It is dark and raining, the music is blasting loudly, filling the car. The road is slick, the tires seemingly unable to grip the it, as my mother and I drive down its narrow, winding path. Headlights flicker past lighting up my view. My mother turns in her seat looking at me. Suddenly, the car skids to the side veering dangerously off the road. We slide sideways along the asphalt and come to a halt across the middle of the road. Bright lights fill my field of vision as the crushing sound of metal fills my ears…
“Arleah Mari Hyland, get up! You’re going to be late!” my father called, arousing me from my sleep induced stupor. Slowly, I got up and walked around my room, delaying the inevitable. I definitely was not ready for this. School had to be the worst part of my existence.
I peered at myself in the mirror taking in my tan complexion freckles dotted my nose like stars in the sky. I owed my forever tan to the lifetime of living seaside. I pulled my long hair into a braid before throwing my crimson stained tresses over my shoulder. I swiped mascara on, peering at my bright blue eyes in the mirror. It didn’t used to be like this. Last year I loved going to school because I was popular and basically had it all. But then the car accident took so much away from me, leaving me a shell of my former self. On the first day of my senior year, what was supposed to be a much anticipated day, I was an outcast, alone. Tears stung my eyes and my cheeks flushed as I looked away.


“Le?! Let’s go, we need to leave before we’re late!” This time my sister’s voice rang up to my ears. I quickly grabbed my bag, jacket and silver dove pendant, fastening the thin chain as I made my way down the stairs. Sitting on the kitchen counter is my packed lunch and perched next to it my sister, Cariana. Upstairs I heard the unmistakable shrieks of what could only be the twins, Serenia and Marlea. Cariana hopped gracefully off the counter, handing me my lunch, her gold tinted hair swinging in front of her eyes, momentarily obscuring her face.


She lurched forward, picking up her bag from the ground, and with a cheeky grin, dragged me out the door, heading to the car. As we geo in and headed to school, she was a constant chatterbox. I smiled at all the right moments but failed to really grasp what she was rambling about. We pulled up to the school and she hopped out, running off to find the friends she still had, I on the other hand moved sloth like, hanging back by the cars in the lot.


People rushed past greeting friends they’ve known since childhood, friends I didn’t have anymore. I looked down at the ground kicking at some of the gravel in front of me as I listened intently for the first bell signaling the beginning of class. In front of me a boy stood his shoulders slumped and his head bowed. I saw the car coming before he had looked up and acted quickly, yanking on his collar, out of the path of the speeding vehicle as it honked by, the dark hair that flashed in the driver’s seat was all too familiar.


He, panting, quickly turned around to reveal a very perplexed expression etched across his brows, noticeable in his eyes. He was perched precariously on the edge of the curb. His hair blew around his face in the strong wind, a mixture of honey and cinnamon. His skin was light but tinged with the beginnings of a summer tan. He was new, which meant he didn’t know.
“Umm hi? My er name is Carter, umm you are..?” he stammered, stumbling backwards off the curb. I reached out, grabbing hold of his forearm to steady him as he looked at me from under heavily lashed eyes. He rubbed the back of his neck and nervously glanced at a piece of paper in his hand. As I reached for his schedule and began writing my name on it I heard, “Oh you don’t wanna talk to her, Carter, she’s too dumb for words,” chirped a voice from behind me as a flock of people swarmed us, laughing at me as they dragged him away.
From my spot I heard him ask the queen bee of Hartford Schools herself, Blaire, my former best friend, where room 247A was. She giggled, tossing her unmistakable black curtain of hair over her shoulder and grabbed his hand leading him towards where I would be heading, staring pointedly at me, before gushing about how lucky he was to have run into her.


I dropped my gaze to the ground and began making my way to AP Senior Lit, quickly passing through the halls until I made it to my destination, first, as always. I made my way through the door nodding in acknowledgment at Mr. Humphrey before taking my seat, closest to the door.


Slowly students filed in, filling the same seats they had been occupying for the past 12 years. Thankfully, Blaire hadn’t quite made the cut for the AP courses due to last year’s grades. It had been a rough year for both of us, but here I was. The only available seat, when he rushed in, nearly late, was the one directly behind me, and he took it avoiding my gaze as he sat down.


As class settled and Mr. H began roll call, I felt a jab under my shoulder and quickly glanced back to see Carter holding a note, not so well concealed beneath his fingers. I took it, with my intent to tear it to pieces when, before I really knew what I was doing, I had opened it. Written in blue ink across the blank page, “I’m sorry for earlier, can I make it up to you with lunch?” I quickly scribbled a replying yes before discreetly passing it back. The rest of the morning passed in a blur as my anticipation for what was to come grew. I discovered that I, not only had 1st block, but 2nd with Carter as well; maybe this year wouldn’t be all bad afterall.


