love you because you have changed me.” All I can do is smile as a tear falls down my cheek, a single tear that falls for love, happiness, and memory. All sadness in me has disappeared for this moment because I am now confident that he will always love me and never forget me.