You stand five feet away from the doors in a bubble gum pink dress with sleeves so bloated that you can’t see over them. Just a few more seconds until everyone will see you in what is by far the ugliest dress ever created. But your grandfather is getting married today and you are the maid of honor. You feel no desire to fight him or his groom on the large bow attached to your hip or the pregnant sleeves. Instead, you look to comfort your nerves. The freshly cut bouquet of daisies are probably the least gaudy part of the ceremony. You strangle their green stems until they become mush on your palms.

The music begins and the doors open. You think-at least my shoes are comfortable. They let you quickly spin around to glance at your grandfather’s husband to-be. He smiles at you sweetly, pushing his thick framed glasses onto his face. How he can be the only one looking at you without any disgust is a mystery. You look horrendous. 

One of the groomsmen pushes you into the chapel and you begin to stumble down the aisle.  Slowly, you find your pace to the beat of Lizzo’s “Boys”- your grandfather’s favorite. It is hard to keep focused on the space in front of you because you feel the lazer glare of tightlipped old ladies following you. As you approach the end of the aisle, Ryan Gosling, sitting on one of the jam packed benches makes eye contact with you. You feel yourself turn red under the horribly applied pancake makeup. As you approach him, he smirks at you. But all too quickly that smirk turns into a laugh as he sticks his foot out into the aisle and stamps it down onto the train of the bow. You fall into a death drop and daisies fly. Their squished green stems get smudged all over the front of the dress. Cardi B’s cackle erupts from the back and you know that hurt your pride more than it hurt you. Still, you pulled your hamstrings. The groom runs up to you and wraps his stubby fingers around your arm, pulling you up gracefully. You limp to the end and stand next to your grandfather to-be. 

Silence falls and the officiant begins.  “Do you, James Smith, take Danny Devito to be your lawfully wedded husband?”