Entry One,
My early days preparing to be a knight have not been very fun but, I know that it is all in order to reach my dream. It would be an honor to serve my Lord as a Knight. I was sent to another manor far from my family and Lord. I must learn to accept it however, because I will be spending much of my training here. I spend part of my day learning how to care and dress my beautiful steed. The lord here has allowed me to use his most prized horse. He says it was bread with some of the best in the land and that I should care for it with my life. I hope that soon I will be allowed to enter the palace as the Lord's assistant.

Entry two,`
So, it has finally happened. I will be entering the field with another knight. A start to what I have always wanted. I will be his Squire! I am learning so much here it is incredible. I don’t know how I will ever remember it all. I spend time strengthening myself for combat. Yesterday, I worked with some fellow knights to learn how to work with others in cavalry. It was absolutely fascinating what they could do. As fun as all of this is I still spend most of my time repaying the knights for what they are teaching me. I am thankful that my previous lord had taught me much about his horse because I spend a lot of time in the stables. I clean the stalls, groom the horses, and wash the armor but, it is all worth it.

Entry three,
The day is finally here! After almost fifteen years of waiting my ceremony to become a knight is here. As much as I am looking forward to being a knight I am not looking forward to the ceremony. All the others assured me that the blow to the head didn’t hurt at all and they couldn’t feel anything but, I was worried. What if I cry in front of everyone and embarrass my family? What if I pass out? The what ifs go on for too long. I know that I have all of the things they ask a knight to possess because I have made it this far and that is nearly impossible but, sometimes I still doubt myself. I am most worried about the church ceremony. I worry that I will not be granted a place in heaven and will cause my family shame. After all the years away from them I had hoped to return a knight that they could be proud of.

Entry four,
So, I made it through the ceremony without any complications. I was proud at first, happy even. Now however, I am regretting my choice to be a knight. I had always wondered why when I was a kid the knights had seemed so unhappy. I had thought the job was so spectacular when I was young all of the things seemed so fairytale but, now they are a reality. Reality just doesn’t amount to fantasy. When the fear of death is real, everything changes. Rules that dictate my life make me feel suffocated. I can’t be myself anymore. That young boy who was once full of imagination is now filled with fear and horror. Watching your friends die in front of your or not knowing if they will return from a small mission. The fact that they expect us to always be the champions is impossible. I just can’t take it anymore but, there is nowhere for me to go. If I leave my station as a knight I would be a disgrace to my family and friends and I would no longer be given the safety of my manor. Now I know that the rumors I heard of knights running away could be made sense of. The boy I was when I was younger never would have understand the want to do such a thing but, the boy I am now wants nothing else.

Entry five,
I was finally given armor to use in battle the other day which has somewhat eased my fear. My shield is beautifully decorated with my families coat of arms. It pains me to know how much they must have given up for such a thing. They probably thought it was well deserved and they would sacrifice such a thing for their youngest and most successful son but, I didn’t deserved it. After all of the times that I have thought of running away this shield seems better fit for a real knights hand. One that only exists in fairytales With symbols of courage and wisdom written all over it, it just seem unfitting for me. My younger self’s jaw would have dropped to the floor at the sight of such beauty but, today it made me weep. It wasn’t a kind of slow falling tear that others don’t usually notice. It was a long full let loose kind of weeping. I wept like I never have before. I wept because I missed my family. I wept because I didn’t deserve what I had. I wept because frankly I was a coward. A boy whose dreams had been shattered by reality. A reality that no one should have to face. Why hadn't someone warned me of the troubles I would be facing as a knight? Why did they only encourage a dream that would lead to such despair? The weeping had continued for so long. A fellow knight had come to reassure me. I told him that it I was at loss for the family, for I could never tell him the truth, but I think secretly he knew. And somewhere inside his heart shattered a little too, at the thought of how broken his life had truly become. Now that I have grown I can see in all of their eyes what I never saw before; fear.