The slicing wind pushed my hair into a frenzy and waves slashed the sides of the boat. As the boat rocked back and forth I stared at what I thought was my approaching future. Isolation. Nothingness. Alaska.
After what felt like years traveling on the ocean, we had finally reached our destination. Chaos ensued as people pushed and shoved their way off the boat. Babies cried and parents yelled for their children. Men, women, and children fought their way off the boat and to their destiny. Gold, riches, luxury. I picked up my ton of supplies I had bought over the past month or two. Tools, tents, and about 1,000 pounds of food. I remember buying my supplies in Seattle.
“You’re goin up to laska by yourself?” the man selling me tools laughed at the absurd idea that a young single lady was going to mine gold by herself.
“Yes. Now I believe I’m paying you for tools, not to discuss whether or not I’m capable of going to find gold by myself.”
This is how I am now. Trying to be polite hasn’t been a concern of mine for a while now. Ever since she died I see the world as it is, cruel and dark. Her death changed me. I’m going to find gold and live my life out peacefully away from everything that reminds me of her. It’s not like anyone will miss me. I’m cold and distant. I don’t let anyone get close.
As soon as I shoved my way through the crowd and reached the town I hiked just outside of it and set up camp. The freezing wind stung my face but I didn’t care. My feet crunched through the fresh snow and the wind whistled around me. My family warned me against coming.
“You’ll freeze to death!” my mother exclaimed.
“All the gold will be gone.” my aunt argued “You’ll never get rich!”
“You’re too young. You should get married! Have children!” my father insisted. “You can’t just throw your future away!”
Clearly I didn’t listen. They don’t understand. I want to get away from there. I want to forget. I don’t care if I get rich, I just want to escape. What better way then the gold rush.
Soon after getting set up I fell asleep in my tent. She was in my dream. She called my name but by the time I found her she was dead. Stabbed in the chest. There was nothing I could do. I felt like I had been the one who was stabbed. My heart stopped and I couldn't breathe. When I woke up I thought I was going to be sick.  I hiked around my camp until I shook the image of her body from my mind. I packed up my camp and got ready to start the journey to Dawson City. I followed a line of people that seemed to never end. No one could stop to rest, we just kept going. It helped clear my mind. All I had to think about was putting one foot in front of the other. Right foot, left foot. Right foot, left foot. That’s how I made it through Alaska, focusing on the small simple things. Block out the rest of the world, just complete the tasks at hand.
Weeks later I had made it to Dawson City. Instead of getting my own claim, I offered to work for other people for a small pay. I helped mine, ran errands in town, cooked, and watched children too young to work. I didn’t make much but I had food, shelter, and something to do. There was one family that I worked for the longest. The Woods. They were a couple with a young son and baby daughter. I watched the baby sometimes but mostly I helped the Mr. Woods mine. One day while I was working with Mr. Woods he finally asked what everyone wondered.
“Why are you here Liza? I’ve never heard of anyone doing what you do. Everyone comes here for gold, to secure comfortable futures. Why didn’t you get a claim yourself? There were still good ones left.” Mr. Woods asked hesitantly. His curiosity had obviously gotten the best of him. Surprisingly I decided to answer truthfully. I trusted him.
“I lost someone close to me. I couldn’t stand to stay where I was. It was too painful. All I want is something to do, a distraction. I don’t care about getting rich. I just want to survive and be able to stay out here.” I wiped my eyes. Tears almost surfacing for the first time in months.
“I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you can find what you’re-”
Suddenly the ground violently shook. It was as if the ground was a giant that had just awakened. Yelling could be heard in the distance. I looked at Mr. Woods, unsure what we should do. He looked to be in shock as well.
“Come on!” he yelled over the chaotic sounds of the earth moving and people in panic. “We have to make sure the kids are safe!”
I tried to move towards him but walking was almost impossible. We were surrounded by rocks and tools. Mr. Woods started running towards his camp. I tried to follow but I could hardly stand, and navigating around debris seemed impossible. Trying to get to flat land, I took wobbly steps across the rageful earth towards safety. I stumbled and fell to the ground like game being shot down. I hit my head on something hard and metal. The corners of my vision started to turn black until the darkness overtook my vision and I lost conscious.
When I woke up three unfamiliar men were crouched around me trying to pick me up. I struggled against them, ignoring the pain surging through my leg as I kicked. They moved away from me and I collapsed on the ground.
“We’re just trying to help miss.” the youngest of the men said. “We were sent to help anyone who got stuck out here.”
“What happened?” I asked in a daze. “How long was I out for?”
“Probably an hour or two.” replied a tall man wearing a dusty brown hat. “A rock fell on your leg while you were layin’ here.”  He gestured to my left leg where blood was seeping through my clothes.
I let the men help me into town where there were doctors to help the injured. So far no one had been found dead but I few were missing. If I hadn’t been found when I was, I might have died of blood loss. The town was busy as ever. People roamed the streets, collecting stories and sharing gossip. One woman was crying while her husband held her. I overheard that her young son was missing. The men, who I had learned were Willie, Roy, and Earl, lay me down by some other injured women. I thanked them and they left to search for the missing. I think it finally sunk in that I almost met my end that day. Was this what I really wanted to spend my life doing? Is this what she would’ve wanted?
Two months later I’m living in Seattle. I work at a restaurant near the water. I spend a lot of time writing. I no longer feel the need to block everyone out. I have my pain and they have theirs, that’s how life works. I just remind myself to live my life and try finding some happiness. That’s how I want to spend my life. That’s how she would’ve wanted me to spend my life. I look back on my trip to Alaska and I’m grateful. It’s where I realized I can’t be in mourning forever. I have to live. And that’s what I’m doing.