This morning, like every morning I look into the mirror and try to convince myself that my average height, brown eyes and, brown hair are enough. That I am beautiful. And that I can move on from what happened last year. This morning it’s enough. I feel confident so, I get dressed, eat a chocolate bagel and, go to my first day of junior year.

School is a blur until lunch when I can finally be alone.  One foot after another I walk into the theater. The theater has always been my safe place whenever I feel sad. Slowly and quietly I walk up the creaky wooden steps and opening the door that reads “no food, no drink, no sex,”. Sex had been crossed out and uncrossed multiple times. The room beyond was coined the graveyard and rightfully so. The awkward triangular room was dimly lit and filled with broken fornells* and eclipses* scattered haphazardly around the room. I quickly I hopp through the mess of lights and grab the dirty white handrail that leads up a steep set of metal stairs. Slowly I climb the stairs. With each step and deep metal clang accompanied my foot fall. Faster and faster I climb the stairs for, with each step I can hear him walking behind me. My legs are moving quicker and my breath is coming short and ragged as I run.

The names of past techs wiping by then I notice his name scrawled across the wall in red paint. I didn’t even know he put his name here. Pausing on the staircase big tears start to fall down my face. When I finally reach the top of the stairs i’m panting hard. Walking out onto the second catwalk I stop to catch my breath but, A  wave of fear and guilt keep me from taking another step. My knees give way and, body crumples against the handrail. Another waterfall of tears spill down my face. I try to close my eyes tight against the salty river of tears.

I have ignored what happened last year all summer but, now I can’t push it out of my mind.  Behind my closed eyes I can see myself walking through the party with him trailing behind me. The bitter liquid in my red Solo Cup™ sloshes as I walk. I didn’t drink much because it tasted so gross. He took me into the bathroom and locked the door. Which made me nervous but,  I kept thinking this is what high schoolers do at parties. This is okay. Then his hands were forcing my back against the wall and, the wall wouldn't budge; it didn't swallow me and spit me out in through other side like I was hoping for. I can remember everything as if it happened minutes before.

I said “No! Stop please! I'm not ready yet!”

He kept going like he didn't even hear me. I remember thinking I should scream, I should do more than just say words. Maybe I should try to push him off and run away but, someone might hear. I didn't want anyone to know. It was too embarrassing.  

I opened my eyes trying to shake the memories but I could almost smell the heavy scent of his cologne choking my nose and throat. My my hands are shaking and a knot is fully formed in my stomach.

“VvvRRRoom! VvvRRRoom!” my phone revs with urgency breaking through my cloud of thoughts. Wiping  the tears from my face I slide my finger right on my sisters smiling face.

“Hello? Grace are you there?” I say trying to hide my shaking voice.

“Gwen? Are you okay? You’re voice, it’s shaking.” Even through the phone speaker I can hear my sisters’ worry.

“Yeah i’m fine! First day back at school. That’s all.” I lied and not very convincingly.

“How about I come pick you up. We’ll get ice cream! ” Grace said.

“O-okay.” Is all I manage to say without breaking down into tears once more.

Cruising along Burch street on our way to cold stone in my sisters bright orange volkswagen bug my mind takes me back to the party. I’m there again watching him take me into the bathroom. The same trapped feeling washes over me and, that's when i decide to get the most sugary cone I can.

The most decadent ice cream I can come up with is: chocolate waffle cone rolled in sprinkles with two scoop of cheesecake ice cream with gummy bears and brownie chunks mixed it.  

Grace is quietly eating her lemon sorbet waiting for me to talk or not. About two thirds of the way into my cone I feel like i’m about to vomit so, I stop eating.

For the first time since getting into Graces car I make eye contact with my sister.

“Something happened last year.”  I paused waiting for her to say something, but she just kept eating her sorbet. “I was raped by a guy from school.” I started to sob “ And it was awful! So awful! And aaa-nd no one knows.” snot and tears are dripping down my face as I unsuccessfully try to choke back my tears. “I went to this party and I did drink a little but not much. It was really gross an--.”

Grace jumped up and said “ I’m gonna hug you OK?” I nodded gratefully.

She wrapped her arms around me as I sobbed into her shoulder. She was holding me together. If she wasn't holding me right now I would fall into a million pieces never to be put back together.

That was it someone knew. I feel better. It’s cliché I know but, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

*lighting instruments used in theaters