One

“Are you okay?” I looked up at my sister, who was staring at me with an odd expression.

“Yeah, of course,” I said numbly. “Why?”

“You just don’t seem okay.” She mumbled, turning away. I nodded, distracted by my own dark thoughts, and she looked away until speaking again. “Are you sure?”

“What?” I asked, annoyed now.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked, eyes searching into my own. I stared back blankly, forcing a fake smile onto my face.

“Yeah.”

“You promise?” the childish request pulls my heartstrings, but I nod anyway.

“Yeah,” I lied. “I’m fine.”

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Two

“What’s wrong?” my friend asked, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. I looked at her with the strangest feeling, like maybe I should tell her what I was thinking as we stared at the water.

“Nothing.” I lied instead, looking back over the railing of the bridge. “I’m just thinking.”

“C’mon.” she judged me. “I can tell somethings up. What is it?”

“Nothing,” I said again, more irritated now. She looked at me in surprise. Oh great, I thought. I never get like this around my friends, why did I have to now?

“Okay,” she said softly, stepping away slightly. My soul felt abandoned. “If you say so.”

“I do.” I said, silently begging her to come back and press her arm against mine again, to make me know I existed in her world too.

“You don’t hate me do you?” she suddenly asked, out of the blue. I looked at her, at a loss for words, then shook my head. “Promise?”

“I don’t hate you,” I stated then. Before everything fell apart.

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Three

“What is wrong with you?” My mother yelled. I stared back at her with hostile eyes, my mind not comprehending the question. “Don’t look at me like that, you’re the one driving everyone crazy!”

“I didn’t mean to…”

“You’re acting like a devil!” she said, very annoyed. “Every word that comes out of your mouth is like satan!”

“I-” I closed my mouth at her words, feeling tears sting my eyes.

“Can’t you just spend one day without freaking out? We need you here, not online with your friends!”

“Okay,” I said, trying to make my voice sound light. “Sorry, Mom.”

“Now please just clean off the table without yelling at someone,” she said, turning as a younger sibling started to cry.

“Kay,” I said, even though she didn’t hear me. I blinked back tears and took a deep breath, turning to the table again.

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Four

“What else did she tell you?” I asked, staring out the window of the car. My mom didn’t say anything for a moment as we drove home from the doctor's office.

“She said you considered hurting yourself,” she stated. My heart nearly tore itself apart at the words. So they knew, they knew the thoughts. Great. I didn’t say anything, just reached over and turned the volume up on the radio. She turned it back down.

“You haven’t, have you?”

“No,” I said, staring out the window away from her.

“You’d come and talk to me before it got that far, wouldn’t you?” she asked. Some sick part of me wanted to laugh. Talk to her? How could I ever talk to her? “Christi!”

“Yes.” I lied to make her stop talking.

“Good,” she said, patting my shoulder. I stared out the window with tears in my eyes and a sour taste in my mouth.

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Five

“Look at me,” Max said, staring into my eyes. I did, reluctantly. “I know exactly what you’re feeling, and you can’t let it do this.” I didn’t say anything. “Look at me!” I did again.

“What am I supposed to do?” I asked, voice cracking. “I just… I just wanna stop, Max. why can’t I just stop?”

“This isn’t healthy,” Max said, eyes full of pain and worry. “Aren’t you taking your-”

“They don’t work,” I said, dismissing the antidepressants before she could bring them up. “Maybe if I took enough all at-”

“Hey!” she stared at me, shaking me a bit. “No, don’t even go there. You are not going to give up like this Christi, that’s not you.”

“I haven’t been me for a long time,” I said bitterly, looking away from her. “I can’t even remember me.”

“I can,” she said, taking my hands. I didn’t look at her. “Listen, you have to fight this.”

“So I’ve heard,” I said in defeat, shoulders slumping.

“No, you have to promise me you will fight it,” she said, shaking me again. “Promise me, Christi.” I couldn't look in her eyes when I muttered agreement, how could I lie about something this important?

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Six

“Thanks for being here to talk to me.” a new friend said, several months later. I opened my mouth to reply when dark thoughts flooded into my head. Not the old kind, that my family and friends had helped banish, not the new kind I’d started having again, a different kind. What if I wasn’t here to talk her through this? To ground her in reality in a time of crisis? She smiled, eyes sparkling.

“It means a lot.” I was still speechless as she closed her eyes, taking deep breaths. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't give all my problems to her now. “And you’ve just been really great since we became friends, so thanks for being there.”

“I-” I took a deep breath, returning with a stunning smile of my very own. One part of me I’d discovered through the last few months. “I always will be,” I promised.