As I approached my spot, beneath the tall oak tree off to the edge of the courtyard, the sun glared down bringing tears to my eyes. I blinked them away and as the wind ruffled my hair, it brought a shadow across the sun and I thought I saw a flash of Carter’s hair before the cloud that had been sparing me the brightness of noon’s sun, shifted again bringing with it the dazzling brightness of light. As I stepped beneath the shade offered by the tree I looked around for Carter, catching the whisper of my name as the wind picked up again. I turned towards the origin of that whisper and spotted him across the courtyard searching intently through herds of hungry teenagers and smiled softly to myself. His gaze met mine and I waved him over. He smiled making his way over to where I stood waiting. I made myself comfortable among the roots on the side opposite the rest of the lawn, and patted the spot next to me. He sat next to me peering at me as I took my lunch out of my bag.


He asks me question after question. I delayed the arrival of the truth by strategically taking bites of my lunch. One specific question brought all of my evading to a halt.
“Why won’t you talk to me?” he says looking down, his eyebrows scrunched in confusion and pain.


I wrote on the piece of paper meticulously, “I can’t,” and hand it back to him watching as he digests the news of my muteness. Emotions dance across his face as he thinks about his options. I looked down at the grass, plucking a blade from the ground and begin folding it as he turns to look at me peering at me with clouded eyes and says, “look at me.” As I made eye contact with him his eyes bore into mine before taking my hand gently in his and asking me softly, “Will you teach me?”
I look at him, my confusion written across my face as he clarifies, “Teach me to sign.” My eyes widen and I nod as he smiles, blush creeping across his cheeks.


l stumbled over what seemed to be nothing until I turned around and saw Blaire’s minion, Kelsianne, smiled at me before picking up her bag and making her way towards Blaire. I turned back and kept walking trying to keep the smile on my face as I began to fall back into reality.
After what could’ve possibly been the most boring lecture over the “Wonders of BioChemistry” I said bye to Carter and made plans to meet him on the curb before heading off to my final class, Art V. I knew Blaire would be in this class and steel myself for what I’m sure is about to come.


I took a seat behind my easel and swiftly gathered supplies for the class. Slowly Blaire and her minions filed into class filling the seats around me. The class is quiet as everyone begins their painting. I was so engrossed in my work that I didn’t notice the girl carrying the open paint until suddenly, “Oops,” she said as purple paint slid down my face, coating my hair and shoulders. I bolted upright wiping at my eyes before grabbing my bag and heading out the door.


I made my way to the bathroom rinsing my hair in the sink. As I’m splashing my face with water I hear the door open and close. As I grabbed a paper towel and start patting my hair dry I hear Blaire’s voice behind and jump, “So you think he’ll ever actually like someone like you? Let’s get this straight, nobody will ever like someone who can’t even talk. So just back off or you’ll regret it.” With that she spun on her heel and stormed out, leaving me shaking.


I hear the final bell ring and make my way out of the school walking to the curb where I was to meet Carter, Blaire’s warning echoing in my mind. I stopped, looking around searching for him, spotting him, eyes ablaze and nostrils flaring, as he crossed the parking lot. I cringed visibly as I watched him mutter angrily to himself.


As he met my eye, his demeanor switches, expertly masking his anger with an easy smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. He took in my dripping hair and flushed face and goes off. He ranted for a good five minutes about how those girls don’t have the right to tell anyone who can or can’t hang out with him. I stood by slowly wringing out my hair as he continued his rampage. Finally, after he ran out of anger he looked at me again and smiled. He bent to the ground and plucked a single yellow rose from one of the many bushes dotted throughout the schoolyard.


He signaled with his head towards the coffee shops and we head over there. We spent hours discussing the most mundane things. He walked me home dropping me off in front of my house before asking if he could pick me up in the morning. I tentatively agreed and he headed off towards his own house leaving me in the pool of light left from my porch light. I was lightheaded with happiness as I made my way through the house up to my room.


The next days bled into weeks then months of pure bliss. We spent every available moment together, bonding over coffee and movies. I taught him the most basic signs, until he could finally understand me. I felt like it had been years since I had been this happy, when in truth it had been merely months. Blaire’s presence in my life slowly faded as her power over me waned. At first it was nearly unnoticeable. A few days would pass without torment. But slowly the days turned into weeks and months until at last she was nothing but a distant memory, something belonging to a stranger, not me. I finally felt like I belonged again. I had no idea how bad things could get.


It was a dark and stormy night similar to the one that haunted my dreams. Carter had just dropped me off at my house after a night out. Forty-five minutes later the phone was ringing. I let it go to voicemail and as the answering machine picked up, my entire world came crashing down. It was Carter’s dad. I listened but didn’t really comprehend his words as he told a machine about the accident.


Phrases stuck out in my mind, critical condition, car flipped and crushed lying in the ditch, not found for 25 minutes after collision.


