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The (messed up) story of Dasher
Rudolf died on the first friday of December this year. Not that I didn’t try before. I had been trying since that foggy night that that bright nosed freak took my job. Ever since “he was needed to guide us.” But this December, this December I was finally successful.
“Mr.Dasher, will you describe to us the first time you attempted murder on Mr.Rudolf?” The chubby elf judge asked me. My lawyer had ditched me and they refused to appoint me one. Apparently the Candy Cane Constitution doesn’t apply when you’ve killed the “most famous reindeer of all.” The elf stared me down, her chubby cheeks the same color as her annoying fur lined fat. Faux fur actually, cause even though he used us Reindeer to haul him and a million pounds of presents, Santa is a member of PETA.
“The first time?” I laughed a little. My neck felt bare without my harness covered in 25 jingle bells. “I don’t even know if you could call it a murder attempt. It failed terribly.”
“Please Mr.Dasher, explain.” The judge sighed.
“Alright, alright. The first time I tried to kill Rudolf was shortly after he joined the team. It was at his welcome party. Santa was giving a glorious speech about how Rudolf had saved Christmas that year by lighting our path. For crying out loud the Big Man could’ve just duct taped a flashlight to my nose! But no, let’s hire the North Pole’s biggest outcast to join the most important sled team in the whole world. Anyway. While Santa was giving his speech Donner whispered to me about how this freak of nature reindeer was stealing my job and well it sank in. I have been working for Santa since I graduated reindeer academy and now this mutant of a sixteen year old get’s my job. No, I wasn’t going to let that happen. So, I got some poison that Santa keeps around for the rats in the toy shop. Yes ladies and gentlemen, Santa Claus has rat poison. And I may have put it in the hot chocolate for Rudolf to drink. Well, apparently Rudolf is diabetic! So instead a dead reindeer I was stuck with ten dead elves.” I said, instantly regretting it.
“Wait, not only did you attempt murder on Mr.Rudolf, you did murder elves?” The elf judge gasped.
“That was purely accidental.” I said. The jury full of elves murmur. I hear Mrs.Claus blow her nose into a bright red handkerchief.
“That’s another case altogether. We should get back to the current case. What happened the next time you murdered Rudolf?” She asked.
“Can I ask a question first?” I said.
She rolled her eyes and put her face in her tiny hands. “What is your question Mr.Dasher?”
“What if I didn’t kill him? You haven’t proved anything yet. So I’m confessing to attempted murder and uh, elf murder but maybe I didn’t actually commit the murder you are charging me for.” I enjoyed annoying that judge.
“Did you murder Rudolf Mr.Dasher?” She grumbled.
“What do you think?” I smiled at her.
“We have evidence that makes you the prime suspect.” She glared at me with her mint green eyes. Her name sign reads “Judge Spearmint.”
“Sounds good to me then. So what was your question.” She continued to glare.
“The second murder attempt?” She snapped.
“Oh yes. Well there were many in between but the second one, that one was fun.” I laughed. “New Years Eve of 1993. We were all out with everyone else in the North Pole celebrating and having a good old time. I was still furious with Rudolf because he had not only stole my job, but had stolen my wife. Yes my friends, I saw Mr.Rudolf off with my wife. So yeah, I guess you could say I had a pretty good motive. I had perfect resources that night. Right before the grand fireworks show, I stole a fairly large firework shell and put it right behind where Rudolf was sitting. I set it off at the same time as the fireworks show began. Rudolf survived, my wife on the other hand, did not.” I shook my head, remembering my wife. “But Rudolf, oh of course he saved the day. He lit up his nose and flew up into the sky to light up the sky and tribute my wife. I looked like an idiot and blamed an elf for the whole thing.”
The jury gasped and the elves grow louder with murmurs of surprise and anger. The judge called the trial back to order and turned her attention back to me. “Do you have a hostility towards elves?” She peered at me over the too tall podium.
“I have nothing against them.” I said.
She looked through her notes for a few minutes and pulls her hands through her pigtails. The jury whispered again and I wanted to throw my cup of eggnog at them. But I can’t make my hatred of elves anymore obvious.
“Mr.Dasher, why don’t we jump ahead to the actual murder? Please explain what all happened.” The judge sighed.
“Very well then. I promise you this one’s a good story.” I said. I tried not to smile. “So it was the first Friday of December. I had made the perfect plan up. I had ordered a cattle guard to instal outside Rudolf’s place, but apparently they couldn’t deliver it until after Christmas. I had to have Rudolf gone before Christmas so I could have my thunder back. I had to find another way. I wanted a way to get rid of him without directly killing him myself. So, I made my plan. I dug a hole right outside Rudolf’s door and covered it in hay. Oh and it worked wonderfully! As soon as the bright nosed freak walked out of his place he tripped on the hole and I heard the unmistakable snap of his leg. I tried to conceal my laughter as the elves and other reindeer came running. They were crying and screaming and telling Rudolf he was going to be alright. Rudolf was hysteric, yelling for help. They kept telling him he was going to be okay. But oh, he kept yelling. I heard Santa’s big booming voice and Mrs.Claus starting to cry. Santa said somethings I could not identify and I see an elf run past me with a gun. It was a large gun and it was a bright mint green color. Within seconds I heard the gunshot ring out. I’ll admit, I felt guilt then. Knowing that poor old Santa had to shoot his beloved Rudolf made me feel a little bit upset with myself. But then it hit me, I would get my job back. I would once again lead the team every Christmas Eve. I started dancing around and then I saw the body bag. I bowed my head out of a false respect. The funeral happened almost immediately and it was broadcast on global news channels. He wasn’t even in the ground when the elf police came for me. And, here I am.” I explained.
Everyone took a few minutes to process my story. The elves murmur, Mrs. Claus cries loudly. The rest of our team wouldn’t look in my direction.
“You have just admitted to the murder of Rudolf.” The judge said.
“I suppose I have. But if I didn’t what evidence do you have that it was me?” I smiled.
The judge put her hand over her face, it covered most of it. “Well, we have multiple witnesses who say you digging the hole outside Mr.Rudolf’s home. We also found your hoof prints. You have the biggest motive out of everyone in the North Pole to kill him. You have clearly hated him since he took over your position in the team.” The judge explained.
“Well, technically I did not actually kill him, Santa did.” I shrugged. Mrs.Claus began to cuss me out.
The judge settled Mrs.Claus down and turned her attention back to me. “You planted the trap causing Mr.Rudolf to break his leg. Santa shot him out of compassion, to take away his pain.” She explained.
“Sounds about right.” I said.
“Mr.Dasher, are you guilty or not in the death of Mr.Rudolf?” The judge said, clearly annoyed.
“I am guilty. But I do not regret it.” I said, sternly.
“You will be charged with the murder of Rudolf then, Mr.Dasher.” The bailiff added.
“Very well.” The bailiff said. “We have to wait until after Christmas for your sentence since you are needed for the Christmas delivery. Him and the judge whispered to each other for a few moments. Those moments felt like years to me.
I was arrested for the Murder of Rudolf. But I still got to lead the sleigh one last time.
Unfortunately, it was a very foggy Christmas night. I couldn’t see and drove Santa’s sleigh into the Empire State building and I was then responsible for the death of 8 other reindeer and a very large man.