On February 19th I woke up at the edge of the rabbit hole. That day I played on the edge and let my feet hang over the edge and I didn’t even care. I was worry free and careless, like I had always been.
On February 20th, I woke up running from the rabbit hole. The black pit of despair and lust and love and hate. Yet the shadows from deep within chase me, haunt me, and watch me. I try my hardest to run from the rabbit hole but the second I land on my feet I get dragged right back to the edge of the rabbit hole.
I stand on the edge for hours, for days, for months waiting for just anything. My feet seem cemented to the ground.
I’d played too close to the edge and now I’m stuck here.
I should have protected myself better. I already fell into the rabbit hole once. And I still haven’t been able to figure out if I fell in or if I jumped.
Last March I fell into the abyss like rabbit hole again. I didn’t fall into the rabbit hole on my own I was pushed. I was unwilling to take the step forward and that’s when I fell. Why didn’t I protect myself?
When I first started falling I thought you had jumped in after me. It wasn’t until I hit the bottom that I realized; I had fallen completely alone. And you stood at the stop of the hole watching me fall. Knowing that you had pushed me, you felt nothing.
I watched your face change. Like the true shapeshifter that you were. You were sinister and evil, loving and compassionate, then cynical and hypocritical. At one point I even felt like you regretted pushing me. Like maybe I wouldn’t get hurt if you could manage to pull me back up. But I was already falling.
I fell into depression. I fell into sadness. I fell in love. I kept asking questions as I fell. Why would I do this to myself again? Whose fault was it really? Should I be more guarded? Who would hurt me next? Who could I trust? Maybe this is what I need? Maybe this is what I deserved? Did I really think I could win?
True happiness wasn’t made for me. It wasn’t made to last. Our beings too fragile and susceptible to the outside world. We couldn’t rely on each other because we were slowly tearing each other apart. The true denial that exhausted me was now consuming me and changing me.  As the darkness surrounded me and your face faded I saw your tears and finally understood you. Someone who doesn’t know true heartache, a perpetual and unknowing liar.
As the light faded I knew that no one could save me now. I asked myself, why had I been so close to the edge in the first place? Why was I already in this place? Who had left me here and why couldn’t I escape? The last thing I realized was that even though you had pushed me I never hated you. I was falling in and taking all of your secrets with me. I was leaving you a thousand miles away yet I knew that I was still holding on.
At one point I was grasping the air. Reaching for you. Hoping that by some miracle you would pull me back up. Tell me that it was all a mistake. Tell me that you never really loved me. I needed to hear this. I needed to know that I was really the only one who had fallen. I craved knowing that you hadn’t pushed me for no reason.
I know that you never wanted to lose me. That watching me fall must have hurt. At least that’s the truth that I wanted to know. Whether the truth I had created in my mind was real or fake, it was an illusion.
When I landed in the rabbit hole surrounded by darkness I completely lost it. The darkness around me filled with my own tears, and I was drowning in them. I kept telling myself that you would save me. I needed someone. I had been playing on the edge of the rabbit hole for entirely too long. It was only a matter of time before I fell in. Whether by accident or by force.
I will never hate you for pushing me in. I will be bitter and upset, but I will never seek revenge. There is no vengeance. I have even considered thanking you. Thanking you for making me realize that I should have tried harder to run. Thanking you for helping me realize that I fell too easily. Thanking for tearing me apart. Thanking you for opening my eyes to something I had been in denial about for longer than you could ever imagine.
These are my final thoughts before I release all the feelings, all the emotions, and every word that was said. I will never clearly understand why you pushed me, and I won’t care that I saw you walking away. I saw you walk away crying. You walked directly to her and now you’ve left me here. To let my thoughts consume me. I am glad that I loved you. Glad that you never loved me. Glad that you never could. Glad that this is ending. Glad that you tore my heart out, before I fell. In the long run it’s probably better that you have it. I hope you keep it.  It’s best in the hands of someone else anyways. When I have control of my own heart all I can do is abuse it. You tore me apart and left me for dead, and I truly couldn’t be more grateful. Thank you, love.