Rosencrantz Speaks | Teen Ink

Rosencrantz Speaks MAG

By Karla R., So, NJ

      Hamlet, do me a favor and just sit still for a couple seconds. I guess you never learned your lesson at Wittenberg. I mean they always made you sit in the corner and wear that dunce hat for fidgeting. Sorry, I always forget that you are sensitive about that.

Anyway, Hammy, I need to talk to you. Don’t make that face, I need you to listen for once. I’m supposed to make sure you don’t go jump off a cliff, but how come no one follows me to check up on me? Right, because I’m not a psychopath who talks to himself in the corners of an enormous castle. I don’t understand you; you are the prince of Denmark, and you act like the son of the maid.

Do you want to know something else, Hamstring? You never do anything decisively. You need to think about every possibility a million times over before making a move. That’s why things escape so easily from you. Do you remember that girl from school? What was her name ... Roselyn? You better remember her because I surely do. I recall your feeble attempt to court her. It was hilarious! Looking at the ground you would ask her, “Wh-wh-where is the bathroom?” And she would reply, “The same place where it was yesterday, right behind you.” There’s something I have to tell you Ham-omelet - I might have had a thing with Roselyn. She was irresistible. I had a lot of fun with her a couple of nights, but of course, she could not find out I was connected to you or else she would think I was like you. Occasionally, she would mention a strange lad who crashed into things trying to follow her around. I knew that was you. Honey Ham, you are too slow with the girls, and with everything else, I might add.

Your mother actually thinks you studied at Wittenberg! Poor queen, if she knew that you only made it through because Guildenstern and I did all the work for you. Your philosophical ventures are mere excuses for your permanent state of laziness! If it weren’t for us, you would not have passed. By the way, you never did thank us.

Ham-cake, you really need to live a little. You are uptight and you let opportunities pass by. Not to rub it in, but I know you have a thing with that cutie, Ophelia. Take it easy. Fine, I won’t call her a cutie, but sit still because I’m not finished. When I arrived here at Elsinore, she was complaining about you constantly - how you are strange and fickle with her, and have constant mood swings. You do not know how to treat a lady, but don’t worry about Ophelia. Don’t get hysterical, it’s nothing serious. Besides, she’s crazy about you, literally. I’m setting her straight for you, you know, with a little more experience. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of her. Really, what would you do without me?

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This article has 43 comments.

on Aug. 5 2018 at 4:03 pm
S-A-Bowden BRONZE, Baltimore, Maryland
2 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you did not write every day, the poisons would accumulate and you would begin to die, or act crazy, or both." -Ray Bradbury

This was fun to read! I like how you gave Rosencrantz his own personality. Have you read "Gertrude Talks Back" by Margaret Atwood or ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE DEAD by Tom Stoppard? This story reminded me of both.

i love this !

This is great. Excellent. I love it.

on Oct. 23 2017 at 3:42 pm
WritingAddict03 SILVER, Saint Peters , Missouri
5 articles 0 photos 68 comments

Favorite Quote:
Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will live its whole life believing it is stupid. - Albert Einstein


on Jun. 13 2017 at 6:09 pm
HereSheIs BRONZE, Wellesley, Massachusetts
3 articles 0 photos 192 comments

Favorite Quote:
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." -Plato

I worship before you, o mighty Shakespeare nerd. This is hilarious, well-written and shows that you know your stuff. Nice punny Hamlet nicknames too

Arti.M BRONZE said...
on Feb. 23 2017 at 6:40 am
Arti.M BRONZE, Tirana, Other
4 articles 0 photos 46 comments
This is really good and a really good overall idea

KaitlinRoze said...
on Mar. 30 2016 at 8:46 am
KaitlinRoze, Grandville, Michigan
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments
I really love this piece!

on Jan. 3 2016 at 11:00 am
dappled.sunlight SILVER, Toronto, Other
7 articles 2 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Plant a tree in your heart, and a songbird will come." -Chinese Proverb

Sorry, I meant Rosencrantz! :)

on Jan. 2 2016 at 7:39 pm
dappled.sunlight SILVER, Toronto, Other
7 articles 2 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Plant a tree in your heart, and a songbird will come." -Chinese Proverb

I love Guildenstern's persona! Great job on this -- keep it up!

InkyFingers said...
on Apr. 13 2015 at 7:45 pm
I love this. The humor is so good in this piece, and since I did Hamlet recently and played Ophelia I loved how you portrayed Hamlet. The idea of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern doing all the work for him was simply inspired!

on Apr. 13 2015 at 6:05 pm
The_Edge SILVER, Teaneck, New Jersey
9 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Wisest is he who knows he does not know."

I read this without reading Hamlet... It is really scary XD

StardustSky said...
on Feb. 6 2015 at 9:08 am
StardustSky, Newtown, Pennsylvania
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
This is so very funny! We're reading Hamlet in school right now and I'm very amuse, I might share this with my English teacher. I love how you use different nicknames for Hamlet. And I can see how other people may see Hamlet in different way because of things he hiself can see and others cannot, which results in his actions. But that would added more to the theme of appearance vs. reality, right?

on Jul. 1 2014 at 1:35 pm
Olivia-Atlet ELITE, Dardenne Prairie, Missouri
324 articles 10 photos 1166 comments

Favorite Quote:
"To these the past hath its phantoms,
More real than solid earth;
And to these death does not mean decay,
But only another birth"
- Isabella Banks

Oh my god thanky uo so much for writing this...I can't even...rofl XD!!!!

on Dec. 14 2013 at 11:56 am
CrashBagPhoto SILVER, Amston, Connecticut
8 articles 0 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing's going to get better. It's not. -- Dr. Seuss

Hamlet is my favorite play, and when I first saw this, I was all, "Oh no they didn't go messing with my Hamlet!" then I read it and died laughing. You did him good, my friend. You did him good...

on Nov. 26 2013 at 5:42 pm
Deej6595 BRONZE, Billerica, Massachusetts
3 articles 0 photos 375 comments

Favorite Quote:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

This is funny. I have never read Hamlet but, I know the concept and I think this is a really good historical fiction piece.

snowstrummer said...
on Aug. 27 2013 at 2:34 pm
snowstrummer, Bend, Oregon
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
Words are our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it ~ Albus Dumbledore

And now, Harry, let us step into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure. ~Albus Dumbledore

This is really good!  I like the nicknames, and just the whole idea!

on Aug. 5 2013 at 11:13 am
RelativetoWriting GOLD, Brecksville, Ohio
13 articles 0 photos 34 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes."
-Walt Whitman

I like how you give this somber play a fresh new twist with a different viewpoint! The Hamlet nicknames bring in some more humor. Thanks for writing this. 

SpottyLepard said...
on Jul. 25 2013 at 7:08 pm
SpottyLepard, Concord, North Carolina
0 articles 59 photos 78 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Smooth seas do not make strong sailors." -Old Nigerian Proverb

Haha, this is great! I love the comedic viewpoint you gave to such a somber book!

on Jul. 14 2013 at 6:04 pm
Isibeal19 PLATINUM, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
26 articles 12 photos 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
*Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain.*

Funny! I love how you write this.

rhea752 GOLD said...
on May. 31 2013 at 10:25 pm
rhea752 GOLD, Merritt Island, Florida
16 articles 1 photo 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
Maybe it's not about the happy ending, maybe it's about the story.

I love the point of veiw, the mocking, and pretty much the whole  thing. Keep writing!!! :D