I rushed up to the bathroom, my feet seemingly carried me of their own accord. I emptied my stomach of everything I had consumed that day. Bile burned my throat as I attempted to communicate to my dad that we needed to leave. Unable to gain control of myself long enough to sign properly, I replayed the message and quickly jumping into action, he called our neighbors to ask them to watch the girls as we left.


As we got to the floor Carter was on, there was a sudden flurry of activity. Time seemed to slow as we rushed to the nurse’s station and my dad gave Carter’s name. With a pained look she asked us to please be seated and that someone would be with us momentarily.


We sat down next to Carter’s dad in silence. I took what felt like my first full breath and a wall of antiseptic assaulted my senses. I ran my hands along the armrests trying to regain the feeling of warmth that had left me. Through the stillness surrounding me I could hear the subtle, constant beeping of a monitor in time with the pounding of my heart, in my ears. When I heard the approaching footfall from the hallway I looked up and saw the doctor come up to us. I had a sickening wave of déjà vu as he told us there was nothing they could do.
He was bleeding internally and had already lost a lot of blood. His heart was getting weaker and it was only a matter of time before he would be gone. I ran from the lobby, and out into the rain that seemed to match my own inner turmoil. I ran until my lungs were screaming and my heart racing in my chest.
In front of me I saw the carnage of what could only have been his car. Smoke billowed out around the crushed metal as the rain poured around me. I looked down and at the edge of the road, nearly invisible, a single yellow rose laid amongst the rubble. I slowly walked towards it, picking it up off the ground and cradling it in my hands. In the distance I could see a girl running towards me, Blaire. Her screams echoed around me, surrounded me. “You did this! It wasn’t enough to kill your mother but you had to kill him too? Your life will be miserable for as long as I’m in it!” I turned away and ran from her. Running the whole four miles back to my home as the rain cut into my skin.


As the storm raged outside I slowly clambered up the chair. All the adrenaline that had fueled my body had left. I was an empty shell of what I had once been. Images of Carter and I drinking coffee, watching movies and eating lunch flipped through my mind as if on replay. Replacing him, images of my mother, knelt over Blaire and I as we blow out candles together, Blaire and I dressed to match as we pose for a picture at my eighth birthday party. From the mouth of this young Blaire, her words echo through my mind. My life used to be good. I used to have friends and be popular. Everything was taken away from me when I was in that car accident. I finally got my life back, I was finally happy. Now it’s all gone. As I kicked the chair out from under me, the rose clutched tightly in my fist, I was enveloped in darkness, and in the distance I saw Carter’s face.
I yelled at him screaming for him to go home. I thrashed back and forth against invisible bindings as my words left my mouth. “You shouldn’t be here! Please don’t, please go home. Go Home!” My throat burned with the force of screams.
A voice, immediately recognizable as my mother’s whispered in my ear. “My dear Arleah, you weren’t supposed to go yet. There’s still a chance, you can go back, just take my hand.” Tears streamed down my cheeks as I turned away from her outstretched hand.
“I already lost everything, please take him back home. Please save Carter.” I pled as I looked into Carter’s face. Slowly the surrounding images faded into black as I heard his voice screaming, “Don’t let me go! Please I want to be with you!” My mother looks at me, holding back tears, “You could’ve saved yourself, why didn’t you?” I look at her and whisper in her ear.
“I loved him, Mom”
*********
The entire school was there. From my vantage point at the back of the funeral home I could see the rows of classmates, tears falling down their cheeks, spilling onto their new black dresses. Blaire and her friends sat in the front, heads bowed looks of guilt and sorrow mixed in their features. Past them, vases filled with flowers were all over. The most prominent,, waiting for each person to grab one, are yellow roses.
Everyone had something to say. It felt like the same few phrases being recycled over and over again.
“She was so young.”
“I always thought she was so happy.”
“She was my best friend.”
These sentiments didn’t touch me. Their lack of understanding settled deep into my bones. They seemed to forget how they drove her to it, basically delivering her to her grave.
They didn’t live with this feeling of something missing. She wasn’t their world. They didn’t feel the aching emptiness that her lack of presence left in me. Everyday I woke up to be crushed all over again by the weight of her absence. She was gone
Nobody else knew, and I would never tell anyone the truth. She saved me. Arleah gave me the chance to go back in place of her. I knew I had to figure out a way to get her back, but the only ideas that I could came to mind were the things of fairytale and make believe.
Every night I saw her in my dreams, and for now that would suffice.

************
I visit him all the time. He dreams we are together by the sea, the wind caressing our faces as we stand hand in hand looking out into the horizon. In his dreams, free of my broken body I can speak. Sometimes I scream as loud as possible, taking in the sheer beauty of what it is to talk again.
He thinks I saved him, but in truth he saved me. By sacrificing myself, they gave me heaven, saving me from eternal damnation after taking my life. Because of him, I am free, and I will always love him.